My suicide note

I’ve been on this site for a couple of weeks. I decided months ago to kill myself and the past month I have been preparing for that. I found this site by chance and I have enjoyed visiting it. I am going ahead with my suicide tonight and I thought I would explain why and how I feel about it just moments before I do it, in case if offers anyone anything – and I also saw a post today by someone called poppyseeds who seemed upset by the actual deaths on here and she needed some understanding of them. Maybe this will shed some light?

My wife killed herself last year, she had suicidal tendencies since she was a kid, I knew this when I married her but we loved each other and could only actually be with each other and no-one else (we tried!). Us being together put off her suicide for many years so I am grateful for that, and she was too. But she was never comfortable in the world and towards the end she couldn’t tolerate being alive.

A lot of people tell the ones who are suicidal to think about their loved ones and what your death would put them through. Honestly, all suicidal people think about this constantly, you’re really not helping by saying that, you’re just showing a total lack of understanding for the person who is suicidal. My wife killed herself and I never for one second thought of her as selfish, she was the most beautiful soul that ever walked this earth and I was extremely blessed to have been able to spend part of my life with her – the best part. I knew and fully understood how she perceived the world, and she was the bravest person I knew to be able to handle it for as long as she did. When she died, although I was wrecked with sadness about missing her, I also felt relief that she would now have some peace, or at least did not have to face this world anymore. I was happy (for her) about that. If you’re loved ones have not been able to take the time and truly understand what you are going through then that is something in which they will have to deal with, if you have tried your best to explain what your pain is like to them, and they fail to understand, that is just a flaw of life and nobody’s fault. If someone really loves you, they cannot expect you to live an horrific life of pain.

I think there is always a tiny shred of hope inside every individual before he takes his own life, right up to the end. That some miracle will happen, but I doubt that anyone actually takes their own life before endlessly exhausting all avenues of hope before that – they may talk about suicide but to actually pull that plug with your own hands is an extremely hard thing to do – it is rarely taken lightly, if ever. 

When a person is living but all they want is to die, its rarely something that can be altered with remedies, or cured. In fact, I very much doubt that one can return from such a place and ever fully recover.  The only way I can simplify if for anyone’s understanding is like you’ve been sent to a lifelong boarding school or workhouse where they speak a foreign language that you can’t learn, all the classes are against your very nature (like eating meat if your a vegetarian) and the rest of the pupils/workers all seem to get along fine and you’re just struggling behind, constantly exhausted and bewildered. And you know that this is forever, they is no leave date., you will grow old here.  It is very difficult, if impossible to find hope in that situation. I too have been depressed since being a kid but I lived for my wife and to make her life as happy as possible, so it distracted me from my own pain.

Since my wife died I too have died, my body is still here but I am long gone. I don’t see a future for myself here and if someone came and offered me a dream life on a silver plate, I would still rather die. The only hope and happiness in my life was my wife. My soul is not here so I don’t feel much emotion about ending the life of this body. I prayed to God and to my wife since last year to send me some sign, some ray of hope that I can live for and nothing has come. I am taking that as a sign to leave.

I wont say how I am doing this as I don’t want to encourage others. But as soon as I publish this post, I will be dead within an hour. I feel butterflies in my stomach and I feel slightly nauseous, my head feels light (I have not drank any alcohol or taken any drugs) I guess my body knows what’s coming. It’s all physical. Emotionally I feel very calm, very certain and although I have those butterflies (nerves), I feel positive. I am not crying and I don’t feel sad, or feel as if I am doing anything wrong. I have spent a long time thinking about my loved ones and I have written letters and made arrangements so that there is no hassle for anyone. My best friend was here with me until this afternoon, he knows what I’m doing and now I am ready.

Goodbye and good luck to everyone on here. In the end, peace is all anyone wants so I hope that you find that one way or another without much more suffering.

Zac  39/London