I want these bad feelings to go away

September 29th, 2010by Farmkat

I’m a 22 year old woman from California. I’m in college as a full time student and I work part time. Currently I live at home with my parents.

I was diagnosed with severe depression way back in junior high when I was fourteen, which is when I first started having suicidal thoughts. I’ve struggled with my depression with various amounts of success, although right now I’m not doing too well at all.

I am stressed out by my school work, and how I don’t have enough time for it. My job takes  a lot of time, but I need it so I can save up when I transfer to State. I am being overwhelmed, and I feel like a failure. Staying on top of everything is very hard, and I don’t want to let my family down.

I also have ADD (not ADHD) which complicates things. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, which I am  paranoid about at the moment. Anyways, that makes it hard for me to keep track of assignments, paying attention to homework, and remembering things. So when I make mistakes, forget something, mess up, it really bothers me. I am trying my hardest to do my best yet I still get things wrong.

I want so much to do well, without having to struggle just to get by. I am very hard on myself, and oversensitive to my flaws I suppose. On top of my general feelings of sadness, I have to cope with my frustration with school and work. I feel so inadequate, and I hate myself for that. I am sick of messing up, of getting things wrong, of letting people down. My thoughts may be irrational, but I can’t help the way I feel. It hurts so much that I want to end my life. This constant feeling of pain is terrible and I can’t escape it.

I will visit a therapist this Friday, and let me tell you that Friday can’t come soon enough. : (

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