Unlike most posts on here, I have no real problems that I can talk of. My life is pretty good actually and I see good and beauty everywhere, but I do also see the bad. I laugh a lot, pretty much everyday I can see the funny side to most things. I am also deeply compassionate and can cry at a sad advert!Â
But I have been suicical for most of my life. I have tried it a couple of times but made mistakes. I have studied a certain method well and have ensured that on my final attempt that I will succeed.Â
I read the posts on here every other day. For me, reading stuff on here feels so real to me, unlike anything else out there, where everything strives on bulllshit. There’s so much honestly and real emotion at this level. You can’t talk like this to the people in your life, only to strangers online. People don’t want to see this much honestly up close and personal, they can’t handle it, and they can’t express it either. This level of honesty can’t really have a face – we can’t handle that can we?
Anyway, back to my point; Â the reason I want to die is something that I have not yet put into actual words, it’s just many years of thoughts, opinions and emotions. It’s difficult, and also somewhat changeable. But put as simply as possible, I just can’t find any real reason anymore to stay alive – I’m sort of tired. I’m not too tired to live, really liveÂ but that’s not possible; my idea of life is not what’s happening here. If I was offered lifeÂ I would have all the energy in the universe for it. But life here has zapped me of good energy, I just have a sort of auto-pilot energy that isn’t real. It’s like, I see and experience the good in this world, and I see the bad also, but none of it means anything to me, it almost feels like I’m trapped in a television show or a dream. It’s funny, shiney and actually quite pretty, but I know that horror movies are being filmed just next door, so it all kind of feels wrong and a bit sinister somewhat.
I’m not explaning it very well, I could go on for days about why I don’t feel any real love for this world but it wouldn’t make sense to anyone else’s reality. I also feel as if everything that happens is like a deja-vu, I feel as if I’ve lived for milliions of years and I’m really bored of it (I’m 37). I don’t know what to believe in – during my life I have believed and explored pretty much everything but nothing has really stuck (except science I guess). I would love to be a religious person, and I tried to be over and over again but nothing felt right – too many unanswered questions. I tried to live with the unanswered questions and just put it down to the mystery of life etc, I have been very philosophical too. Hell, I even pretended to be evil for a while – but that was just theatre, Â I’m naturally a very loving person. I’m now really bored of the ‘mystery’ of it all – I feel a million years old and nowhere nearer to the truth. I just want some truth, something that cannot be denied, something that is real, that I can see and touch and feel – something that touches me deep inside. Instead of existing for a million years with a gaping hole inside of myself.Â
I have in the past, experinced really bad times, like everyone else. Really, I should be happy and grateful that my life is so good now and I have pulled through a few tragedies. I was happy and grateful, each time, but it wears out. When you are searching for the truth, your good fortunes don’t make any real difference in the end. I believe I would still feel this way whether I’m lying in a silk bed or sleeping in a bus shelter – I would just be physically more comfortable, but my mind would still be dead.
I know now, at the age of 37, that my world and everything in it doesn’t actually mean anything and it is not supposed to. I have made a very informed and rational decision to leave it and take a giant risk on either nothingness, or the next level – both excite me – nothing here excites me. There is certainly no truth here that’s for sure, this world is far too corrupt, there is no truth left.
Oh one last thing: For the past 2 years I have been doing voluntary work at a local old peoples home and I talk to them a lot. I have been very interested into the thinkings of people nearing the end of their life. Whilst some have some sweet stories and nice memories, they all seem to have more bad memories and unaswered questions. I have spoken with all the ones I have got close to about people who commit suicide and most of them responded with ‘I can certainly see why’ some had experiences of people committing suicide in their lives and some even felt jealous about that!Â
Oh, I could go on and on . . . I have been researching my suicide for a while in many different ways, even talking to those nearing the natural end of their lives have offered no encouragement to continue. It’s just old age, illness and loneliness, whilst stuck in all this corrupt materialistic, dog eat dog world. Plus, it could all very well just be a dream!
So I am actually quite happy, but I’m still going to kill myself. You dont need to have the problems of the world on your shoulders to want to die, I truly believe it’s just a search for the truth that brings you here. Some people’s search for the truth might have been destructive and some may not. The only real way to stay alive in this world is either to play the game and succumb, or to have a strong faith that gets you through.