Two years ago I planned to kill myself, I had many deep reasons for wanting to do this. On the day I did it, something, only a tiny something went wrong and it stopped me for a few minutes, but during those few minutes something came over me, like a kind of light and peaceful feeling. I’m not religious so this is not one of ‘those’ posts (far from it!). I’ve always been a ‘fighter’ and overcome many tough times, and I truly believed that this time was the biggest of them all.
I didn’t kill myself and I went off to tackle yet more obstacles in my life and fought hard to piece my life back together. I got a new job, not a great job, but it was okay and I met a couple of new friends. It was tough but I felt good about life again. But now, I’m back here again and this time it’s even worse. Now I knowÂ that actually all that effort wasn’t worth it. How could it be worth it if I’m back here wanting to die again? I may as well have just gone ahead 2 years ago.Â
My problem is I love life itself, it’s just the monotony and grind of daily society life that kills me. I’m fine if I could just stop and step off the carousel for a while, but that’s not permitted. I just can’t do it anymore. Why the hell would anyone sane want to? What’s so sane about all this hard work and rules? Maybe I’m the only sane one in an insane world?Â
I feel like such a dick, there I was going around for 2 years thinking I had overcome a serious suicide episode and that I had ‘seen the light’ and remembered how good life can be. When looking back now, all I did was play the game for a further 2 years. I learned nothing of any worth from it (except that it means nothing and I still want to die) nothing actuallyÂ changed. Here I am again planning another suicide. My whole life has basically sucked.