I hate what I am feeling. I am closer now than ever and no one really understands. I don’t know why death seems to be the only way to peace, but it does. I have been on this earth for a long time, 40 years, and not once have I achieved my happiness that I perceive to be worth living for. In the whole world I cannot find comfort. For the first time in my life and I mean for the first time, I am seriously considering just ending it all. I cry every day, sometimes all day. Tears fall constantly. No one will rescue me from the pain, the hurt. It’s like no one hears my screaming for help. The people that mean anything to me in my life are only hearing what they want to hear. They are only concerned with their own realities. I look at the birds and trees, the clouds and the skies, and I see beauty- but no happiness. I guess I am just tired of the hurting, the sadness, and the lack of support in what I am going through inside. I have a means to end it all. It would be simple, and I believe it would be painless. Then, I wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning and cry yet again. I am so confused. I have a child, I have a mother, I have a husband and brothers. But, I don’t have what I need to have in order to be happy. Money is low, bills are due, losing my job maybe, house in disarray, losing my mind, losing my beauty, everything is going wrong. I just needed to say that I am almost there. I just want to save enough money for my funeral. I don’t want to put burdens of finance on my family. cremation is cheaper than burials, so I don’t know how much I have to save, but I pray that something happens in my mind to save me. I pray that God sends angels to comfort me and minister to me, I pray that some way I am able to make it through this.
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To my dearest TearsOfFire:
I hope that at this very moment you are feeling well. I hope that your broken spirit can be mended and that you can somehow gain all the strength in this world to go on and control your situation. Sometimes all in our lives can be going well, and we still feel depressed, saddened and burdened. And what’s so funny is that we can never seem to understand why that is. I’ve been there on countless occasion and trust me..it’s not a beautiful place to be…not a happy one at all.
Im in no way pitying you my dear, but I cannot help but to feel your emotions through your writings. I can’t understand what you are going through but I still have some sort of understanding (seeing that i’ve at that point before). I know that this may sound infantile to you, but I so wish that all peace can flow over you, I pray that all joy can be felt in your heart, I wish that every good thing this world has to offer can suddenly attract itself to you. But we know that sometimes those things are all we can do…hope, pray, wish.
Even so my dear, I just ask that you keep pushing on and keeping strong for your family. I know that perhaps you may feel alone since you wrote that they are only ‘hearing what they want to hear’. I hope that at some point they can just STOP & LISTEN and allow you to fully explain how you are feeling. You shouldn’t have to go thhrough this alone. But this site is here to assist you in some way. Countless people here have faced what it is that you are facing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Again i reiterate, I wish for you all the best that life has to offer. If you need someone to speak to who can relate to you or perhaps just listen and not judge….then you can contact anyone on this site, including me….my contact is angeloflight91@hotmail.com
Tearsoffire: I only joined this site today, hello. Hope you don’t mind me reading your post and responding, but it hit a nerve with me. I feel exactly the same, I too am just holding out hoping that god will send me a signal, some flicker of hope. It’s hard isn’t it? I don’t know what else to say, I’m sorry I can’t send you any hope or convince you of a reason to live, I can’t find one myself either, but like you, I keep praying that will change. X
hey hang in there im praying 4 u i knw hw u feel u wake up nd life might be fine but u feel empty nd sad in urself outside the world looks beautiful bt there is no happiness im praying 4 u nd like the good charlotte song says hold on believe in god nd he will help u read ur bible tell sum one close to u hw feel maybe they cn help u out i here if u want ot talk contact me at rw06605@gmail.com i wnt judge jst listen god bless u nd no this god loves u