Unlike most posts on here, I have no real problems that I can talk of. My life is pretty good actually and I see good and beauty everywhere, but I do also see the bad. I laugh a lot, pretty much everyday I can see the funny side to most things. I am also deeply compassionate and can cry at a sad advert!Â
But I have been suicical for most of my life. I have tried it a couple of times but made mistakes. I have studied a certain method well and have ensured that on my final attempt that I will succeed.Â
I read the posts on here every other day. For me, reading stuff on here feels so real to me, unlike anything else out there, where everything strives on bulllshit. There’s so much honestly and real emotion at this level. You can’t talk like this to the people in your life, only to strangers online. People don’t want to see this much honestly up close and personal, they can’t handle it, and they can’t express it either. This level of honesty can’t really have a face – we can’t handle that can we?
Anyway, back to my point;  the reason I want to die is something that I have not yet put into actual words, it’s just many years of thoughts, opinions and emotions. It’s difficult, and also somewhat changeable. But put as simply as possible, I just can’t find any real reason anymore to stay alive – I’m sort of tired. I’m not too tired to live, really live but that’s not possible; my idea of life is not what’s happening here. If I was offered life I would have all the energy in the universe for it. But life here has zapped me of good energy, I just have a sort of auto-pilot energy that isn’t real. It’s like, I see and experience the good in this world, and I see the bad also, but none of it means anything to me, it almost feels like I’m trapped in a television show or a dream. It’s funny, shiney and actually quite pretty, but I know that horror movies are being filmed just next door, so it all kind of feels wrong and a bit sinister somewhat.
I’m not explaning it very well, I could go on for days about why I don’t feel any real love for this world but it wouldn’t make sense to anyone else’s reality. I also feel as if everything that happens is like a deja-vu, I feel as if I’ve lived for milliions of years and I’m really bored of it (I’m 37). I don’t know what to believe in – during my life I have believed and explored pretty much everything but nothing has really stuck (except science I guess). I would love to be a religious person, and I tried to be over and over again but nothing felt right – too many unanswered questions. I tried to live with the unanswered questions and just put it down to the mystery of life etc, I have been very philosophical too. Hell, I even pretended to be evil for a while – but that was just theatre, Â I’m naturally a very loving person. I’m now really bored of the ‘mystery’ of it all – I feel a million years old and nowhere nearer to the truth. I just want some truth, something that cannot be denied, something that is real, that I can see and touch and feel – something that touches me deep inside. Instead of existing for a million years with a gaping hole inside of myself.Â
I have in the past, experinced really bad times, like everyone else. Really, I should be happy and grateful that my life is so good now and I have pulled through a few tragedies. I was happy and grateful, each time, but it wears out. When you are searching for the truth, your good fortunes don’t make any real difference in the end. I believe I would still feel this way whether I’m lying in a silk bed or sleeping in a bus shelter – I would just be physically more comfortable, but my mind would still be dead.
I know now, at the age of 37, that my world and everything in it doesn’t actually mean anything and it is not supposed to. I have made a very informed and rational decision to leave it and take a giant risk on either nothingness, or the next level – both excite me – nothing here excites me. There is certainly no truth here that’s for sure, this world is far too corrupt, there is no truth left.
Oh one last thing: For the past 2 years I have been doing voluntary work at a local old peoples home and I talk to them a lot. I have been very interested into the thinkings of people nearing the end of their life. Whilst some have some sweet stories and nice memories, they all seem to have more bad memories and unaswered questions. I have spoken with all the ones I have got close to about people who commit suicide and most of them responded with ‘I can certainly see why’ some had experiences of people committing suicide in their lives and some even felt jealous about that!Â
Oh, I could go on and on . . . I have been researching my suicide for a while in many different ways, even talking to those nearing the natural end of their lives have offered no encouragement to continue. It’s just old age, illness and loneliness, whilst stuck in all this corrupt materialistic, dog eat dog world. Plus, it could all very well just be a dream!
So I am actually quite happy, but I’m still going to kill myself. You dont need to have the problems of the world on your shoulders to want to die, I truly believe it’s just a search for the truth that brings you here. Some people’s search for the truth might have been destructive and some may not. The only real way to stay alive in this world is either to play the game and succumb, or to have a strong faith that gets you through.
11 comments
I’m guessing you’ve watched Inception?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I like the honesty part. So true. A number of your thoughts really resonate with me. It’s amazing how on this site you can completely understand someone who you’ve never even met before.
Research Myles Munroe. Keep an open mind. I feel like you would discover whatever it is you are looking for. Read the books. You will discover the truth!
The thought that it will all be over sometime soon certainly gives me peace of mind, but it doesn’t really make me happy. I’m basically around the same age as you (38) and at this late stage I’m like well yeah; life’s truly fucked me over and as far as I can see it’s all pretty well downhill from here, so cya round round peeps *shrugs* while it’s been a pleasure I really think it’s my time to leave…
P.S, Science gives my life a certain meaning and profound sense of wonder as well, although as an individual finding a good reason to live is a much more difficult thing to grapple with… it that makes sense!!? O.o
“It’s funny, shiney and actually quite pretty, but I know that horror movies are being filmed just next door”
This is so very very true. Life is so gilded, we only think its great because we’re sitting on top of the shit we can’t see (literally, actually). For example, we torture and kill animals all the time in the name of testing and for food. I know that sounds crazy vegan of me, but just think about it (this only one example, there are many more). We blindly accept things like this because we simply decide to stay ignorant of it. The fact of the matter is that life perpetuates itself on causing suffering for other living beings. In nature, for instance, animals are eaten by other animals for sustenance. Those animals then reproduce, spawning progeny that will only have the same painful fate. It’s funny, if everything just stopped hurting each other, life would end as everyone and everything dies from starvation, and ironically with a great deal of pain. Idk. Sorry that was a rant. But I just thought you should know I liked that analogy of yours :3
Hi everyone. No I have not seen Inception unfortunately.
