I’ve been lurking around this site for quite some time without posting my own story/words. I’m going to try not to ramble right now but if I do, forgive me. I have no one to talk to and I’m hoping that finally writing this will alleviate some of this pain.
Instead of starting with explaining my past, I will start with the now. I am a female, 28 years old. This past Tuesday I was fired from my job. It is approximately the 15th job I’ve lost within the last 8 years. I was only there a year and a half. I just went through this in 2008. Somehow back then, I managed to stay afloat doing temp work. I told no one that I was struggling until November of that year when I faced eviction after I lost one of my temp jobs. I broke down and asked my mother for help, and she gave me money. She also called me a loser and reacted to my failures the way she always has – with hostility and contempt. I won’t be asking for her help this time.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse I suffered as a child. It is something I have never told my family about, they have no idea this happened to me. A friend of the family is who molested me. I’ve known for a very long time, even as I grew up, that this incident stunted my growth as a person. I have never been whole. I have never been Happy. It has affected every single aspect of my life – love, goals, career, school, & self-esteem in general.
I have lived in a suburb of Washington DC for the last 8 years, originally I am from Missouri. As much as I hate my hometown I wish I could go back there right now. Since moving here, I’ve floated from job to job and have been fired or forced out of each and every one on a bad note. I cannot relate to people in a normal way. Social interaction is and always has been extremely difficult and exhausting for me. Making friends is next to impossible, however, I seem to draw the types of people I loathe – shallow, judgmental, the types of people who tell you to “cheer up” when you describe what it is like to live with severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.
I’ve always had suicidal thoughts. At age 14 I made an attempt, it has been my only attempt thus far. I promised myself I’d never attempt it again….that if I did it again I would succeed at it. Deciding to take your own life is not child’s play. I think that the method I’ve chosen, helium bag, is full proof and yet, I’ve been rattled for the last 3 days with shakiness over possibly surviving it, or even worse, not being able to obtain all of the materials I need because my money is so very tight. After paying this month’s rent I’ve got less than $300. I have a backup plan to take a combination of pills but I believe if I am forced to use that method that I will survive. I don’t want to survive.
I was not terribly shocked that I was fired from this job. In fact, I sort of saw it coming, one can always tell when they’re not wanted. I’m a hard worker, not very sociable, but reliable and efficient at whatever tasks I am given. In this culture however, what matters more is that you are a good bullshitter. A good schmoozer, a good ass-kisser. I am none of those because I refuse to be fake. I struggle with bouts of depression intercepted by a few days of contentment. Never more than a few days though. I have not tried to treat this with medication which means that I go through the motions. This has caused the constant job losses. Each time that I’ve been down and out I forged onward and somehow had the glimmers of hope that my life was worth it to take shit jobs or shit pay and make it work until I was back on my feet.
This time around, I have to admit to myself that I really do not want to start all over……all over again. Last couple days I’ve spent sending out my resume, trying to think of alternatives, options, solutions. There’s a family get-together this Sunday that I have to make an appearance at and it is the only reason I have not killed myself already. Must appear to everyone that things are fine so as not to arouse suspicion. I have put off suicide so many times I can’t count anymore. I’ve had methods at my fingertips that slipped away because I chose instead to fight for this belief that I could make my life right. I’ve had good luck, been given second chances with new jobs that appeared out of nowhere and had these opportunities to actually better myself somehow, and maybe address the problems that are constantly fucking things up for me.
I think I’ve used up all my second chances. Because I don’t have a desire to fight this time. I’m doing the job hunt and even applied for a loan with my bank today (which was rejected). But there are very few available jobs. The ads are quite vacant. The ones available are not offering anywhere near a livable wage. Pointless.
