I don’t reallyÂ want to die, I just want to be able to live my own way. I don’t want to be forced to live this life that I have no choice whatsoever over.Â
What I love about life: I love nature, I love the seasons, the river, laughing, talking with my friends, sleeping soundly, dreaming, and thinking deeply. To me, that’s all really Â life should be about. There’s nothing wrong with me, except that I am literally forced to see all those things that I love about life as some kind of privilege that you have to deserve. You have to work hard in a job you don’t like (don’t tell me to change my job like it’s thatÂ simple) you have to pay bills that you can’t afford. You have to obey countless rules, and the ‘rule book’ isn’t even something that we have access to! Only the lawlords have access to it and if you break one of those rules that you don’t know exists, then you have to pay a lot of money to the few that have access to that rule book so that they can play a very tricky, expensive game in a court, with your life. I want NOTHING to do with that world! Â I haven’t myself had any run in’s with the law but I know plenty that have and on behalf of them and on behalf of my respecting my own fellow man, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT WORLD.Â
All I want to do is enjoy my seasons, my thinkings, my peace of mind, my fellow men, my nature. But there is no place for me in the world. Many would call me a bum, or a hippie or someone too mean to contribute to society. That is not true. I would contribute endlessly to a society that is true and has our best interests at heart. I have all the love and action in the world for a society like that.Â
So what about me? Am I not allowed to opt out of this corrupt society? Is the onlyÂ alternative for me suicide?Â
I am at home right now about to put an exit bag over my head that I have been preparing, and I feel so sad. Sad that I want to live so much, more than the average person that I meet who isÂ actually living (but in my eyes they are merely existing like a robot). I knowÂ how to live and how to love, but this world wants rid of me. Thanks world, I loved you so much and had so much to give but you didn’t want it, or me.
I guess this world now belongs to something else other than love and life, it belongs to some kind of machine that everyone must work themselves into the ground to keep it moving. I can’t do that, I tried but I had too much love and life inside of me. Sorry.