It has been a miserable 40 years, I do not want to sound like I am whining, but it really has.
There has been the normal bad things in my life like everyone else death, teenage angst, job, fighting, family and friends etc that emphasizes the feelings of wanting to die, but even when happy, the thoughts of suicide are still there.
All my life I have tried everything to hold onto that little voice telling me that everything would get better. It has not.
Good days or bad I still have feelings of ending it all. I have read that everyone has feelings of suicide at one point of their lives, it is not true for me, I have had the feelings all my life, never ending always there.
They say to talk to your family and friends, but all I ever heard from the family and friends around me is how selfish and stupid it is for someone to willingly take there own life, and it rips me up inside. I have a brother who outright called people who think to commit suicide mental retards that need to be locked up and kept away from normal people.
I will never talk to anyone of my friends or family because of their beliefs, and the thought of them finding out I am suicidal scares the hell out of me. I do not want to be labeled a freak.
I just cannot see it getting better, no amount of money, no therapy, no change of living style or location will help, I have tried it all, you cannot escape from thoughts in your head.
I just have a few loose ends to tie up and have been actively searching for an easy out, it scares me because we are still human and it is natural we fight for life, I just do not want to suffer needlessly.
If there is a suffering animal, we put it down to spare it any more pain why can’t we show the same compassion to our fellow human beings.
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another kind of plane.. . on a different kind of plane.a plane that doesnt need its usual credentials.its 4am and im still c ing jack nicolsons joker smile.what is that line-u know the one….the black and white tap dancing shoes continue ,oh the buzzing sensations continue-listening 2 underworld and everything makes sense.you know when its time ,the airport cant cancel my flight,my sweetheart who is so beautiful inside …i think so much about you.eternity i hope.i need this holiday so much.oh,jim,oh paula,oh marc,oh marilyn,michael,britt,anna-n… i cant w8….i dont want this ticket 2b cancelled-its 2 comfortable,its a 1st class flight.
Hi iitywygmah,
Your post reminds me of something I often think about. I’m 28 and like you I’ve lived with suicidal thoughts all my life. And the longer I put it off I wonder am I going to be 40, 50, or 60 and things still won’t have gotten better? Like maybe I should forget all this “hope” for my future and take advantage of ending it all now. Save myself another 30 or so years of mental anguish.
If you’ve been miserable 40 years and not killed yourself, that is YOU being stupid.
Alluvion I’m a bit suprised by that post, yo usually have something much more constructive to say?
What am I supposed to say to cowards finally starting to grow a pair?
Yes, I guess I have been stupid, but growing up I to fell for all the propaganda that suicide is selfish, that I must have a mental disorder, give it time things will get better, this is a temporary problem, the years of my church telling me that I will go to hell, and my mom. She is the one I feel closest to in my whole family that I even ignored her comments through the years of people who are suicidal.
I also gave myself that time limit, for it to get better, and that time is up. It is just a hard thing to accept that I do not and never will see life as everyone else.
You can never fully feel alive until you can say no to life. Only then can you truly choose to start living; It’s just unfortunate it took you 40 years.
Thank you alluvion, I visited my parents tonight for my fathers gun and yes after 40 years I really do need to say no to life.
goodby and thank you all for the incuragement and strenth.
Tina
Hold on, in this instance alluvion said to start living once you say not to life, not necessarily ending it???
Goodbye Tina, soon you’ll be home. 🙂