These past few days something has happened to me, I will try to describe it. I want to put this out on this site because I have been visiting this site for 3 months and it just might be interesting to others on here.
I decided to commit suicide 6 months ago. I wont bother going into my back story, it’s pretty much all been covered in various other posts on here.
Six months ago I planned my suicide for sometime very soon. Each week that went by I went through various emotions; crying, angry, feeling very lonely, excited and more. But each day I would ask myself Â ‘is it today? can I do this today?’ Â I felt emotional about it – not always scared, just emotional, and I would end up seeking comfort in a cup of tea, or watching TV under a blanket or something similar, and put it off until the next day. But then the next day, I would have to go out for milk and groceries or something like that and by the time everything was done, I felt too tired to do it, or again, would rather Â just have had a cup of tea or a snuggle on the sofa.
I knew that I wouldÂ do it eventually, because I have got to this stage after many years of exploring the meaning of my life, experiencing many confusions, upsets, depressions etc, but each day, it seemed that I made excuses for putting it off a little longer. I assumed that one day I would haveÂ to do it because due to the fact that I planned to do it 6 months ago, my life was not organized for me to be alive. So I resigned myself to the fact that one day soon, I would have to have a veryÂ emotional, difficult and scary day to get to the end that I want.Â
But then out of the blue, these past few days, I have felt a wonderful sense of peace come over me. I purposely think about doing that very final act, and I feel little butterflies in my stomach, but nice ones; not excited ones as such, it’s more a lovely delicate feeling of calm and joy. I even have taken my thoughts back to were I envisage doing that very final second thing, and I feel NO fear whatsoever, whereas before I would feel sick and queasy.
My final day is tomorrow, I will be gone from this world by lunch time. Before when I thought of this day I would feel lightheaded and dreadful, I thought about what music I would play and what I would wear, and if I should say a prayer and so on. But now, I just knowÂ that I will get up, have my cup of tea, wash the pots, take a shower, get dressed, sit down and without thinking for a second longer, I will turn out the light. No more fear, no more depression, no more sofa, no more TV, no more internet, no more suicide stories, no more tea, no more blanket, no more showers, no more awful feelings, no more noise pollution, no more supermarket, no more job, no more rent, no more bills, no more phone calls, no more washing my hair and no more body maintenance. I will miss the music though 🙂