I hate what I am feeling. I am closer now than ever and no one really understands. I don’t know why death seems to be the only way to peace, but it does. I have been on this earth for a long time, 40 years, and not once have I achieved my happiness that I perceive to be worth living for. In the whole world I cannot find comfort. For the first time in my life and I mean for the first time, I am seriously considering just ending it all. I cry every day, sometimes all day. Tears fall constantly. No one will rescue me from the pain, the hurt. It’s like no one hears my screaming for help. The people that mean anything to me in my life are only hearing what they want to hear. They are only concerned with their own realities. I look at the birds and trees, the clouds and the skies, and I see beauty- but no happiness. I guess I am just tired of the hurting, the sadness, and the lack of support in what I am going through inside. I have a means to end it all. It would be simple, and I believe it would be painless. Then, I wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning and cry yet again. I am so confused. I have a child, I have a mother, I have a husband and brothers. But, I don’t have what I need to have in order to be happy. Money is low, bills are due, losing my job maybe, house in disarray, losing my mind, losing my beauty, everything is going wrong. I just needed to say that I am almost there. I just want to save enough money for my funeral. I don’t want to put burdens of finance on my family. cremation is cheaper than burials, so I don’t know how much I have to save, but I pray that something happens in my mind to save me. I pray that God sends angels to comfort me and minister to me, I pray that some way I am able to make it through this.