I NEED TO BE DEAD SOON!!! Sorry for shouting, but that’s desperation for you. There is no other way out. I am disabled and everything is going downhill FAST. It’s not a terminal illness, but I can barely walk, I can do very few things for myself, I keep getting serious infections and landingÂ in the hospital, and doctors have told me that all my problems are now irreversible. I have literally not been out of my apartment in 3 years, except when I’ve been hauled off in an ambulance.
The visiting nurses and others believe that I can’t live on my own much longer. For me being in a nursing home or whatever is literally 100% a FATE WORSE THAN DEATH.
I have a few friends (no one has much time to help me with what I need), no family except my cats, who are the only thing that has kept me going so far. It’s really, really time for me to get out, before things get any worse. Yes, I am depressed, have been so most of my life (and yes, I’m on medications and seeing a therapist), but there is just no way to cope with this FAST physical deterioration. I have zero quality of life – nothing matters except the cats, and everybody loves them so I know they’ll be taken care of.
I’ve always known I wanted to be responsible for my own death, whether it’s in 3 weeks or 15 years, but I’ve never before had a plan. Now I sort of do, and I need to try to implement it while I still have an IV line in my arm (which may be coming out soon). I’m assuming that anything liquefied and injected would be more effective than just taking pills – anyone know? Anyway, my worst fear is that I will NEVER have the guts to do anything. I just can’t imagine it. I guess that means I’m not 100% sure, and if I didn’t know FOR SURE that I’d continue the frequent hospitalizations until I end up in some facility, I might keep trying to cope, but I know those things are inevitable, and sooner rather than later. I’m tired of pain, I’m tired of incontinence, I’m tired of not being able to sleep (all those in spite of being on lots of medications). I NEED TO DO THIS! But how do I actually make myself go through with it?