Having been sexually abused as a child, I can safely say that I believe that all of my gender-related parts need to be surgically altered/completely removed. Knowing that I cannot pay for such surgery, my alternative, instead of suffering with that my entire life, seems to be suicide. That would be the one sure way to deal with it so that I did not have to feel anything about it anymore. Beyond that, my military combat experiences do not help my mental/emotional state or views of myself. As a matter of fact, a bullet in the brain sounds that much better because I never anticipated that I would actually survive the Desert. So now what?
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Childhood sexual abuse. Not out of curiosity, but because I would like to better-understand the issue to offer potentially useful viewpoints, I have a few questions. When you were abused as a child, was physical force used to keep you from escaping? Did you recognize it as abuse when you were younger or did you find out that it was considered abuse later on in your life?
Often when someone was sexually abused, especially in their childhood, they feel violated, yet they remember being wanted. And also, some of them recognize that they actually enjoyed it, if only to a minor degree. This doesn’t pertain to everyone ofcourse, but it’s something to think about.
@TomDavis. I think you should have skipped that part of your comment when you ask him if he actually enjoyed it. it sounds sick and inquisitive.
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as per the poster, no, you dont need to remove your gender related parts at all. I know it can be talked about. Whether that is causing you homosexual or transexual behaviour that can definitively be addressed and solved. As per the bullet, well if someone deserves it, it definitively it is not you, but your raper. So, you could blow his balls off. I dont mean his head, just his balls.
So your case is fully treatable. In fact, the therapist for homosexual problems was a homosexual himself who had also been abused just as you were. Read “Coming out straight” by Richard Cohen. And contact him if you are in the States. He finally married with a woman and has 3 children so far. So can you if you want.
O
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When the sexual abuse was going on, I was restrained physically and I knew that something was really wrong, really sick. The guy that did it was the Head Deacon of the church I went to and also a County Sheriff Deputy. Really messed my head up bad. And, if the guy was worth it, I would definitely castrate him by some horrific means that was extremely painful. But that would mean I would have to see the guy again. That is the catch. The guy’s family was a foster family on top of it all, so that means that he could have done this to many, many kids. Sick. Just outright sick. And that makes me feel sick, and of course I cannot let that show because guys just are not supposed to do that. Kind of stuck. Know what I mean? And I thank you for your replies. I guess maybe somebody out there might care, enough to write a reply, so…
well. but what are specifically the problems now that you feel you have related to those events? what are the causes doing now.
as per seeing the guys, i would not let them get away with it no fucking way.
Oracle, I know what you mean, but what I said still holds merit because it is very true. Some people, after thinking about it for years, realize that although they wish it had never happened, they kind of rather enjoyed the experience sexually, if only to a minor degree. I think that this point was necessary to bring up because although Geckojudo didn’t feel that way, it is still another aspect to think about when trying to assess how one should feel about that kind of experience. It just assists with an all-around view of it, that’s all. I’m a fan of multiple viewpoints.
Geckojudo, I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. I don’t know that revenge is something that you should feel obligated to do, though. I’m not saying that to excuse the offender or to try and save you from legal persecution. I’m saying that because I don’t think you want to have that on your mind. If you don’t feel like retaliating for whatever reason, don’t feel obligated to. As you said, that would mean seeing him again and subjecting yourself to intensifying your memories. Do what you feel you need to do, and I believe that you’re doing the right thing by sharing your story on here.
Revenge would require me sinking to the level that the sex abuser is at, and I have become rather set on not becoming that guy. Do I have wonderful thoughts about doing my abuser harm? Of course I do. But the difference between me and him is that I do not act on the intensity of my emotional urges. He cannot control himself and does not see the need to. I am proud to say that, so far, I have been able to control myself somewhat, at least. Criminally, the due date for charges has long since passed, but I could still sue him for damages, although those would be hard to assess, especially in a civil court.