Okay, so I have rambled so much now but I guess I just need to let it all out. I feel that my life is a waste. I’ve worked and failed, tried schooling and failed at that too. I have no more ambitions or goals. The most recent ones I did have were the kinds of things that one needs a good job to achieve. I’ve gone from making over $35k/yr to making nothing and all it took was a man coming into my office telling me he didn’t want me to come back because I’m not a TEAM PLAYER.
Despite how scared I am, how uncertain I am of what happens when we die, I am trying to find the strength to follow through with suicide this time around. This is clearly and endless cycle I am living. I am so terrified and so alone. I don’t want to die. But I cannot stand this emptiness and the expectations. Can’t stand that I am never judged on the merit of my work and instead I lose jobs because I wasn’t cheery enough for someone in the office. Wasn’t cute enough to sit at the front desk. Wasn’t perfect enough for the only man I ever loved to love me in return. Not good enough for my mother to say she’s proud of me. Never good enough. But I hope and pray that I can at least get this final exit right.
Thanks for reading.
21 comments
Hi anon,
It seems that right now we are both in the exact same situation. I have planned to exit this weekend (helium), I’ve been trying to do this for a month. I, like you, have always found a tiny bit of hope from somewhere to carry on, only to end up in the same situation months or years later. I’m never really happy because I just don’t see the world like most others do. I can’t do the bullshitting and ass licking either and so people think I’m cold, distant ‘not a team player’.
I posted on here last night because in light of what I’m about to do, I feel so scared and lonely. In fact those words don’t describe how I’m feeling, I can’t find words for it. I assume you also feel really awful so if you wanna talk over the next coupla days, feel free to email me.
jenttargreat@yahoo.co.uk
Hi anon,
It seems that right now we are both in the exact same situation. I have planned to exit this weekend (helium), I’ve been trying to do this for a month. I, like you, have always found a tiny bit of hope from somewhere to carry on, only to end up in the same situation months or years later. I’m never really happy because I just don’t see the world like most others do. I can’t do the bullshitting and ass licking either and so people think I’m cold, distant ‘not a team player’.
I posted on here last night because in light of what I’m about to do, I feel so scared and lonely. In fact those words don’t describe how I’m feeling, I can’t find words for it. I assume you also feel really awful so if you wanna talk over the next coupla days, feel free to email me.
jenttargreat @ yahoo co uk
jentttar, thank you for your kind words. It is comforting to know I am not the only one going through this. I will definitely email you!
Anon13, I don’t know you…But if I could numb your pain or lessen your load even a little bit, I would.
Dear Anon13, I’m 28 yrs old too but I’m a guy and from Indonesia.
it’s funny, yet also wonderful, of how Internet nowadays able to connect a supposedly ‘unknown, unrelated’ strangers/individuals.
But let me tell you this: knowing persons like you is worth a gold, to me, rather than those “bullshiter”, shallow, judgemental people that unfortunately seems to abound EVERYWHERE I go (and yes, I’m very similar like you, I always, always hate fakeness and all the BS craps like schmoozing, kissing someone’s ass, sugarwords, etc. more about this below).
But let me tell you that it’s NOT only in America’s culture, but I think it’s almost EVERYWHERE now,..no, sorry, I mean perhaps every BIG, major city.
you know, I often thinking about just drop all these bullshit craps, and perhaps just move somewhere to a remote village, more better if I can also practice some spirituality there.
I suddenly remember that this kind of place DOES exist, one of them is in Kyoto of Japan (visited it ’bout three years ago, by myself), those area with mountains & traditional temples that just seeing them can make your soul to be seemingly at peace, and also Whole.
and I’ll NEVER ever ever forgot this very nice mother with her daughter that just greeted me on the street out of nowhere, and offered me to their house and gave a cup of tea, and we shared and we smiled and we laughed together, and me playing the piano there ’till it was quite late at night.
I will NEVER forgot how the they said, in a very broken English and some Japanese: “you are always more than welcome to STAY here” (yes, it’s not only merely to “come”, but they said it firmly: “STAY”).
