Will I?

Will I? When it is the hardest time in my life, and the worst of all my fears are upon me, will I?  When I cannot see a reason, not one at all, to continue, will I? I am sitting in this room alone and thinking that no one in this whole world gives a damn about me, or the pain I feel for just simply being, will I? Why do I need him to love me so much? Why do I need them to understand? Why can’t I admit that I know what the truth is and that it hurts so bad it makes me want to die? Why do I need for him to love me the way that I need him to love me? Why don’t I love myself enough to see what is in front of  me for what it really is? I have fallen so very hard and I do not see a way to retrieve my dignity, my self-worth, my truth of being.  Why does my childhood matter? The death of my father, neglect from  my mother, lack of affection, etc. Why have I been searching and longing for the pure love that my mind created? It began as a thought within me and I believed that the imagery of what Love was would be the reality of what I received when Love arrived. I was so wrong. Will I? Will I? Will I decide to snatch the reality of this life clean from my lungs and destroy this consciousness? Will the fact that I have cried every day for the last thirty years, and even before that, be enough for me to exit the scene permanently? Inside of me there is chaos and crisis. The storms never cease, they exceed the limits that I believed were there, each and every time. Will I finally just die? I am afraid to do it and I am afraid to not do it. I have never felt this kind of pain before- I didn’t know it could get this bad. I simply don’t want to be here any longer- but the guilt I feel keeps me here. My father committed suicide, and I know the pain I have carried since the age of 10. I don’t want to hurt my child that way. Will I?