It’smy son’s 17th birthday today. For his sake, for his birthday, I dragged myself out of bed to talk to him before he went to school. We were talking and laughing even though I was screaming inside with pain. He is such a handsome and wonderful young man, and the thought of leaving him without a mum is unbearable. At the same time, the thought of living on is equally unbearable. Nothing but pain. Who else is out there who lives _only_ in order to spare his/her loved ones the pain. My plan is still to kill myself in a few days, and today I will both pick up my son’s birthday present, and buy myself a helium tank – what irony. My insides feel like they are burning with hot coal, that’s how intense that pain is.