The Secret

The Secret

I was so beautiful

So happy and so kind

My family thought the world of me

But I had something to hide

I’d eat my meal

Bit by bit

I’d chew each piece

With my every whit

Then I’d open the door

Knell on the ground

Lift up the seat

And make my daily rounds

Vomit smell fills the air

Sink water falls

Choking sounds are made

But left unheard in the hall

I sigh with realive

I take a good stare

Make sure it’s all out

Then fix my hair

I’m getting thinner my the minuet

Getting thin and white

I need to keep it a secret

No one knows my fight

I cry when I’m alone

Smile when I’m not

Trying to make the mirror happy

I think I’ve got a shot

I’m throwing my life down the toliet

This is how I cope

I know I need help

But I have no hope

4 months after I wrote this poem I was diagnosed with Bulimia Nevosa and was put into a treatment center for eating disorders. I went through intense therapy and was watched before, during, and after meals. The doctors told me that I’d lost 70 pounds from the point I’d started the binge and purge cycle until now. They told me that I’d severely damaged my esopagus. I’d damaged my internal organs. In the beginning of my treatment I refused to go with the treatment plan. I was so obsessed with my disorder I didn’t care if I died or not. But after a few weeks I started to make progress. Everytime I went through a meal without purging was celebrated. Everytime I went a day without binging was a high five. Everytime I gained a pound was a party. 63 days after being addmitted, I was discharged. It’s been almost 3 months since I was realised. I’m still struggling with my disorder, but I am in control now. And I now have family to support me.