It appears long time ago that I have slipped through the cracks of life. It seems though I am watching everything from a glass window with no interaction with others. I am 29 years old and I honestly do know what to do anymore. I have had long term friends just shove me aside like I am a pile of feces waiting to me turned to dust. I told all my friends they mean the world to me and that wasn’t enough. My last friend said “We are married and no longer have any time for you.” I no longer have any friends.  I sit all day long at my job that dosen’t pay enough to do anything and I go home and watch Dragon Ball Z over and over again. I do not know why I don’t see other things I guess they just dont interest me. I go to school as well but again I sit in class and everyone sits like 6 seats to the left and right of me. Every Single Class. I know I don’t stink because I shower and take care of my self. But it never fails. I sit by myself, walk by myself, eat and sleep by my self. Thinking about it I have been doing this my entire life.
Relationships are non existent.  I worked at a nursing college as a computer tech guy for 5 years. ( not to be sexist but its a 10:1 women to men in this school ). I didn’t meet ANYONE of the opposite sex.  As far as women go I am trying to figure out wtf is wrong with them. They would rather be beaten almost to death from a guy who looks good then go out with an average guy who would love them forever and not harm them at all. I am not a shallow person but I do want a kid. Everone I seem to attract are desperate because they have kids from the douche bag and DONT WANT ANY MORE. Then they decide to leave them. WTF!?!
So I try to date these women with kids and its usually works out for a bit. They say “omg you are going to be such a great father” and the kids and I get along just great and everything is good for a month or so. Then they start to treat ME like shit. In 3 months my last girlfriend accused me of cheating seven times. I got nasty text messages in class and while I was visiting my family. Finally I said I am done. This was Fathers day when I got the seventh message.
I have figured out that there is a purpose in life. To grow up, find love, reproduce, pay taxes, and die. Thats it. There is nothing else. Now some of you might be like “God might have a different plan for you”….No he don’t. Honestly I think for those of you who herd the “voice” of god where the lowest point in your life and heard some wind that might have sounded like a voice or you were on crack so lets not go there. The brain is not programed to hear voices that are not there come on people.
Now comes the question of the day. Do I continue? All my life I have tried my best to do the right thing. Yes I have made some mistakes in the past but I like to think that I got over them. However the people who were involved in my mistakes probably don’t think that.   I help people, volunteer, and donate what little money and time I have. Still I sit in front of my TV watching season one over and over. When I can afford season two I will get it. I feel like I am in prision and I want to start putting marks on the wall for how long I been here.  How long can a person be this alone and still accept society for what it is.
In my years on this miserable little planet I have got a good I idea for how things work. You are only worth anything if you have lots of money or you are beautiful. I had money then I gave it to my friends until I had no more. Then I was worth nothing to no one. It is really sad how this works if you think about it. Honestly I would rather grow up in a third world country and drink crappy water and have people care about me then do what I am doing now.
Some of you might read this and think “Oh well this guy is just being Emo”. No, no I am not being emo. In my life this is how things are. I feel like I am the only one who this is happening to. I think this way because life seems to be working out for those around me. All the people I knew have beautiful families now and are repeating the process that they started. Me, well I am stuck in the cracks.
Given the purposes that I have given you (and yes that’s all you have to look forward too) all I have left is …well…..death. Do I hope for the best and “may the good die young” or do I just continue to put marks on the wall?
–Zekee
Let me clear up a couple of things.
I know I have really bad sentence mechanics but I try.
I guess what I was trying to say about relationships is that with my friends around me “things just happened”. I don’t know how else to explain it. In relationships I ask people how they met and I hear their story and I am like “What?”. One of my friends was driving and got a flat tire on the free way and ended up right behind another person who had a flat tire. He helped her out they exchanged numbers and now they are married. Its the luck of the cards type of thing. I am not shy I can talk to women all day long. I should stress in my story that ” I cannot meet single women” instead of anyone of the opposite sex. I start to make simple conversation and the first next thing they tell me regardless of what its about, their boyfriend has done it before. Like one time I said “i made pancakes at the bottom of my shoe its so hot out here.” , her response was “Oh yeah my boyfriend did that before”. So I take that has a sign that says get the hell away from me.
2 comments
Hey Zekee,
thanks for sharing. It was interesting to read your story.
I like your idea of putting marks on the wall, why did I never think of that? There would be more than 3,000 on mine.
I think you sound like a really nice guy. I agree that life is unfair, and I do think some people have it easy with good looks or just a good social life, while others don’t.
All I can say is you never know what might be ’round the corner. Granted, it will often be just more grief. Two years ago, though, I met a person who pulled me out from under my rock and repaired me. Of course I screwed it up, but still, she injected some good moments into my life.
Still, I’m no more optimistic than you, but I really hope something good happens for you.
Take care,
Daniel
“In my years on this miserable little planet I have got a good I idea for how things work. You are only worth anything if you have lots of money or you are beautiful. ”
“Worth” is a value judgement. If you’re not happy with those values, find some others. There is no reason to subscribe to them just because society does, and many of us do not.
“I have figured out that there is a purpose in life. To grow up, find love, reproduce, pay taxes, and die. Thats it.”
If you want to do something different, why not do it. What you seem to be saying is that you want someone like a God to point a finger at you and say “now you’ve got this grand purpose” — but you can do that for yourself. You’re clearly trying to be altruistic if you say “I help people, volenteer, and donate what little money and time I have. ” so it seems to me you are someone that really wants to get beyond just the pointless selfish acquisition that dominates most lives. The trouble is just you don’t seem to get a huge amount of satisfaction from what you’re doing to help people. That could be for a number of reasons, but it could help to think about what you would really like to achieve. My own experience of community volunteering was that it’s a pretty thankless task and you don’t get the sense of it getting anywhere.
Besides that, what you’re really talking about are loneliness, and the fact that you haven’t yet found the right woman. I think you may be right that the babymothers aren’t necessarily going to be it, but 29 is not too old to be finding the right one. The idea that people are going to settle down at a young age is a modern fiction, in fact it’s been the case since time immemorial that younger women are permanently in short supply because they are willing to consider older men as well as younger ones. I’m not sure what you mean by “I didn’t meet anyone of the opposite sex” but this probably suggests that you just happen to be shy, nothing wrong with that. Sexist comment perhaps but, you also have to consider the psychology of large groups of women, they do tend to flock a bit. Women are attracted to personality not just looks, and their appreciation of personality is a bit of a shared thing, and moreover they use each others’ preferences as a guide. The result is that with a large group of women all communicating, you may tend to either be flavour of the month or not interesting to any.
Your problem with life, then, is not that it’s unbearable, but that everything seems a bit pointless, you don’t trust people since your mates turned out to be tossers, and you don’t have a girlfriend.
My advice is, you have to learn to trust people again (but not give them money) and have friends, you are lonely otherwise. You may or may not find the right woman, but if not, don’t beat yourself up about it. If right now you don’t feel motivated about anything in life, don’t beat yourself up about that either, it’s probably the result of stress.
If you hang in there and just give it time, things will probably start looking up.
“Honestly I would rather grow up in a third world country and drink crappy water and have people care about me then do what I am doing now.”
It’s probably literally true, material things aren’t what make us happier. (Although if you loved someone that was dying of cholera that would probably be something to be sad about.) People genuinely do care about other people. You clearly care about others, right now you feel like no one cares about you, but it could happen.
God bless.