Everything I do, everything I try, no matter how hard I work, falls apart. It never ends. I have no prospects. I can’t even get my foot in the door to start a career. I can’t even get a regular, meaningless job. It’s like people look at me and see right though me, to some inner secret place that screams I’m a loser, don’t bother. Hell even the kids in grade school knew it. I don’t even believe they were just jerks anymore. I really am a loser. My life is going nowhere, its mostly my fault, and I’m running out of ways to fix it. Everything I’ve spent the last years building means nothing because I’ve screwed up too many times, no one believes I have any integrity, and I’m starting to believe that they’re right.  It doesn’t matter that I’m wicked smart,  that I work my ass off, that I know exactly what I want out of life. I’ve fucked up too many times, there is just no way to fix it. I’m going to end up just like my parents, old and alone working a meaningless job that I hate and unable to even look at myself in the mirror, and it terrifies me. And I’m so alone. Everyone I have ever cared about, loved, trusted, relied on, has let me down, abandoned me, betrayed me. I cannot form meaningful relationships anymore, I am so fucked up about how often and how badly I have been hurt that when anyone shows me kindness I run away, or worse, react with anger and disgust. I have friends I guess but no one I really trust, no one I can turn to when things are bad, no one who can cheer me up. I’m 32 years old, and I have nothing. No job, no prospects, no friends, no lover, no money, no place of my own, no car, nothing. I am so bad at living I don’t even know what to do anymore. So many times I have almost had things together and it just blows up. So many times. Everytime. Why can’t I get anything right? Why can’t I just catch a fucking break? Just when I think I have it figured out I am beaten down, again. And again and again. I can’t take it anymore. What the hell is the point?
1 comment
this might be the only hope I have for humanity and mankind:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO5TRhVlUQ8
I hope this is all true..
Other than this,….I don’t know what else. Seriously…