And believe me, at this current point of time, I would probably just go there, instead of dealing with more bullshit craps in this rotten humanity city ALL OVER again, everyday, day-to-day, just like you perfectly said, Anon13.
Make no mistake though, from outside appearance, I look very very “healthy and normal”, ie: I have good physical attributes, there’re admitedly many girls who likes me (but somehow I can’t able to relate with many of them, because some of them are, yes, either too superficial or materialistic for me, which is the types that always irk me off), and then I’m born of a quite-wealthy family (but guess what: last week I just decided to quit my SEVEN-years job in that family business job. I can no longer stand being fake and all smiles with customers etc when I honestly have ZERO passion for that job).
Only a very very few people (some I even also met through online/Internet! not from Real life people surrounding me) that really understand such emptiness, hopelessness-in-humanity deep inside of me.
Heck, I am even NOW so much scared to pursue what I first thought to be probably the most purest, peaceful goal and ‘Grandest Purpose’ of mine: Music (yes I am a musician/composer/songwriter). Because all I see nowadays is NOT really “musicians”, but -again like you said perfectly Anon13- good “schmoozers, kiss assers, promoters, huge investors etc” with only honestly LESS-decent music!!
it’s all (or MOSTLY) only about being superficial, commercial, and shallow in the music world. it’s really VERY very sad to me. The good ones, usually indie artists/musicians, are sadly those who really struggle the most, unlike those mainstream, commercial craps spewed everyday on the TV and radios that makes my ear & heart wants to bleed out.
However,..I myself am now still looking VERY hard, for me to keep LIVING (not only merely *existing*, ‘cuz I’d rather die than that!), finding hope to keep living. Although just last week I’ve quit my seven-years of being “secure and spoiled” job,…..and honestly, I am damn scared that from here on I would undergo those experiences you’re going, Anon13, because I’m also the type of person who can’t do bullshit, schmoozing, and generally just being damn fake.
I am so scared.
The only thing that perhaps still *DRIVES* me very much to keep living, well, HOPE to keep living, is those beautiful, deep, sincere people and humanity that still makes me think there’s still some GOOD people & humanity in this often sick-and-cold world. and that makes me want to ‘connect’ with them even more, through -hopefully again- my MUSIC.
I just really really hope that I’ll able to grow and make some positive contributions with my Music, and that many people would accept my music.
Because otherwise, if this is lost, then honestly………I don’t see any more reason to stay here in this damn superficial fake world, no, actually more of HUMANITY, anymore!
So you’re not alone, Anon13.
feel free also to email me at nikiwonoto@gmail.com
You seem like a very genuine, sincere kind of girl, and I’d love to have more genuine sincere friends like you, even though it’s only thru online, it doesn’t matter.
much much better than encountering superficial BS in my everyday life.
Anon13, I have posted quite a long response just now, but it’s in “awaiting moderation” unfortunately, as usual with this website. you might just have to wait for a few couple hours, and you’ll able to read it.
My point is: you’re not alone Anon13. I can relate so much with you, thank you for posting your sincere, heartfelt lifestory of yours here.
Please wait & read my response.
niki,
Your description about Kyoto was beautiful! What you say there is so comforting and makes me sad at the same time because one of my goals or plans was to save up some money, quit the shitty (but well-paying) job and travel abroad. And my intention was to never return to the States, I wanted to find a nice off-the-beaten-path place to settle down and live a very simplistic life. I even had some thoughts about doing some sort of training courses so that no matter where I settled down I could still work and support myself. All of these things, these ideas and goals are now so far away that they aren’t even real to me anymore. Just that one action, someone snatching my job away from me, snatches away from me this chance to really alter my existence. A chance that I do not believe I am going to get another shot at.
