I’ve totally missed the point

In my world,  I have just never understood why any of this is any good whatsoever. I don’t see one single thing in life that is actually worth anything, it’s all meaningless bullshit. This life hasn’t offered me anything that I want. I know it’s an age old saying usually associated with angsty teenagers, but I didn’t ask to be born, if I had been informed beforehand I would have turned it down in an instant. I’m sure I’ve been born wrong or there’s been some mistake with me because I have just never got it! Any person I talk to all I’m thinking is ‘wtf are you doing?’ Why do so many go along with this sick joke? It’s like a sadistic treasure hunt. Anytime I hear that someone successfully committed suicide, I feel so jealous that they achieved it, so so jealous.I tried and failed twice.  There is nothing of this world that would want me to stay (I’ve really researched it), so why would I stay? I’m trying the helium hood method this weekend so there is some hope at the moment but I fear it failing and if it does I really think I would sink even lower that I don’t think I would ever even be able to utter another word or move my body, again.