Relating in particular (to give this post something ‘real’ to relate to), to Mary Croft and her book. As for anyone to relate to this book, she needs to be speaking your ‘language’ and she is certainly speaking mine. However, where her language takes her seems somewhat of a dead end to me – either my spirit is soaring beyond even her limitations, or ‘my reality’ has a different conclusion. I’ll tell you what it is . . . .Â
Like Mary, even as a child I saw the absurdities of life, but put it down to my being too thoughtful, or was too young to fully understand why everything was the way it was. My life has only concluded my initial childhood thoughts, and yes, my life too has been a learning curve, sometimes terrifying and sometimes exhilarating. So, for some time now I have been at the place where Mary is, the place that knows all this not really to be real but only the enslavement of my mind. This answers (like hers) countless ‘problems’ I had experienced with my attitude towards life this whole time (the fact that I knew it to be absurd) (fake)(a game). So on ‘awakening’ to that, or as she puts it awakening to the light, or to God or the source, I am left with the possibility that I really have answered for myself my battle with my suicidal feelings. I would like to re-iterate that in my first post I have made it clear that it is not lifeÂ that I dislike, it is this lifeÂ that I dislike, the one that is not natural – but the one that is forced upon me and subjects me only to slavery. Now that I am at a place where I have most definitely concluded that fact, and met with like-minded fellows (which is the manifestation of energy), I am left thinking this . . .Â
How can you actually be ‘human’ or should I say, continue to be ‘human’ if you have now seen through it? Mary is saying that your ‘purpose’ is now to spread the word and STOP playing the game. She gives great detail into how you stop paying for things with money and instead use your services – there is no need for money and when that messages eventually reaches everyone then the system will collapse. I agree. However, what she is kind of glossing over here is something that goes a little deeper for me. So this enslavement was in the mind? Only the mind? Okay. What if you then find the enlightenment and ‘wake up’ and then ‘see the truth’ ? I feel that her ‘ending’ on the matter is a little airy fairy for me, I don’t quite connect with it fully. Well Â . . . . I do, . . . ultimately . . . . . . but not as a human. That’s my problem. If we clear out the junk from our minds that everything we know is a lie, there is no fear, no money, no status – and that there is only love, great!! That’s what I want. But how as a human? And exactly how much of this ‘human identity’ is a lie? Maybe it’s all of it? Maybe we areÂ onlyÂ spirit and love and that any attachment to this body is still feeding the system? The reason I ask is this;
Why would we look so differently from each other? I don’t mean what we have done to ourselves, the things that this illusional life has had us do – such as hair styles, cosmetic surgery, dieting, over eating, tattoos etc. I mean Â why would some of us naturally be more physically attractive than others, if not to attract othersÂ to look at us, want us? Even if ‘pure love’ exists in a human world, wouldn’t it just be a natural thing for us to want the prettier things? I myself come from a place of ‘pure love’ I fully understand it and I fully feel it every day of my life (it’s what’s ultimately killing me) so I myself have never been attracted to someone for their looks, only their soul and their actions, but why is there levels of attractiveness in a ‘pure love’ world? Wouldn’t there just be energies and light and the feeling of that love and unity? Why would it have a casket of a human body?
My next point is this; Â Certain, really silly things have began to really piss me off the past couple of years. I am not a bad tempered person, and I am known for my endless toleration of what most others seem not to be able to tolerate. But I can’t help but question this as I am not ‘angry’ or ‘sad’. It’s things like this; Â I just feel pissed off that when I make toast there are crumbs. Crumbs have really started to piss me off. I hate that I haveÂ to go pee. Peeing isn’t something I wantÂ to do, it’s something that I haveÂ to do. I hate that I have to shower, if I don’t shower there is a physical result and that is smell, and it’s not a pleasant smell. Okay, I’ll get really deep here now and you can all call me a freak, but I don’t even want to type this damn letter, I want it to just ‘be.’ Â Â All of these things are pointless. I want to say something to anyone who reads this, so why can’t I just tell you?? Why am I restricted with having to open my laptop and go through this rigmarole?Â Â Why? Â
For some reason I have become intolerable of my human body, I feel my soul or my spirit is exceeding it. Why? I’m not crazy, I’m not angry or sad, and this isn’t just a recent feeling, I’ve allowed it to beÂ for a few years and I have observed it. It’s REAL.
I feel too huge for this body, it restricts me and it slows down what I’m trying to do, what I’m really trying to do. I am not wanting to eat fucking toast and wipe my arse!!! I am not wanting to type on this laptop, but yet I have something to say and this is the only way in which this pointless body allows me to do it. Why?
What if, the message Mary is giving and the message I am receiving is the same but she has not fully understood the whole point of it. And that even keeping any attachment to this body is still continuing to feed the system? What if we are all a part of the true essence of light and love like she says (and which I believe), and that wakening up (unplugging the mind) is also unplugging the very thing that is the cage of that mind; Â the body? Is that the ultimateÂ fear to face? The ultimate fear in this illusion of fears?
I feel tears of jubilation when I read these sorts of things (that Mary writes) and I wholeheartedly feel the upsurge of life renewed when one has such a revelation. But for me, I really don’t feel that any of that new upsurge of life is something to be able to carry out whilst trapped inside a human. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree that this whole money, lust and greed thing is nonsense, a debacle , but I also truly believe that the body is a part of that. Life surely (well the life I feel anyway) just extends way beyond what this body can give me – for it ages anyway, it gets ill, even stubbing my toe, I don’t wantÂ to stub my toe, thanks and everything but you can keep it, it’s ridiculous! These crumbs I have to wipe from my work surface (only to still find more days later) is just plain ridiculous! It ALL seems so ridiculous now. Kind of always did, but I guess I needed to see the evidence.Â
So, I’m not dead yet, it’s a process isn’t it this suicide thing? You go right up to the finishing line assuming you have done all the mental work, only to find that once you are actually there, new thought patterns occur and new feelings come over you – not good or bad feelings, not feelings of doubt – just feelings that should be explored I guess, so that if you do end up going off somewhere either in life or death, you have truly talked to yourself about it thoroughly.