Too Much Too Young

So, for the 50billionth time in my 18 years I have a plan to kill myself, again.

You think that after having religious revolations, and beliving in Karma and re-encarnation I would have given up on suicide attepmts. No, it seems my inner deamons havent had enough of my heart and keep chewing.

Let me paint you a picture here, on a giant 5’3 canvis. Picture a woman sitting, wondering how shes going to “fix” this canvis before it grows to what it really is today. She holds her pain brush up to it, then dips it in mold green, vomit yellow and black. That woman was my grandmother and I am that canvis.

Imagion being told horrible things since you were born like

“If you act like this your only seeking attention”

“If you say this you are only going to chace people away”

“People will hurt you”

Then all her words came true, to me in my head. I supressed the way I acted to fit in. If I wanted to cry and open up to someone when they asked if I was ok I would snap at them or glare or lie and say I was fine. I was told all the horrible facts about my mother and at the age of 8 asked if she truly ever loved me. I heard that my dad would only come back to me to take my money because he is a drug addict and he was never around. all my “friends” until grade five either used me or talked behind my back, talked down to me. One friend, she was my uber best friend we understood and deeply cared for one another, tried to strangle me in an insanity fit, and also jumped me and rubbed against me in a sexual manner. I didn’t understand then but I do now.

So I enter Junior Highschool. I meet two friends, one becomes my new most trusted friend. The girl that tried to strangle me and I are still friends by this point, soon I try to get rid of her. She turns her group of friends against me, tells me she will make my life so misirable that I will want to kill myself. I’m not sure the 12 year old me understood this but I thought “too late”.

One year later, after a homophobic period in life, I fall for my first love, another girl. We scaredly go for a relationship, where she cheats on me, emotionaly abuses me, calls me a whore, she smokes weed behind my back (My grandma did it to and it killed me inside when ever she did). One year later this ends. I meet my friend and he is a boy, we date, then I say I am gay. Flash forward after pointless attempts to date women. I meet the love of my life, my light, my reason to get up the first true thing I have ever felt or had. He was always there for me, always listend never intended to hurt me. So I tell my ex boyfriend I am not gay and it ends our friendship. Soon my love dates another girl after saying he liked me. Not horrible but still devistating. I hide it as much as possible, I smile at them hugging, and sitting close I become the girls friend (truethfully). Though I try to hide it the pain wont leave, and all the other memories come flooding back. Soon I bounce back I’m me and I plan to move out of my grandperants home. This becomes stressful quickly and overwhelming. So I chiken out. Sometime in this I speek with my family doctor and finaly spill whats going on at home (screaming matches over pot, mainly and how i felt my emotions were being brushed off) only then, at the age 16 when its too late does she tell me that I should have been placed in group homes. Soon I find my most trusted friend from Junior High is not who I thought she was, five years of trust and feeling like I would have a home if needs be, it all falls apart as I realise she used me as a void filler and found ways to out me down to build her confidence suddly. I go on anti-depressants, my family is relived, I am not I just couldnt take the pain and couldnt give up hope that my love may one day be with me (he broke up with his girlfriend and even then I caught him looking at me). SO we do date, kind of are now, I go off anti-depressants, and have panic attacks majorly once I move away from my grandperants. I go back on a new brand. He dislikes this because he seems to think it means he’s failed as a boyfriend. After many panic attacks he tells me, that he fears he can no longer take the stress. He never opend up to me, so I convinced myself to ignore the feeling that this was coming, to trust in him belive for once in someone with out a doupt. He says he does not want this to end but thinks he may be losing feelings for me. I have another suicidle fall, this again, this my whole life people hurt me or leave me they hold onto me until I let myself feel “hey this is gonna work” then something like this will happen. Or I realise something. Friends, family lovers it doesnt matter ANYONE its always been the same. So I go to the hospital and after years of not going when I should I’m told to take a pink pill go home and come back the next mourning. When I saw the psyciatrist I learn that because of all this, I have some borderline personality/emotional disoerder. I never had the chance to have a stable mind. Even as a baby shit happend to me. Soon I learn I’ve kept true friends awake and making them cry wondering if I’ll be around the next day. I can’t feel their love, it doesn’t reach me, only my boyfriends did. I’m waiting for treatment but I sit here tonight looking for easy ways to die (hence how i found this place). I am told suicide is selfish, its going to get me into hell, I’m just being tested.

Keeping a suffering person alive is selfish, hell is where I live now and people can fail tests. I know it could be worse but I am an individual person who feels differantly then anyone, no one feels the same things.

So help, either say insperational things or tell me how to make my suicide seem like an accident, as descreet as possible. If my friends knew it would kill them. Living is killing me. I’m already dead anyways its just a matter of my body.