I also know how it feels to voluntarily walk away from a good job. I worked a very good corporate job in DC a couple years ago. Every day at that place I felt that I was among WOLVES AND DEVILS. My very spirit was being devoured daily and one cold February day I just walked out. It was one of the most horrifying and liberating moments of my life. I had no idea what I was gonna do. At least in that situation it was MY choice. I struggled that entire year, worked off and on and ate very little, slept even less and didn’t ask for help until I was backed against the wall only for my own mother to call me a loser and for so-called friends to offer no assistance of any kind. I survived that ordeal and I think partly the fact that I had brought it on myself by leaving the corporate job is why I had the fire in my belly to keep trying.
This time….my stability was taken away from me for no reason. I was not “happy” at my job but I was certainly grateful for it. I paid off some big debts in my time there and the next step was to be saving for my final liberation and complete life changes. To have that cut loose is seriously fucking with my well-being right now. I am seething at this world right now. I’m also tired and no longer have any fire in the belly.
You seem like perhaps you still have a fire in you. I can feel it in your words and I hope that you use it and take advantage of your liberation! Do not hesitate. Like you, I have felt much comfort from reading what people post here. Something is so terribly wrong with this world and for once I see that it is not only me who notices this. We are made to believe that we are sick in our minds when in reality, it is our environments that are sick. Even my work environments have all been SICK….and I ask myself all the time, how can I be expected to operate perfectly within a completely failed system? The answer is I CAN’T. The answer is…..I have to take myself OUT OF THE SYSTEM……one way or another…..
Anon13, and isn’t it very sad that the term “losers” nowadays even apply to those of us who are actually WILLING to work hard, but that we just don’t want to bend & succumb and work in this evil System??
I am very totally sure that if there is an honest, ethical, and meaningful job that’s still paying good enough (don’t have to be paying very damn high $$$), then you (and I, & people like us) would be more than happy to work in that kind of job!
But alas, it looks like the humanity nowadays is evolving into such a bleak and superficial and cold one!
We have FAR forgotten how to live the very genuine, sincere, kind & caring kind of life, like that life I mentioned in Kyoto!
It’s really ironic if you think about it: at first it’s WE (humans) who invent the system, and now it’s also WE who are crushed by that very own system we’ve CREATED! Why? Because the system turns out to support only the superficial kind of people (I’m not saying all of ’em, but really, do you honestly believe that those kind, honest, sincere souls/individuals still able to *survive* and LIVE in this fucked-up system??)
This is why I’m basically having this one ONLY hope, aside from all the controversies surrounding it: it’s the year 2012 (I & some other people here have posted and discussed a lot about it here, just look at the August posts archive), the year which mentioned that *something BIG* would happen to ‘wash’ this humanity, and rebuilt the kind of ‘New Consciousness’ (even now I can see this ‘evolution’ sign, ie: I see more & more people nowadays are getting spiritual, and feel ‘connected’ and ‘Oneness’ with one another, regardless of race, economic status, etc. and I guess this is a good news).
Now as much as I have been an agnostic myself, yet now I somehow started to believe and even have HOPE that those ‘spiritual’ predictions would really come true to our physical, 3D material existence right now!
Don’t get me wrong, Anon13, I do still have some hope,
but I think I would probably seriously re-thinking my decision to LIVE, if by 2012 and some time after, NOTHING is really happening and that it’s all “business as usual” (god I even hate that word so much: “business as usual”. fucking mundane boring life, is that all there is in this so-called REALITY ????? then I’d rather die).
And while waiting for that D-day to come, I just prepare myself (spiritually especially), and use my newfound liberation to hone more of my ‘Purpose’ that I’ve been feeling always: to create music that will inspire & heal many yearning, hurtful souls out there, and to bring mankind, humanity into its basic pure form and together again!
Anon13, on more practical note: do you think you can still try to find some job that you find meaningful, maybe like Non-profit organization, I’ve read that they usually accept volunteers, so maybe you can volunteer there for like two-three months, and then afterward you can start getting paid quite good enough?
