This isn’t a stupid message to try and stop being from commiting suicide. I merely wanted to write my story, hoping that someone may be helped by it.
Life started out fine. An older sister and then a younger sister and brother. Being in the middle never bothered me. I was a perfect child. Never kicked up a fuss, always tried to please everyone. I never got into arguments or fights with my siblings, and just did my best at school and helping around the house.
Things slowly turned sour when my elder sister was diagnosed with depression. My mum had had it growing up, and still does. I tried my best to be there for everyone, carry on as normal, do my best. Lots of fights broke out. Not little shouty ones, but big screaming-til-your-throat-hurt,eyes-cried and ears-hurt type of fighting.
I dont know how it happened, but slowly I started to start having bad days, never having felt like this before I assumed I was just tired, just needed more sleep, it was only a little bad day, i’d feel fine soon. So I carried on as normal.
Before I knew it i’d sunk into a horrible place. I tried to get myself out of it, but nothing worked. I’d go to school and not talk to anyone. My friends didn’t really say anything. I kept up the pretence so not to worry my parents, kept on with getting A’s, but all the while I was going full days not speaking to anyone. I’d come in from school, go straight up to my room and just lie in bed until the next day.
I didn’t think life could get anyworse, but the fights continued, and I started self-harming.
My parents never noticed anything. Didn’t notice the cuts, the changes in my behaviour, how I never smiled. Everyone was too caught up in their own lives.
My little sister then got diagnosed with depression, she selfharmed. More arguments.
I just sunk lower and lower, all the while keeping up the facade I was fine.
My parents dumped their worries on me. Coming in my room to slag off each other, or my brother or sisters. I had to sit through and listen to all their vile speeches and hate. I mean, what can a little girl answer to any of the disgusting stuff they spewed? But I managed, carried on.
I started planning my suicide, wanted to get out of it all. I couldn’t take the fact that I got ignored, and dumped on. I felt so unloved it was unreal.
I was a coward though. I was never able to carry it through fully. I’d cop out halfway through, losing my resolve, something telling me to wait a minute, just a few more minutes.
Slowly, bit by bit, I started to change a little. I’m not sure how. I guess just perservering was the way that helped me. To this day I still have bad days where I cry myself to sleep, or just lie in bed all day, but for the majority, I can go out and do stuff. I still find it difficult to be around people to much, I find it hard to trust people, but i’m managing.
I just kept believing in the next day, the next hour, minute, just keep going.
I hoep this helps someone, anyone. Just don’t give up hope. (: