Part One: Ancillae
I started Ancillae Assumpta Academy in 5th grade. I had visited the school earlier the previous march. Looking back on my visit day, It was a disaster. I didn’t know how to socially interact, and boy was that bad, on my visit day, I quickly established myself as a social reject. I tried to tell the kids what to do in the school yard, I yelled at people, I wasn’t compliant with the rules. Yea I royally screwed that one up.
Thus, going into 5thgrade, I didn’t start off with a very good reputation or lack thereof.  People shied away from me, they all hung out in their little groups. I always sat by myself at lunch, and at the time I didn’t really care. All I really cared about was my schoolwork and getting good grades. I didn’t care that I didn’t have any friends, cause frankly, I didn’t know what a friend was. In school, when we worked on group projects I tried to boss people around, but in the end got screwed and ended up doing all the work, sometimes not even getting credit for it when my group members erased my name off of the information and put theirs instead.  I didn’t like the kids at Ancillae, granted I loved the school, but none of my peers could understand me.Â
When I started 5th grade, I was one two different medications: Ritalin, under the form concerta, and welbutrin.   Ritalin was for my ADHD, and welbutrin for anger and rage control, at least that’s what I was told at the time. Although I was on these medications, they did nothing to solve my social problems. All throughout 5th grade, to counter my lack of social interaction, I immersed myself in schoolwork. But I still was tormented by the fact that I couldn’t make friends. It seemed like everyone else was happy: they went out on the weekends, they had fun on Fridays, everyone was happy. Except for me. There were nights when I was so sad I would go to my room and cry myself to sleep. Literally cry until I was exhausted. I just couldn’t get over the fact that I couldn’t make friends. Nothing I could think of would work. I just couldn’t do it. I was alone, afraid. I acted out often in angry rages, as well as name calling. At the time I figured, people did it to me, ill just throw it right back at them. They say grade school was supposed to be fun. Not the case with me.
Sixth grade started, and it was a repeat of 5th grade. Same problems, same issues. Nothing changed. The only thing that made me truly happy that entire year was my science fair project. I won first place, a spot I would keep for seventh, and eighth grade years.  The year went by, the hell continued. Yea I had some counseling, but it did no good. It didn’t solve the fact that I was constantly tormented by other kids because I was different.  I was blamed for everything bad that happened. One day I was pushed into the fire alarm. By the class bully. It got set off, and I was blamed for pulling it, and got in a ton of trouble. Nothing I tried could change the way I was. Nothing I could do could get people to like me. I also lied a lot. I lied about stuff I did, I made up crazy stories. The reason I did this was because I thought that, because I wasn’t accepted, I wasn’t good enough, so I had to make up stories to try and make myself look better. People told me I don’t need to make up stories, but I didn’t believe them. This story making continued throughout the rest of grade school and high school.
The time from 7th grade to the end of my sophomore year of high school I like to call the dark ages, but that doesn’t even describe that time in my life. When seventh grade started, I became depressed.  I started noticing my peers socially interacting more then I used to. They were having parties and such, and I wasn’t invited to any of them, unless the whole class was invited.  I would go to school and CYO dances, but no one would dance with me. I began to realize more and more than I had become “that kid†the social reject. Yeah I got decent grades, but I didn’t have the social element. What did my doctor do, increased my meds, and switched over my Ritalin to aderrall. This is where all the real trouble began. My depression then lessened, but I became nearly psychotic. I started having weird dreams, I was very irritable, and I started become detached from everyone else. Plus I would flip out at people for the littlest of problems. I became enveloped in my own little world, shut myself off from all the other kids. I didn’t care. They didn’t care about me, why should I care about them.  Suicide popped into my mind, and subsequently I tried it. Didn’t work though, a tie really doesn’t make a good rope. That’s when the depression really got bad. I started seeing my psychiatrist more often. It helped a little.  My adderall was stopped and Ritalin started again. my welbutrin was increased. It didn’t help:  the depression was always there. And looking back, I could see why I was depressed: I was the social reject, my grades were dropping, etc. One night I got drunk. I just went down to the kitchen and drank a whole bunch of alcohol. Beer, vodka, wine, whiskey. Yeah I drank it all. My parents were asleep during this. They found me the next morning passed out on the bathroom floor. I told them what happened, and I got grounded, although it was stupid, because, who was I going to hang out with anyway? My friends? At that time, the word “friend†was a joke. There are two points of irony I would like to point out. 1. My first word was happy, yet from my perspective there was nothing happy in my life, and 2. I live on friend’s lane, but had no friends. I just found that to be ironic. After 7th grade was over, I went into 8th grade. 8th grade got a little better. I applied to LaSalle College High School and got in. my VIP day, however, was one god awful screw up. I made a fool of myself and though I was still accepted to the school, I got my scholarship taken from me because of my bad behavior.Â
Part II: high school
After graduating from Ancillae, after a summer of relative calm and peace, away from all the torment, freshman year started. I thought that high school would give me a chance to start over, a chance to become a better person. That was the wrong assumption. It was grade school all over again. The social rejectiveness continued into freshman year because I continually acted like an idiot. Plus I was also nearly expelled because I threatened to shoot people 3 times. Not a good year. I was constantly picked on, and I constantly fought back. My grades were ok, but not all that good.  I knew something had to be done. Something to try and change me. That’s when I went to wediko
Summer going into sophomore year, I had a life changing experience. I and my parents were desperate for help to change my behavior and help me become a better person. They found it in New Hampshire, at a place called Wediko. Wediko is a camp, more like a residential treatment facility, for troubled kids. I more than qualified as a troubled kid, so I went. There I was still a bad kid in the beginning. It was towards the 5th week of being there that I actually changed. I became more likable I guess. I learned how to deal with people, I learned how to get along with people. It changed my life. I was a new person at least I thought I was, for about 3 months after august 18th (the day the camp ended) . And then all hell broke loose again.
Sophomore year started, and I was ready for a fresh start. But things didn’t go as planned. I went back to my old ways. And I suffered for it. The depression returned, the teasing intensified, and I really couldn’t deal with anything. I started fighting back even more, I continued my social rejectedness. Everyday was a struggle. The word “******†became a synonym for my name, as did “assholeâ€. And it got worse. I started with drugs and alcohol. I saw them as a way to escape the painful realities of life. I bought marijuana on a weekly basis, and smoked it at least 3 times a week. I drank too. But I didn’t drink with others. How could I? I never got invited to parties never had any friends to hang out with. So I drank alone, and sunk further and further into my own depressive world.  I started popping pills,  vicodin, percocet, whatever I could get my hands on My grades dramatically dropped, I started not caring.  I became withdrawn from the world, and I fought back a lot more when people would verbally assault me. I never told anyone what they were doing because I didn’t want to be labeled a “ratâ€. I had enough labels already, I didn’t need another one. I actually tried suicide again, taking the ipecac the moment after I swallowed the pills. I don’t know why I stopped myself. I think though I realized how many people I would hurt and how selfish of an act it would be.  Towards the end of the year things got better. I actually started to care about school. But my GPA was dramatically reduced in relationship to my capabilities.  It also didn’t help that I had a new psychiatrist the whole of sophomore year, one who didn’t believe in medications as pure solution. That didn’t help at all. That’s one of the reasons why I was in such a bad state sophomore year. It was a real bad time in my life. And I have never talked about it before, not even to my new psychiatrist(the one replacing the one from sophomore year). It was time for enlightenment.  And I needed it… BAD!
Sophomore going into junior year, I again went to camp once again. Same place, same time, same duration. But I was more into the program this time. I think it’s because I wanted to change. And the reason is because I wanted girls to like me. They never even notice me. Yea I had a couple of friends. Even they were not real friends. We never hung out, and although they said they would hang out, the never called me. No one would dance with me at dances, no one wanted to be my girlfriend. I was invited to NO formals, and NO dances. No one even bothered to give me a look. And another thing was my drug and alcohol issues. I didn’t talk about it at camp though. I thought the passive solution would be to go a period of time with out them in the hope that it would help me quit. It was sort of a “passive drug rehabâ€. And ill tell you one thing: 45 days without dope and beer will change anyone’s mind. And it changed mine. I started caring again. I saw how my behaviors negatively affected me, I learned then necessary tools to help me accomplish getting people to like me. And I figured junior year would be different. It was somewhat but not completely better.