Jenny; I’m glad you can connect with some of what I’m feeling, that’s nice to know. I do though, think it a great shame that these thoughts and feelings are not out in the open, instead of anonymously online – like I said, it’s easier to read these thoughts than to hear them and see them face to face. I find that in my life, although it makes me more numb, my life is just easier to live if I talk mostly about the shite that seems to make everyone else feel good, such as gossip and politics – going deeper than that breaks the spell and that’s not good.
AngelofLight: Myles Munroe? Okay I will do that. Thanks.
Shelly: Science has certainly helped me to understand a lot of the actual facts of life, time and space, and it has put into perspective how miniscule this present life is that I am currently leading, and to put death in a better perspective. I believe religions only add to the pressures and fear of life – although at the same time, I am not attacking anyone who finds strength and joy in religion, in fact, I applaud that. I myself, couldn’t find any of that in religion, despite my trying hard and being dedicated regardless.
31Flavors; I like your response, thanks 🙂 Your words here are the things that constantly haunt my mind, but I have become very good at keeping that locked away. When I was a little younger, I used to get all worked up about cruelty to animals and many other cruel workings of man. I remember running home from school one day and screaming at my parents what on earth have they done bringing me into this world (I had been shown an animal cruelty video that day) I told them that my own species is cruel and I want nothing to do with it! Haha, I never returned from that feeling really, I just learned to play the game in order to keep myself sane and safe. This is another aspect that hinders my beliefs in any religions – I have observed this stuff for years and the only ‘evil’ I can see is man, I don’t believe there is a ‘devil’, I believe there is only man, he is cruel beyond imagination – I could add many very apt quotes about this here but I don’t want to lower the tone 🙂 At the same time, I also struggle to believe in God too. I just don’t buy into the fact that God throws us into this hellhole, which is a ‘test’ apparently, and then we get our rewards in the afterlife. Why? That in itself is cruel, is God cruel? If he exists, he made us human, with restrictions to understanding even His being, so why would He then f@ck around with us? That adds to why I think this whole existence here could be either a dream or some sick joke.
I’m glad you like the horror movie analogy of mine. I know of the cruelty in this world, it far outweighs the good, no-one can argue about that, if they try to then they are ignorant. Whilst my life seems perfect to some people, I have a good job, great friends, lovely home, no money worries etc, I cannot accept it fully for I know it means nothing – how can it? Like you say, animals right now are being tortured, so are many children, women and men all over the world. How can any person really enjoy their life when as you say, it’s just built on top of the shit (literally), it all smells of shit.
” I feel a million years old and nowhere nearer to the truth. I just want some truth, something that cannot be denied, something that is real, that I can see and touch and feel – something that touches me deep inside. Instead of existing for a million years with a gaping hole inside of myself. ”
“I know of the cruelty in this world, it far outweighs the good, no-one can argue about that, if they try to then they are ignorant ”
If you’re in search of a metaphysical truth, it seems you already know it.
It seems to me that we all have a choice – 1) die, 2) do our best to change the world (knowing that you’re basically going to suffer for it – power in this world is evil) or 3) live a pointless life of indulgence and attempt to enjoy ourselves. You’re someone that has about given up on 3), and I would say there is nothing wrong with that, but the conclusion is not necessarily 1).
I wonder if in your checking out of religions and philosophies, and finding that most of it is a load of rubbish, you read much of existentialism. You might like to read The Reprieve and Iron in the Soul, by Sartre, you can get them cheap second-hand on Amazon I’m sure. They’re set in France in the leadup to the Second World War and after.
I found out about animal cruelty as a child as well, I became a vegetarian when I was six, but there is nothing we can do to change the world if we are not around any more to do anything about it.
” my life is just easier to live if I talk mostly about the shite that seems to make everyone else feel good, such as gossip and politics – going deeper than that breaks the spell and that’s not good.”
Yeah lots of people don’t like to think beyond superficial things or anything that might challenge their own entrenched point of view. But if you put out feelers you might find that there are some people that are more comfortable with it than others. It would do you good to talk about it with someone else, that is ready to discuss deep things and not get upset.
Curious vantaylor how our lives are similar. Maybe we both have this pointlessness that is stabbing our minds repeatedly and injecting acceptance when you just cant do it. You cant understand why people defy logic. The people who do the serious crimes. Animal,child, women, fellow man abuse,murder, torture. Why!?!? You experience life only to find out out useless we all are. Why man has pets/children just to make them seem superior as a species / race / age / gender, when they are really not. We all are here for the genuinely the same purpose. If we can understand that we can progress. Search for the truth. It is my belief that people who commit suicide when they have no real problems found their own truth. Truth that what is can be and no other.
Vantaylor, I really like your post, you are describing something inside of me and so I connect very much with it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I wish you luck and peace in whatever you chose.
“I just have a sort of auto-pilot energy that isn’t real. It’s like, I see and experience the good in this world, and I see the bad also, but none of it means anything to me, it almost feels like I’m trapped in a television show or a dream.”
“I feel a million years old and nowhere nearer to the truth. I just want some truth, something that cannot be denied, something that is real, that I can see and touch and feel – something that touches me deep inside.”
I can relate
“You dont need to have the problems of the world on your shoulders to want to die, I truly believe it’s just a search for the truth that brings you here.”
I think you’re onto something
bump