It doesn’t get better I’m afraid

I’m 48 and my ‘depression’ started about 25 years ago. I was never diagnosed as bipolar or anything, just occasionally put on anti-depressants. I got better many times and enjoyed life, but always kind of knowing that ‘all was not well really’. I’m attractive and have friends and family, I’ve always done what I want to do more than what society wants me to do. I am very spiritual and as least materialistic as society allows (to the point of not starving on the streets). 

I want to tell you all, that if you feel suicidal because the world just isn’t what you think it should be, then I promise you, it wont get better, in fact it’s going to get a lot worse. Two of my closest friends work in the finance sector and and my friends husband is a finance genius (believe me), and it is BAD news for the future. If your worries aren’t purely financial, that doesn’t matter – life as you know it, as bad as it is now, is going to let A LOT worse. 

My point to this is; My ‘depression’ started when I began to see the world how it really is (and I don’t mean negatively, just realistically). I got depressed about that (being a spiritual type) and I got better, and depressed again and better again etc etc. But each time the depression returns, and no matter how good the good times were, it hits harder and darker every time.  For all those on here talking of finding your spiritual enlightenment in this world – I don’t know if I’m older and more experienced than any of you, but in my experience;  there is no point. All you are doing is trying to con your own self further into being deluded that anything spiritual is left on the surface of this planet. I am not saying that there are not people here who are spiritual, there are, I am one of them, but we are such a tiny minority, we are outnumbered by gargantuan proportions. You’re depressed because your spirituality is telling you this. It doesn’t want to be here, it is lonely and scared. 

I know because I have tried all of what you are advising here. I do all the small things such as spread kindness. I try to connect other spiritual souls as much as possible, but no matter how many you connect, it will never be enough. If you want to try it why don’t you go onto a a more ‘popular’ website such as yahoo answers and pose a ‘thinking question’ and watch the response. Try to stand up on a train carriage and talk to people about spirituality, and watch the abuse and ridicule come at you (I have never done this btw)

I have forced myself to live further and further, despite my knowing that this life is simply not for me, to only find myself older and more exhausted and even more sad about the lack of love in the world. Even reading this websites posts, you are all so divided and so passionate about your beliefs, we have long past the stage in this cycle of gathering beautiful spiritual souls, we have been damaged beyond all repair and the only reason anyone (who is spiritual) is striving further is due to being deluded and attached to this physical life, which is contradictory in itself. 

People are suicidal because it’s natural, we are forced to live against our own freedoms and intelligences, spirituality has nowhere to go. It really is that simple and there is nothing you can do about it, and there is nothing that you SHOULD do about it either. Except accept it, or leave.  It really is that simple.