My response to some posts and my problem with life

In particular I would like to say that I love the posts of both Lilah and Jakevaughn that were posted today. I feel exactly the same as both of you and saddened that I am unable to express it as well as you. I also read in another post, but I can’t find it now or remember the persons name, but they said that no-one can ever understand really what someone else’s life is like, even if they at some stage have had the same problem, the two people perceive those problems differently; as in each and every life is individual so you can never really advise anyone on how to live their life or how to feel better about life. If someone hates life and sees it as hell, then it is hell. No two ways about it. Life is an experience, not a job, or a lesson in ‘life’, life just ‘is’.

What my problem is;  For most of my life I have been one of those people, that although I could see life was somewhat absurd in many ways, I still pursued my purpose, and I found many purposes. Some materialistic, some religious, and some others just ‘being in the moment’ ‘observing my own life’ so to speak. 

I have been able to help others to deal with their lives better and accomplish things too. But since I was a kid, that feeling of ‘nothing actually matters‘ has been growing inside of me.  Sure, every now and then I sit and ponder life further and search for another, newer. fresher meaning, and sometimes it gives me a newer fresher purpose and so I spurt through life again with a new vigour for another period of time in life. But whenever I run out of steam (and I always do) it comes back to the same thing ‘what’s the actual point?’.

Anyway, I don’t really want to kill myself although it is a viable option. Right now, I want to stop. I don’t mean take a rest for a couple of weeks, I mean really stop. Indefinitely, no questions asked thank you very much. I don’t feel unwell, I am very healthy, in body and in mind. I don’t need ‘happy pills’ I just want to be allowed to do what my body is right now telling me to do and that is STOP. I don’t feel sad, I feel very peaceful and it is lovely to feel this way, especially seen as the only things that I want are food and nature right now, nothing else. So can I just please stop? I realise that I wont be contributing to society and that could be seen as selfish, I mean who will pay my bills when they come in? I don’t know, I can’t work that out. All I know is that my body and soul right now don’t care about money. Am I selfish? Maybe, but I’ve worked my entire life, I have looked after others. Why must I keep on going, forcing myself against my own self right now?

I don’t want my friends and family to fuss over me or worry about me. I just want to be left alone and really feel what’s happening to me. But am I allowed? No. That’s the cold hard truth. I am not allowed to stop. If I do then I must be ill, I will be put on drugs, the intention of which will send me off on my way contributing to society once again. I am not allowed to just ‘be’. Society wont let me.

You know, I fear most suicides stem from this. You might only initially want to stop and rest, but you are only allowed a matter of days to do that so then you can’t really rest, you become more stressed, and then if you don’t ‘get over it’ quick, you are then put in hospital, anything, but you are never left alone to just stop. It becomes that hopeless that people end up killing themselves when really they only probably needed to be left alone for a while, to actually address what’s going on inside themselves.

I am there now. I don’t want to die, but it seems a better solution than being dragged through a system that will only harm me or suffocate me. Isn’t that really awful? 

I agree that this society is killing people, not an illness, or a devil and not even themselves.