Is money really the most urgent thing you need right now? (from what I read, it does sound you need it so badly right now, to basically have enough to ‘run’ from this evil system)
Have you tried googling around a job that you like (what is it that you’ll like doing?), perhaps google “teach overseas/abroad” and sometimes these days you can find some very funny-yet-true answers on the Net, and even some connections (you would perhaps find MORE sincere & honest people on the Net rather than in your Real Life surrounding! like I did. *yes, contrary to what MOST people in this society said about the ‘danger’ with Internet*).
The Internet might open up & expand what seems to initially be ‘Impossible’ in your real life, to be a ‘Possible’ one.
try to use it, and explore it more, perhaps? and who knows what you’ll find?
I’ve read in one book (unfortunately I forgot the title) that sometimes BIG things will come in the least unexpected place or corner or whatever.
all you have to do is just TRY it first.
….maybe this is true, and could provide at least some kind of Hope for you to keep living, and hopefully, will be able to find somewhere you really belong,..and grow more from there.
niki,
Energy of the weak adheres to the stronger.
And energy of the negative attracted to the negative.
But energies of 2 strong forces (no matter the polarity) repel one another.
The above is the law of the energy of the unseen.
This barrier can only be crossed if with unconditional-love at mind.
You are swift and wise enough to understand it.
And from this comment, you might also see the seemingly harsh words I hope you are generously enough to forgive.
In Japan, the metropolitan city and the village have a huge difference of ways of life, and that can also explain the extreme high rate of suicide there.
In villages of Japan, where there are cultivated farmlands (except those people in wretched homes), they know the essence of livelihood, and can show you the hospitality you mentioned about.
Not even the good people would like once in a while to live in this kind of hospitality, but also the materialistic bad also longs for a time of relaxation.
What one needs is the heart to share, a few good stories, or some music to perform, or a day’s help in that family’s daily routines or accomplishing some appreciated piece of work, can in return of their hospitality in wine and food and lodge. And on the next day to say goodbye, it may even draw each other’s tears to farewell your trip.
But that dosen’t indicate a longtime home to stay, but a journey of life we treasure in heart.
Life of a good day in the village, is temporary, as served as a motivation to strive for more better days ahead. It’s a dream or hope for carrying on in life, not necessarily the certain ultimate goal to settle.
And one could be like the Swiss Robinson Family at ease of enjoying daily life in virtual thinking, but not to adopt the actual style of life to lead.
You are a traveller in heart, but your present home has become your cage.
Better get your own space somewhere else, so you can have the freedom at wild.
It’s not your family that bound you, just your own heart. Of that you might fully realize.
Your power of creativity is strong, only that your immediate environment keeps pressuring you in.
And what to be coming next, I need not saying any further to a wise man.
I hope one day you can break through and regain yourself to infill your soul to your music.
About helping that I’ve learned, going too strong or too fast onto a stranger to ask even the location of a road, could be questioned of your real motives, especially when a man encountering the weak, or a female.
Sometimes it’s just hard to prove your genuineness. You couldn’t just prove yourself being a boy by stripping off the pants to show. Right ? And you couldn’t prove your purity in heart too by just proving your absence of any lusty thoughts by showing non-erection in public.
Sometimes they say giving time will tell, but when the time is dire dear.
Those seem to add up as parts of difficulties in life.
The river that flows, can’t be stopped or rerouted by just a meagre individual, unless damaging force like dynamite is used.
Even building a dam, always costing lives, and they don’t even know the cause. By mass destructing the earth, the energy within is disturbed, in other words, that you take, have to pay at last.
A country out there already had a big building constructed this year to absorb back the world’s energy, and has proved that it worked.
Since it’s a secret, I can only say it is situated in a no-crop-circles country.
Love out there is abundant, only that people are just mean to play even a part to offer a bit.
