I recently realized that I was depressed from a very early age. Probably from around the age of 5. I used to watch my dad beat my mom. Finally she left him. I was the youngest of six so after the seperation I was raised by my sister and was basically neglected by both of my parents since my dad was never around. In Junior High was the first time I tried to commit suicide. I just took a bunch of OTC pills and made myself very sick for a few days. Then I started to cut and burn myself with lighters and act out by skipping school. My mom never paid much attention to me. Now I am 30 and I am trying very hard to help myself get better. I am on a various assortment of medications but I am really feeling miserible lately. I am feeling extremely sad, crying alot, sleeping alot, and having bouts of anger. Alot of the time I feel as though if I didn’t have kids there would be no point at all for me to be here. I am just so confused about everything right now. I need help.
1 comment
Dear Sanders:
Before we get into details, may I ask are you in at least a place where you are safe? And your children? I sincerely hope that you and yours are safe, clean, and not hungry. You are a young woman. You mentioned that your children are your only motivation for living.
Sweetheart, I feel your pain, anger and rage. But this message is not about me; it’s about my empathy for you. Do they love you? I have no doubt that they do. Your love for them is a responsibility that you can not break. I have a child, too, whom I promised to protect and care for. He’s the only reason I haven’t taken a dive off of a freeway overpass (I’m still in trouble myself that way).
I have much experience with things that were supposed to kill me and didn’t (when I was a teenager also). My parents wouldn’t even take me to the hospital after several suicide attempts at home because my father didn’t want anyone asking questions. He was willing to let me die rather than allowing me to talk to anyone because if I had he would have gone to prison. My piece of shit for a mother knew everything and did NOTHING to protect me from his perversions. Not to mention the drama about my brother, but I’m not going there now. Boy, that’s a cable mini-series in itself. Anger and rage must be vented or they will destroy you. I’ve lost relationships and jobs because of unresolved rage. Sounds stupid, but what worked for me for many years was weight training. Pushing weights took the place of smashing skulls.
Counselors will tell you anything that keeps you coming back (that’s how they get paid). I’m not a counselor, but please talk to me. I have issues also; we can help each other, maybe? You’re not alone. Hope to hear from you soon.