i have struggled with serious depression since I was about 14. I am now 22, and in the 8 years that this has been an issue for me, i have had probably a year and a half total time when I wasn’t honestly thinking about killing myself. I have had the suicide note written and the method laid out before so many times that I have lost count. but I always cop out right at the end. i have never officially attempted suicide, but I cut and I drink and i smoke and I do anything else that might, maybe, take a little bit of the edge off. None of it works for long and here I am again in a wicked deep depression. I can’t tell anyone because I can’t stand the thought of worrying my family and friends. And I do have family and friends. And those people care about me. Some members of my family not so much. I grew up in an abusive situation thanks to my step father. He was emotionally and physically abusive and I learned to just shut up and take whatever he threw at me so that the punishment was as light as possible. I was sexually abused by and uncle and raped by a man in my freshman year of college. i never knew my biological father because he is a heroin addict and he’s been in jail for most of my life. i keep holding out hope that my life will get better, but I haven’t managed to get a break from major life catastrophes for more than 9 months. Ever. In my life. Whether the catastrophe is a death, abuse, the loss of someone I love because they have rejected me… something like that. And it’s been 22 years! at least one horrible thing happens to me once a year and I really can’t take it any more. I have a friend who lets me talk to her about all of the stuff that I am feeling, but she is getting warn down and I really don’t want to hurt her. the song “Hate Me” by Blue October is a perfect summation of my feelings for this friend. And then I feel guilty for the pain I cause her. And if I did kill myself, I would leave behind a mother that has done everything she could for me, and a 4 year old brother that I love with all my heart. but some days (and those days are more and more frequent lately) that is not enough to keep me from these thoughts. I know that the advice that I am going to get here is to go check myself in to a hospital or something, but the shame and guilt of doing that and of facing my family and friends if I did that would just make me feel worse. I have tried meds, I have tried therapy… none of it makes a dent in the pain that I feel. There is no other option for ending it. But I just can’t do it. Because I love the people around me too much. but if I am living my life for the people around me, is it really my life?
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I don’t have much advice to offer, as I am in a similar situation. in fact it was so similar that I felt I should post. I have been struggling with depression for 14 years. however I feel your situation is much worse in comparison. I have not had to deal with abuse and my family dynamics while not ideal – are not a big problem. however I can relate to almost everything your saying. for example you have friends and family that care about you and as time passes your depression and suicidal thoughts become more meaningful and your friends and family become less and less meaningful since as you have said, you can’t live for just your friends and family. you have to live for YOURSELF.
i’m not sure what I should do either but I posted in hopes that at least you won’t feel like your the only person feeling the way you feel. I have also tried counseling. In my case, I came to a realization… Counseling can only help you if your willing to help yourself… and i’m not so sure I want to live or not yet.
I am also living for other people at the moment. however as more and more time passes I know that it is not enough. I will not be satisfied living for the sake of others but being completely miserable myself. It just will not work.
Hello,
I’m 35, and I’ve been going through the same things since I was 14 too. I also have a note, and, well let’s just say I can relate to not being able to escape some sort of tragedy that’s out of my hands every 6 to 9 months. I don’t have any real answers except to tell you that you should talk to your family. You know that killing yourself will hurt them more than anything else you could throw at them. I slowly talked to certain family members and they surprised me with their love and support. It sounds like your family loves you, If you’re worried about hurting them, it leads me to believe they are people who would be concerned for you. This might be hard to believe but admitting you need the help is the biggest sign of courage, and if you were my cousin or nephew I’d be proud as hell you could muster up the strength to ask for help. I’m my darkest days I tell my self suicide is not selfish, it’s selfish for people expect you to hang on just for them, but that’s just your depression talking, not you. When I’m not so low I realize how selfish that sounds. Your little brother’s life would be ruined, possibly the relationship between him and your mother. So much damage is done by suicide. You would be putting the same illness you’re running from on them. Yes, It is your life, but you’re part of their lives, and it’s all connected. You have to find the source of your unhappiness and confront it. then change it or remove it from your life. I know that sounds easier to type than do, but I’ve done it, and I am still doing it. little by little. It’s been a struggle but there have been such happy times along the way. The more of those times you experience the better it gets. Ive also been in therapy and on every med you can think of. What works best for me is meditation. I know it may sound hokey, but breathing deeply while clearing your mind of your problems is such a great exercise, it’s difficult to do, so it gives you something to work on, and when you finally get there, it’s like a cup of coffee for the soul. Good luck. You’re not alone.
im really not the person that should be trying to help i dont think becuase the stuff thats happened in my life is mostlikly minor compared to most of the people writing here i come to this site every now and again trying in some little way to help people talk to them give them words that will help them want to live i also know that most people that think about trying sucide do not beliven GOD what im trying to say is you have people that love you prob a boy freind/girlfreind that loves you whats in the past is in the past there is nothing on this earth that can let you go back in time and change the bad things that have happend what you need to think about is now whats happening now and what can you do to make you feel better how can you make your self happy stop having dark thoughts death is not the answer becuase death does not bring happness it brings pain greif sarrow find a reason to keep living and cling to it as if it is a rope that if it were to break you would fall
i beg that a few minutes of my time and a few words have helped you in some way
~word
p.s live please for all the people that come to this site live