If anyone reads this whole way too-long rant, thank you for putting up with this sad display of self-loathing and sadness. I should value my life more. I know. But I just don’t. (I do hope someone reads this. This is the only way I can actually say what I think and feel to actual other people).
I’m 19 and in college, a good college. I’m about to have a good living situation with people I love to be around, good friends. I have supportive parents and a loving little sister. I have friends at home and at college. I’m relatively smart (even though I seldom feel it), and my life has the possibility of being wonderful in the future.
Despite this, I am depressed, and have been for most of my life. I used to hate my father, now I love him but only to a minimal extent. Most of the time he annoys me and I avoid his presence, and I have no real connection to him at all. I hate where I live when I’m home. The house is in poor shape, and so is the neighborhood. I feel trapped here. I want to leave, but I can’t. I sit in my room most of the time and play videogames or watch movies or television dvds to escape from the reality of my life. My life is reduced to this little room, my laptop, games, and an addiction I’ve given up trying to control. And that knowledge just depresses me more. A lot of my friends at home either don’tÂ give much attention to things I say or consider me an idiot or both, though they’ll admit to neither because they love me. People I sometimes have to see here belittle and degrade me and the value of my life. They do everything to insult me, but they’re friends of friends so I have to see them. I love my friends here. They care about me and have helped me through a lot. But aren’t always the best of friends to me.
I can’t wait to go back to college, but at the same time I only have more stress and misery waiting for me there. I’m a lazy, incompetent idiot at a lot of things. A club dealing with tens of thousands of dollars depends on me to handle their finances alone and I realize more and more I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. In one year that club could be in trouble and it would be my fault and I would be outcast. I’m co-president of another group that’s new, which ironically is about mental health awareness and fighting depression and preventing suicide, but I don’t know how to push it forward or make it bigger. In short, I can’t lead for shit, yet I’ll have no choice because I took these positions so I could feel productive and important and to challenge myself knowing full well deep down that I was going to fail. And I’ve already begun to, and come September, I will crumble under that pressure.
While dealing with the clubs, I also get to work on my GPA because right now it’s at a fucking low of 2.5, with me on academic probation, having assholes email telling me that I have to improve like I didn’t already fucking know that and I needed them to rub in my face how I fail at essentially anything and everything I do. Â I’m behind in one of my requirements so I have to stay behind next summer alone and take classes I’ll probably do poorly in. I have no self-worth in anything I do academically. Not after this past year.
I’m also short, not in shape, and don’t consider myself particularly attractive at all. I’m weird, I talk to much, and I’m probably not that interesting. I have no real hobbies except writing and I’m not a great writer. I’m good. I’ll admit that, but I’ve met so many people better than me who destroy my will to continue. I can’t play music, I’m not fit to play sports, and writing isn’t that valued anyway. So I’m not a catch. All of my friends have girlfriends or boyfriends and have all done a lot more than I ever have. So here’s my terribly cliche situation: I don’t feel attractive, no girl has liked me in a long time, the girlfriends I had were short-lived, and everybody just wants to be my friend. You have no idea how many times I’ve had someone say that to me. I’m a great friend. A lot of people value my friendship. I sit. I listen. I care. I help when I can, but meanwhile I’m passed up for anything more meaningful, while all my friends relish in their relationships. IT’S INCREDIBLY UNBEARABLE TO GO THROUGH LIFE NOT BEING WANTED BY ANYONE EVER, ALWAYS ALONE, ALWAYS WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY TOGETHER AND NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
That may be the biggest reason I want to die. I feel alone all the time. Not just because I’m never desired and never date anyone or do anything with anyone, but also because I see little point in telling people anything about my problems. People either ignore me, say I’m being a drama queen, or give me the standard “It’ll be alright. It’ll get better” horseshit. I’ve never felt like any of my therapist made me happier or understood what was wrong with me, and I never felt like they cared enough to put effort into helping.
I don’t trust my father and he annoys me. My sister is too young to talk too, and I love my mother too much to hurt her by telling her I’m unhappy. I’ve done it before. She knows about my huge depression a couple of years ago and the two times I came VERY close to killing myself. Now I just try to fool her as much as possible, because she needs me to be strong more than ever.
Which also prevents me from killing myself, that and not wanting to burden my sister and certain others with the pain of losing me. I’m loved, I know that, but that doesn’t help me for what I need to be happy and to have my own life. But I can’t kill myself, because of them, and because of the memory that that would leave behind. I don’t want my life to just be a sad story people look back on as an example of suicide. But living my life is unbearable. I’m always stressed, always worried, always alone, left to talk to imaginary people I create in the room so I can release a bit, just so I can vent to my own voices and try to calm down, because there’s no point in talking to anyone (so I’m also crazy talking to myself a lot). I’ve tried it many times, tried talking to people and telling them what’s wrong, and I’m still in the same situation I have been for 19 years. The only happiness I get is characters’ fake lives in movies and shows. I rewatch scenes again and again to pretend I’m there, to pretend I’m holding someone who loves me or doing something important or big with my life. I keep wishing for instant, painless death. If someone were to hold a gun to me and order me to do something or I die, I’d ask them, plead with them, to kill me and spare me the issues that would come with committing suicide. I wish I would just die.
The reality is this: I want to live. I want to be happy. I want my family to be happy. I want to watch my sister grow up. I want to travel with a companion, to marry, to have children (daughters, because I truly believe I am incapable of raising a boy. I think he would be as unhappy as I am now), to enjoy life, to see friends, to experience the many wonderous things this beautiful world has. But I don’t see that happening. I see myself working a dead-end, mind-numbing corporate desk job before going home at 6pm to a studio apartment and making a hot pocket for dinner to eat on a tv dinner table, sitting in front of the tv playing videogames or watching something in dirty clothes until I fall asleep… every single day, to a point where my family actually cuts the bullshit and admits that I disappointed them, and I squandered my knowledge and gifts. And they’ll leave. Because I feel that everyone leaves in the end. My friends, my family that are here in my life now… one day they’ll be gone from my life, for different reasons, and I’ll be alone to drown in my own depression and self-loathing. I fear that more than anything. I fear loneliness and abandonment.
If one person can value my friendship, my presence, and even love me, be attracted to me, want to travel with me, want to see me, consider me important, critical in their life, I’ll probably be able to endure everything else, so long as I have that one, REAL connection so I’m not alone. I would be happy then. I truly think real love, romance, is the best thing for me to be happy. With it, with that one person, I feel like everything else would fall into place, swiftly or gradually. Without it, I’m left to wallow with this shit of a life. And left waiting and pleading for death to take me away. I’m actually am wondering. What are people’s thoughts on this? What can I do to help my situation and be happy?