Two years ago I planned to kill myself, I had many deep reasons for wanting to do this. On the day I did it, something, only a tiny something went wrong and it stopped me for a few minutes, but during those few minutes something came over me, like a kind of light and peaceful feeling. I’m not religious so this is not one of ‘those’ posts (far from it!). I’ve always been a ‘fighter’ and overcome many tough times, and I truly believed that this time was the biggest of them all.
I didn’t kill myself and I went off to tackle yet more obstacles in my life and fought hard to piece my life back together. I got a new job, not a great job, but it was okay and I met a couple of new friends. It was tough but I felt good about life again. But now, I’m back here again and this time it’s even worse. Now I know that actually all that effort wasn’t worth it. How could it be worth it if I’m back here wanting to die again? I may as well have just gone ahead 2 years ago.Â
My problem is I love life itself, it’s just the monotony and grind of daily society life that kills me. I’m fine if I could just stop and step off the carousel for a while, but that’s not permitted. I just can’t do it anymore. Why the hell would anyone sane want to? What’s so sane about all this hard work and rules? Maybe I’m the only sane one in an insane world?Â
I feel like such a dick, there I was going around for 2 years thinking I had overcome a serious suicide episode and that I had ‘seen the light’ and remembered how good life can be. When looking back now, all I did was play the game for a further 2 years. I learned nothing of any worth from it (except that it means nothing and I still want to die) nothing actually changed. Here I am again planning another suicide. My whole life has basically sucked.
6 comments
I think when someone has seriously considered or tried suicide before, they usually end up back there again. I don’t know why. Maybe the idea of no longer existing in this world is just too appealing for it to ever really go away.
I agree, I don’t think suicidal feelings (when they are serious – not just fleeting) never really go away, it’s just too appealing to know that if you could only find the courage that one time, you would cease to exist.
No, hang on. I think you need to stop and take check here. Ask your self a few things. what do you really want to do? with work or play. I know where you are at and its not nice but when you find your feet and build off that you will realise that suicide is not even an option. I was in that deap end rut, a job, a nagging unappreciative partner, not able to ga anywhere or do anything. due to things that have happened to me, i quit my job and set up my own business. financially i am stressed but now see a light in the distance. also took my surfing to another level. i always wanted to be able to go to the beach when i want sleep in the van if need be. i am now doing this and the onlything i am missing is the partner. but tha wasnt going to last anyway.
now most of what i am doing is what i want to do. i am starting to smile again although seeing my ex happy after what i feel she has put me through still hurts.
You need to stay positive, find your goal and fight for it, you will be surprised how straight forward life can be.
steveg: that is so fucking insulting mate. Not everyone wants to go surfing and sleeping in a van. Doesn’t this guy actually say that he DID ‘find his feet’ and yet he’s still suicidal? Isn’t that the point of his post? Your response is just a way to talk about you! Get over yourself!
Yeah I bet this guy (music), throughout his entire life, and even when confronted with suicide, has never taken the time to “Ask himself a few things. what do you really want to do?”
It’s a good job you brought that up now steve or else he never would have thought of it.
My life since I was eleven or twelve has been like this. I vary between suicide attempts and feeling optimistic. However, when I am doing okay and something no matter how trivial threatens my happiness I fall back into suicidalness. My optimism is fragile.
Lately I’ve been lonely and feeling isolated in this state. I made a post about it and shit. If you want to talk about your life, or whatever feel free