And nice to have you here !
niki – I indeed have continued searching for another job. I have $$ to last me only about two weeks. This greatly impacts my decision about suicide. As I look for more work I also applied for unemployment benefits, but there is a high probability that I will not get it. I’ve applied for it in the past many times and was always rejected. But I am not a person driven by money at all. In this situation it is a practicality issue only, a survival issue. If I even had enough just to buy a plane ticket to anywhere else in the world I’d likely just leave or would look into the volunteering. That was actually something I planned to do, with a program called Workaway where one can travel all over and do odd jobs in exchange for free room and board and food.
I don’t know what will happen. I am sort of waiting it out. There really are no jobs, I search every day. So I do try to hold out for something but once the money has run completely out there isn’t anything I can do. Part of me does not want to bother with another job, I admit that, but I still look for one. I do not know what will happen……
fireflieslite: I can’t stand people who talk the way you do, it’s not what you are actually saying (which is all quoted from books and not your own words) but it’s how you say it, like you’re some wise old sage walking along a dusty road somewhere in times past. It’s patronizing to everyone involved and you sound like a twat mate.
galactic-sperm-bank,
I treat everyone a teacher, even a 2-years old toddler, I can even learn and share from his smile.
You are more than welcomed to prove of what you said, I even will thank you for that for finding me a friend to talk with, for being not that lonely in feelings.
fireflieslite: I am not talking about how you treat people or what you learn from, I am solely talking about the way in which your wrote the reply to Niki (above) which is clearly taken from various books but you use the language in which it addresses the reader as your own and when that comes from someone on a forum it comes across as patronizing (to everyone, not just the individual you’re addressing). I’m just telling you that I hate that. I am not attacking you, I am criticizing how you wrote that reply to niki. To me, it is very patronizing to TELL people where they are going wrong and what they need to do etc, Niki had a nice story about a place he visited in Japan and you come along and try to wise owl all over it. I have nothing else to say. Sorry you’re lonely with your feelings.
galactic-sperm-bank,
If what you talked about is the tour to Japan, I can tell you that I’ve been there a few times, and I watched tour series too about people staying in village homes being welcomed or not welcomed, totally more than 20 series of 20 different individuals to different villages.
If what I’m not specifically stating out in a already long talk, I’m gladly tell more if niki requests.
But if it’s only your personal dislike towards me, I just can’t help or have any intention to reform your ideas.
Just a share of thought as you to me, simply, but in a different mood.
If what you want is a sorry from me to have aroused your hate. Here, sorry !
@ original poster (28 y.o girl)
I think that to have reached this point should be interesting in the sense that you need to find environments that are healthy in terms of life quality. Because of your personal profile to which I fully relate, you are not in the place that suits you. Forget about suicide, you dont qualify for that, as there is nothing irreversible in your life.
There are quite a few people who are breaking away with city life, lawyers, engineers, and have even left the US, (which I d highly recommend for everybody) and have settled in rural areas in Sicilia, rearing hens, pigs and rabbits.
I met some in casual talks. One of them. The couple lived in Madrid, in the poor districts. Catching the metro 7 times a day to work some miserable day after day. They could not take it anymore. It was clear to them they had to leave that life or life would do it for them. They choose a village in northern Spain, took a half fallen stone house and applied to one of those funds the goverment has for promoting self business or rural tourism. Well, they have settled there, live surrounded by farm animals and offer agroturism to the stressed tourists from Madrid. The woman prepares breakfast and the man is always doing some repair or build here and there.
This guy from Indonesia seem to be interested in you. You two could get in contact and you could meet in Indonesia and work some project together, for a start maybe in the family business he so much hates, and later on you can buy a house for peanuts in the area.
You are young, healhty, perfectly capable. Just get out of DC and the US. It is no good. You dont belong to it.
I bought a beautiful fully newly built flat in the Baltics for 15.000 Euros, despite my being from 4000 kms away. Once I have that, all I need to survive is 200 dollars a month for food, that is all. This means, breaking away is what you have to be planning as soon as you can and move to other more suitable life styles.
