More than likely this will become a rambling scatterbrained post that will make sense to only me. It all started when I was 14, I got a job at a local walkup style hotdog joint. my step brother had worked there for a couple of years and he went off on a vacation with his real mother when the boss Nathan Daniels asked if I could work. So I started working there afterschool and on weekends. It all turned strange during the summer after school let out. My boss had gained my trust fully, and he used that trust to manipulate me into, first oral sex on me. Then it progressed until I was around 16. He had me believe he would get me a car and treat me like his son. He was a predator and I was his prey. For this reason my trust level has been low ever since. I then moved out of my parents house, quit school and got a job. I was living with some girl who I was sure that I loved. Then the day came when her parents wanted to split us apart. So I took a lethal dose of xanax and heart medicine, as well as every other pill in the house. Woke up in the icu, and was promptly put into an adolescent mental facility. I watched a kid hang himself and turn blue. I couldn’t tell anyone. I just froze. He died on the table as I went to get an ekg. my mom decided she didn’t want me to kill myself in her house so she gave up her parental rights to the state. So my social worker gets me into a foster home for about 10days. I went thru 10 families before I turned 18 and was free. I spent the next two years living in my car and in roach infested boarding houses. I went thru a few girlfriends here and there. I trusted no one. 6 years ago I met a girl. She wasn’t perfect but she was sweet. we dated for a bit, and due to financial problems had to move in together. Long story short she gained my trust. Now she’s left me alone. Again with my thoughts and horrible memories. But she messages me “you will be ok” and the cliche shit. I made a pact with myself long ago that I wasn’t dying for no girl. Well I lied. I am dying because of u ashley, and I hope that u see this. I should take u with me but I know this will hurt u more. u will see the mess you have made.
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As my screen name suggests, I have been abused myself and know how it feels. I wish you wouldn’t kill yourself, as it only perpetrated hurt and pain, and most importently, it let’s your abuser win!!!!!! You are better than that, even if you don’t feel like it right now.
I actually do believe we all have a right to end our own lives, but within limits, we need to be aware how it hurts others, and not sink down to the level of the bastards who hurt us.
Hang in there for now, if you still feel like you want to die once you are less angry, you are still fee to go in peace, that door is always open. Stay true to yourself and don’t kill youself over a girl, please.
thanks abused. She left a month ago and the pain still stays. She was just the bandaid over the problems. I just want someone to feel my pain. The real pain that I have felt for a long time. I am just a detractor to the world anyways. Your concern is appreciated and I hope all goes well for you.
You should at least know that reading your post made me feel better that someone else out there is just as miserable over the loss of love as I am, and that I’m not alone or pathetic, if you go, go knowing that you’ve made a difference in someone’s life.
Nobody can ever truly feel anybody elses pain. But I can relate. Feel free to vent at any time, just talking/writing about it decreases the intensity.
I was emotionaly and sexually abused by my first husband for 12 years. My mother, when I am unwell, and especially when I was in a psychiatric hospital recently can’t bring herself to talk to me. Not as extreme as your mum, but the same sort of thing.
I have not yet healed from my abuse, I am still in the middle of the pain, I can sooo relate to you. But I have heard from people I love and trust that it is possible. What you had to go through us absolutely terrible! I am hear to listen!
Ps: that you feel just like a detractor to the world is just a feeling which is the result of the abuse. It is not a fact, it is not true, it us a well known and common long term effect of abuse. Trouble is our traumaticed brains refuse to accept it as truth, we can’t feel it.
Thank u guys for your support. and reading my ramble. I have struggled internally for 16 years with this on my back. No one in my real life knows about my abuse. The man who did this to me died of colon cancer so I can never tell him how this affects me. I am at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I will never be able to trust anyone. I appreciate your kind comments, they have eased the pain a bit, and I needed it. Thank you gothicgirl and abused for caring.
Do you have any access to professional mental health? In my country the public system sucks, but I am lucky enough to have access to the private system, and it did and does help, although it takes courage to go there in the first place, and not all therapists are good.
You said you talked yo no one about the abuse? Try to start doing so, be carful who you choose but do try. Since I have started doing so, so many more people have revealed that they too have been abused, not all sexually, but emotional abuse can be just as destructive. Surprisingly many people do understand!
Maybe call a helpline and find a self help/supportgroup for and with people with similar experiences.
You will never be able to tell your abuser how much he hurt you, but it is within your power to let go and move on (although I am not pretending it is easy). The abuse is in the past, you are now no longer a victim but a surviver. Hmmmm, maybe I should change my own screen name to surviver 😉