As for problems it has caused, the most extreme is the suicidal rage. At myself. Because I believe that I should have been able to do more to stop it or that I did something to deserve it or something. It is not rational, and that is the problem. I have ended up being some wierd mix of sexual feelings (sexual frustration resulting), and it makes it hard to relate to anyone, thus furthering the overwhelming sense that I must die immediately, one way or another, just to make the pain stop. And then that makes me isolate even more, because it is much less complicated to contemplate suicide and acquire the proper means if you are not attached or accountable to anybody. Makes it much easier to make peace that way. I have also been through so many denominations of Christian churches and other world religions that they all run together anymore, and some of those experiences were very damaging in and of themselves. The whole thing craters in my distrust of everybody as a result goes into an exhausting fight with myself to defend myself as others look on with confusion. But why defend myself? Why not just die now and take care of the whole thing? Some little part of me wants to see how the story ends, though. That is the most baffling thing to me because it would involve much more pain, and I am at the end of my rope with the pain, almost literally! I have managed to get married to my best friend, though, and we talk even though neither one of us knows exactly what to DO about the issues. And I do still believe that there is a God and that He can do miraculous things. At the moment, I am rather at peace with that – I think that I must significantly differ from God in the timing of such events, though. You never know when or if or how God will act…which is hard to deal with when all you want to do is kill yourself. So that is me. Rather morbid rant that was, but I feel a little better, now. Thanks, guys.
Well, as you write that you are married now, then the “not being attached to anyone” does not apply.
I have read your posting twice to try to get the meaning. When you say that mistrust everybody, at what level ? so far, the most intimate level of communication would be that with your wife and you already have one with whom you talk. The rest would be workmates and friends and acquaintances and the level of risk in there should be very low or null.
About sexual frustration, it is not very clear to me, what exactly that means but in any case, as if sex were the core of a person’s life. I dont think that should a play a role in feeling suicidal. Besides, that can change anytime in life. I havent seen a woman since the end of the first golf war back in the 80s and I still have hopes that in the next 10 years or so, I will find one.
As per “i should have done something to avoid it etc” that is nonsense. Dont argue the point, dont come back to that it is a closed issue. It is a no and that is it, when you were a child or even a youngster one does not have the strength of personality to say no, so definitively forget about it radically.
I also had a friend, a girl that I met when on the internet when she was 16. We were from close cities, so we arranged an informal walk through town. With time she related to me that she had been sexually abused by her mother when she was 8. But not just once, throughout the years in the bathtub. The mother would also involve the older sister etc. The result of this is that at the age of 16 she was drinking a lot, dressed like a punk, dyed her hair lila, had a spikes collar round her neck, engaged into some lesbian sex while she was a minor with a 30 year old woman who took advantage of that too and had pierced her body up the nipples. That piercing is, of course, a way to inflict harm to herself, as a punishment so as to muffle the pain. And she lingered like that for a couple of years more, dropped her studies, etc. Finally she started visiting a woman therapist. I dont know if she had told her about the sexual abuses, but she started getting better very little by little. She first let her real hair grow its natural color, then removed the collar, then she started to dress a bit more femenine, then she started taking some classes, then she removed just one piercing, (she told me that she needed time before she could remove them all! isnt it meaningful?) then she put a bit of make up on her, then she joined an education in computer science, then she found a boyfriend. He is 2 meters 05 cms and she is 159 cms, so I dont know about the sexual frustration in there, never asked. Then she dressed fully femenine, started to drink water, gained weight, her skin took a nice tone of hydration, finished her studies, and well now she is 24. She will marry some day.
I have been a friend of hers since I we met remained as just friends because it was very clear to me that the last thing she would need was more troubles of the same sort. As a listener and bywalker I dd my role.
O
I have been there and it’s hard. I blocked it out for a long time until i was forced to deal with it. It was just time and i didnt deal with it the right way at first. It’s not something you ever get over but i love who i am because of it. Just be strong. My high school friend ( not a close aquaintance) did suicide two days ago. I was surprised at how much it hurt me, let alone her family. I am not saying its selfish but it’s definately not worth it. Her mother is currently on suicide watch and so many people are mourning her and wondering why… I cried when i heard and many of my friends will not get over it. She was an amazing bright well loved person and in one stupid moment she made a decision to die by suicide. . . It hurts.. that’s why i am on the this site. I dont know how i feel and it hurts.
The very difficult thing sexually is that I am bisexual and I have a gender identity disorder. Those two combined make it very difficult to deal with life because you never know what you are going to respond to or how you are going to feel…just like when I was abused. My wife is very understanding, but I get frustrated with myself for not being able to figure all of this stuff out and I think that she might be better off without me. That does not sound very rational, but that is how I feel. I was in the psych ward a week ago for suicidal ideation (ie. wanting to kill myself, having a plan, having the means, not thinking clearly, and not being able to guarantee my safety with my own self). There has got to be some part of me that wants to live, though, because I have not killed myself yet?