O
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Oracle,
I agree with you about removing myself from the environment as opposed to me committing suicide. Like I’d mentioned a few comments above, I had some plans on leaving and was in the process of saving money, doing research and handling little practicalities so that I could make my escape. Losing my job is devastating. I am not a person who is tied to material things or money but obviously the job was a means to be able to change my situation, change my life. The same evil society I was trying to escape snatched away my very ability to escape them! It’s insane. I know very well that I am not really in the category of people who should die by suicide. But there are certain realities that are inescapable right now that force me to face it as an option head on.
Again, I have not attempted suicide for nearly 14 years despite having suicidal thoughts almost daily for most of my life since then. If I get approved to receive unemployment benefits, I might be okay. Of course that will be determined by a government worker who will hear my boss claim that he rightfully fired me even though he only fired me because I skipped the company picnic and didn’t laugh at his jokes. (I’m not a team player, remember?) I’ve applied for unemployment assistance many times in the past and never received it.
So I’m not even bothering to be optimistic because I know that if things go badly I will crumble and may be too much of a wreck to even handle killing myself. Just being as realistic as possible about ALL of my options.
I’m at my mother’s apartment tonight with my older sister, my nephew and niece. A typical family get-together. Some might say just tell them or ask for help but it is not an option for they too are struggling in this shitty economy. This may be the last time that my family sees me alive. I’ve grown so tired of my failing again and again, messing up and picking up the pieces only to be back at square one all over again.
Sorry for rambling.
Oracle said: “This guy from Indonesia seem to be interested in you. You two could get in contact and you could meet in Indonesia and work some project together, for a start maybe in the family business he so much hates, and later on you can buy a house for peanuts in the area.”
I guess I should consider this. Although I don’t know if I’d say he’s “into” me, lol.
@oracle: thank you for mentioning!
@Anon13: you know, I’ll be very honest here: one of the things that I *wish* I could experience more in life is in fact a friend from other country!!
I used to study in LA for 4-years, and ever since I went straight back to Indonesia, one of the things that I really missed the most is the encounter & friendship with people from other culture! (yes I am *that* open-mind & ‘adventurous’, always love to make NEW friends,..especially people like you whom I can relate soo much!).
so you’re very MORE than welcome if you want to go here to Indonesia!! 🙂
perhaps if you don’t mind, can I ask for ur email,..or you can perhaps start email me 1st at nikiwonoto@gmail.com
One question though: you said you’re tired of living in DC (it’s Washington, right?). have you ever considered to move to other states like, say, LA, or Seattle, or SF, or New York, etc etc ?
perhaps moving to another *state* (not necessarily *country*) would already change the life culture & environment & people……or not so much? (oracle, are you from US too? what do u think about this?)
it’s really funny I guess..because I’m actually also recently quite heavily considering of looking for other country..have I said Kyoto of Japan?? 🙂
Anon13,
You’ve just proved yourself strong enough to touch souls, while thoughts at extreme.
It just depends on which way you’ll use your abilities, construct or destruct.
Don’t think much of your future, but now.
Create yourself an environment, at least you can’t fall.
Don’t dwell too much on one’s own pride. Example, your mother gave you money but calling you a loser.
A loser at one thing, just as long as you later should prove yourself not, that counts.
It’s not to win at another thing by dying, that only could prove them right.
How about this. On some days in the future, you give your mother money or gifts at times, in return to see her loser’s face in awe of gibbering with smile. Then you’d win a settlement in your heart.
For the time being, just acknowledge being a loser, so to receive, the vacuum effect.
Also be a genuine heart to share, as a friend, never expect much to possess, you’ll be happy.
Blessings !
niki, I’ve sent you an email.
To everyone, thank you for your kindness. I’m taking everything you say to heart and trying to slow down my thoughts/feelings. I am so glad that I found this site, and glad that I took a chance and posted my thoughts.