I’ve been spiritual all my life, I always had a strong sense of something (call it God if you like). It was always the thing that I listened to, prayed to, and lived through. I’ve always had bouts of depression, some of which so bad that I tried to end my life a few times. When I eventually rise from the depressions, I feel amazing, stronger and better than before and ever more spiritual. But this past year has been the worst I have ever been through and I don’t seem to be pulling through, and I’m not sure I even want to this time. I never lose my spirituality, it’s always there through the good and the bad. Today I’ve been feeling like enough is enough, I have to drag myself out of this hole because I am so close to acting out a suicide that will most definitely work. Today, I decided to really connect with whatever is beyond me and ask for help, but then I just realised how stupid I am in even thinking about doing that. Why on earth would anything help me out of my darkness when 57% of the worlds population are suffering physical and horrific ordeals? Whose helping them?Â
Hit me like a thunderbolt. There is nothing beyond this life, there is nothing helping us and no-one really cares; why should they? We all have our own problems. I’ve been confusing my own strength for ‘God’ or something beyond me, but really it’s just my own human capability to survive. I have now survived so much that I no longer have any strength left to survive this one. Plus the fact that I now know there is no magic beyond this makes me no longer love life anyway.