Junior year started in September 2007. Everything started out fine. The year started out pretty good. Girls actually started noticing me. But this was bittersweet. The girls I would hang out with got me to buy them everything. They almost wiped out my savings. I was taken advantage of, and I didn’t even realize it. I was blinded by the fact that I was finally getting attention from girls. And then in March I met this really nice girl. She seemed to really like me. Our relationship started too quickly things moved too quickly. Some things went down, we had sex and almost got found out. I fell for her too quickly and it turns out all she wanted was a dick to please her with. I was really hurt by this it took me a while to get over it. And then came the junior prom. I took the wrong girl. She ended up running around taking pictures of everyone not even spending time with me. Basically it sucked. And then I was nice enough to take her to friendly’s after it. This I again was hurt by. I got over that and figured out a saying about it: dating is like fishing. You’re always trying to catch that special fish just like you’re always trying to find that one special girl. Well my prom date, she was catch and release.  After al this I became very wary of girls. I mean, the way I was treated by them doesn’t add up to the way I treat them. Even though. I actually ended the year on a good note. My GPA came up some and I didn’t feel like that big of a loser anymore because I got good grades
My senior year started out fine. I was dating a girl, I was getting good grades, life seemed pretty good, I still didn’t have many friends though. Before long however, my girlfriend started hanging out with other guys more than me. This I couldn’t take. So close to Christmas, I broke up with her. I was hurt by what she did. She said she loved me, it didn’t seem like it however. This I could not take, because I didn’t have many friends at the time. I started drinking again, by myself. I drank for about a week, and then I was introduced to a really really nice girl. We went out on a date with my friend and his at the time girlfriend, the one who set me and this other girl up. Our relationship couldn’t have been better. I was so happy. But I was still depressed because I didn’t have that many friend, and it seemed like my girlfriend was the only one who didn’t completely reject me, or even reject me a little. My girlfriend hated drinking, and I never told her I still drank behind her back. This was until I went on my schools spiritual themed retreat Kairos. though I cannot go into specifics about Kairos because its one of those things you have to go on to know what it is, what I can say is it changed my outlook on life. The guys I went on my Kairos retreat with I realized, were my friends. I bonded with these guys, and I learned that I don’t need alcohol or drugs to make myself feel better. The guys I went on Kairos with became my friends, my brothers. Through a lotta tears, alotta writing and talking, and a lot of self reflection, my life changed.  When I went back to school I had a new outlook on life. My relationship with my girlfriend became stronger, I realized I had friends, and I was finally happy.Â
My happiness lasted until that june, june 2009 when tragedy struck. In march, my girlfriend and I had sex because we knew we loved each other enough to do something like that. That continued on until june when her parents found out about our sexual behavior and they forced us apart. I havnt seen or talked to her since. This hit me hard. I really loved this girl. I knew everything about her, she knew everything about me. We were completely happy together. And then we were ripped from each other.  When that occurred I cried for three straight days. After 3 days I went and got a rope and a bottle of liquor. I made the noose hung it in my basement, and almost took a sip of the liquor when I thought of Kairos, and all that I learned. I realized I couldn’t commit suicide or drink. I remembered all the progress I had made since my drinking had stopped. I realized that before, I was an alcoholic, turning to alcohol to excape my problems, drinking alone. However, I said to myself, no more. So I cut up the noose, and poured the liquor down the drain. I started talking to my Kairos brothers about what happened, and I turned to my faith for strength.Â
fast forward 1 and a half years: its the beginning of my sophomore year of college. im getting good grades. but theres something missing. the love of others. my own parents dont love me like they used to. they scream at me for no reason, escalate arguements. they call me fat ugly and stupid and other things, none of which i am, but im starting to beleive i am. i still lament over the loss of my ex girlfriend. although ive let her go, the pain of not having someone is still there. i hate my life. my friends are pretty much abandoning me for their gf’s or attempts at getting gf’s, so im stuck alone most of the time. i dont have a gf, and i know its not everything to have one, but i feel more complete when i have one. idk if i want to live anymore, because no one really shows interest in me, family, friends, no one. i ve been told my mother to “dig a hole in the back yard curl up and die”…. i would move out, yet i have virtually no money. im in school, but if i move out, ill lose my funding from them to pay for it. and then ill have to stop school, school is one of my escapes from the harsh reality that im probably unlovable.  i feel lost, alone, afraid.. i feel trapped in a world i dont want to be in. i feel so unsafe and insecure. i need someone to love me, when no one else can.. and i have no one to do that. so i feel like giving up and dying. i dont see a point in my life, if im rejected by the world. i dont see a point in living if all i face is rejection. i need to get out of here. life that is.. ive started drinking again, heavily… it allows me to free my mind and get away from it all.. but its still not what i want to be doing.. i dont like drinking, yet i still do it. i want out of life…. either that or i want to find someone who will love me.
2 comments
Honestly, you sound like an awesome guy. The fact that you recognize all of that about your self shows a lot of wisdom and maturity. I know i am a stranger and words may not mean much, but know that based on what you’ve written i know your a great guy. A home can be a safe haven and a comfort from the storms of life, but i know all to well that it can be a terrible poison as well. I don’t want to be that guy that dispenses advice and such. I just wanted to let you know that all i could think while reading this was how great of a guy you sounded like. I dont know if you get that enough.
Despite what you’re feeling and keep saying over & over to yourself, know this: you are probably NOT alone in all of this.
Please take some minutes to do these things as to expand more perhaps of what’s *possible* in this life:
1. google “Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)”, and click the first “Free Self-Test” link and try to see if you’re fit into one.
2. google “free MBTI test”, and just click the first link. It’s my intuitive rough-guess that you’re probably fit/belong into the “INFP” Type which often also nicknamed “The Dreamer/Healer/Idealist”. in fact I would guess many people in this website probably are. INFP only amount to 2% of the world population, and this makes us seems to be “alone” in this damn cold world, misunderstood, etc.
Know that you’ll probably find “somewhere you belong” once you’ve found out that there are people like you, they exist, just unfortunately perhaps scattered all across the planet. But thanks internet for bringing like-minded individuals/people together, and keep supporting and be (or at the very least, *be a spark*) an inspiration to each other.
Perhaps BEing (stay true to yourself, and fulfill what your deepest small inner-voice kept saying to you) and CONNECTing is what still makes living & breathing worth it..despite all the obnoxiousness and mundanity of the majority.