i cannot deal with it. i try all the time to be this strong, careless individual, i like people to think that i am so self confident that nothing can bring me down, but in turn, people feel like no matter how mean they are to me, it wont hurt me. but it does. it aches. and the vague humour that used to exist has vanished and now im just finding there is no one i can turn to. someone told me the today that my birthday was coming up in a few days and i almost fell to the ground and cried. not about the fact that i forgot my own birthday, no. about the fact that i have to face a whole day were people will be watching me, and expecting me to be happy, and i cant do that. because im not happy. and im sick of pretending i am. im too weak to ever kill myself… but if i was in a fire, or a car crash, or something of the fashion, in the next few days, that would be the best birthday present i could ever recieve.
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Something that helps me is writing down all of my feelings. I reread them and figure out whats wrong with me or whats going on in my life that shouldn’t be. Trust me your not alone i feel the same way. I use to act like i was strong but one day i was honest with my friends and told them that i thought about suicide. People never thought i would be that way im always happy, nice and i have alot of friends but im just not happy. Just keep strong i admire that. But no ones perfect or happy all the time its ok to admit it. Find someone you can talk to.
awkwardly, i do that. i write so much shit, then i re-read it the next week, or the next day, or even the next hour, and i think the me that wrote that shit is retarded! theres plently of people i could talk to, i just wont, because i dont want people to think/know that im this depressed unhappy person, because im sure that then i would not be the friend they wanted and they would soon after ditch me.. plus, especially recently, i just cant trust anyone. GRRRRR i hate my life, and i over exaggerate everything everything, so my life probably isnt even that bad ..
Please, read my posts. Maybe I can my story can help…
i dont know how to find them?
If you’re too afraid of something to do it then try pretending like you’re doing it daily. The more you imagine or act out doing something the more used to it you become and then eventually it’s not nearly as much of a big deal anymore.
you mean pretend im happy? i do do it.. all the time, but birthdays are just overrated and make me want to shhoot myself in the head