It has been a miserable 40 years, I do not want to sound like I am whining, but it really has.
There has been the normal bad things in my life like everyone else death, teenage angst, job, fighting, family and friends etc that emphasizes the feelings of wanting to die, but even when happy, the thoughts of suicide are still there.
All my life I have tried everything to hold onto that little voice telling me that everything would get better. It has not.
Good days or bad I still have feelings of ending it all. I have read that everyone has feelings of suicide at one point of their lives, it is not true for me, I have had the feelings all my life, never ending always there.
They say to talk to your family and friends, but all I ever heard from the family and friends around me is how selfish and stupid it is for someone to willingly take there own life, and it rips me up inside. I have a brother who outright called people who think to commit suicide mental retards that need to be locked up and kept away from normal people.
I will never talk to anyone of my friends or family because of their beliefs, and the thought of them finding out I am suicidal scares the hell out of me. I do not want to be labeled a freak.
I just cannot see it getting better, no amount of money, no therapy, no change of living style or location will help, I have tried it all, you cannot escape from thoughts in your head.
I just have a few loose ends to tie up andÂ have beenÂ actively searching for an easy out, it scares me because we are still human and it is natural we fight for life, I just do not want to suffer needlessly.
If there is a suffering animal, we put it down to spare it any more pain why canâ€™t we show the same compassion to our fellow human beings.