I’ve been out of the hospital for 8 weeks, doctors and family say I’m doing good. I’m not. I just stopped telling everyone the truth because it was pointless.
I tried to hang myself and I would have been successful (I was unconscious) but my sister randomly came over. My whole family were devastated and being found has been the worst possible thing that could have happened to me. it’s all about the other people and less about you, no-one really wants to know what’s up because if you tell them the truth they just tell you you’re wrong. Like, my truth is that living is okay, I can do that, I’m happy to do that, I just don’t want to have to ‘fit in’, I don’t want to have to do all the things that are expected of me. Sorry, I know that’s selfish and boring, but I’m happier if I’m just on my own in my own little world. My ‘illness’ only flares up when I’m forced to do stuff.  Being found and being in hospital has proven to me that no-one feels like I do, and that no-one can ‘help’ me.Â
At the moment, I have no good length of time alone to kill myself, I need a couple of days without someone coming over to check on me. But I am planning it and this time I will be successful. I don’t care about the upset that it will cause anyone because now I know that they just want me to stay alive even though I hate it, just to please them. Â I want society to know that it is IT that is killing me, not me, I would be fine if I could just be left alone to live my life.
19 comments
You should be proud of yourself for being so brave. Believing in yourself enough to make the jump takes incredible strength. If only everyone in the world were as strong as you, it would be a wonderful place; But sadly, people sell out each other and their very souls out of fear. They think that this reality is all that there is, and forget their true divinity.
Sometimes I do wonder if the ‘System’ is just WAY too strong for any of us here to ‘bend’, or to NOT work under it..
What if you don’t care what ur parents, society think, just do what u really want to do?
What if you just move out to a more peaceful remote village, if you *really* want some Peace?
What if you just simply choose a lesser-paid job, don’t have to join the ‘corporate’ rat-race. Like: teach students, use your sensitivity/peace senses for good, etc?
What if you just…Be yourself,
and let those genuine people ‘see’ the REAL you, and got genuinely inspired, because “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”
What if we just try those alternative options of ‘living’ first,..and see what comes out from it (it might surprises you), before choosing the Ultimate alternative, that is, Death ?
Niki: I think society is the people and the people re the society. Your suggestions are coming from yet another place that doesn’t understand me.
Alluvion: Thank you, I am so shocked by your response, for the first time in my life someone has actually spoken to my soul rather than just my computer. Can I ask you a question; how do you live well?
Nothing on this planet seems worth pursuing, I know. Working a job you hate for money to buy more material goods? No thanks. People are uncaring and cannot see past their own trivial lives to what’s truly important. You need only read a few of the posts on this forums to see examples of it; And that is why I have to be ‘stern’ in many of my replies. This world seems like such a cold and lonely place. I’ve read a lot about Starseed souls and the indigo children phenomenon which I believe I am a part of, and you very well might be as well. It might be worth Goggling it and deciding for yourself. You might think it hogwash, but honestly it’s the only thing that gives me reason to endure this prison of flesh a little longer. I’ve endured agonizing emotional pain nearly my entire life, but relatively recently, I began to feel a sense of happiness inside. And it’s not from any medication I assure you, as I don’t believe in the stuff. Why should I deny what I’m truly feeling to be a zombie? So how can I experience happiness in this shithole world, you ask?
The only way I can explain it, is the pain I experienced my entire life was from the disconnection from people while trying desperately to form a connection. The feeling that I couldn’t ever fully connect with others in any way that was meaningful to me, even if I was one of their ‘good’ friends. Instead, like a machine I would spit out the responses they wanted to hear. Only after I finally snapped, did I fully emotionally disconnect from everything and everyone; Only then when I truly felt I could walk out of life at any time, without any fear of regret, did I finally feel a sense of relief and dare I even say, empowerment. By accepting the fact that these are not my people here, and this planet is not my home, I am able to endure this place a bit longer; And the possibility I can help others who might also be hiding their emotional turmoil of alienation inside allows me to trick myself into thinking I might have some sort of purpose here.
Part of achieving this form of inner peace (if you even want to call it that) is understanding what awaits us on the other side, this is a free will universe and there is no punishment in the afterlife, only whatever punishment we set for ourselves. Once on the other side, you will be amazed at how quick and beautiful your ethereal body is and once your spirit guides retrieve you from the Earth to be reunited with your soul group once again, you will bask in your own awesomeness and unconditional love of everyone around you; As the veil of amnesia you were born with is wiped away, you will burst with pride at your many incredible accomplishments that you achieved on the Earth, as well as in countless other lives and on different planes of existence. You’ll even be with the souls of the people you left behind on the Earth as ‘time’ is only a limitation of the human 3D experience. You’ll laugh in absolute joy as you remember just how good existing truly is, and rejoice that the trivial trials of the Earth are over! On the extremely slight chance you are disappointed in yourself for not holding on longer on the Earth plane, you’ll quickly forget as you remember how brave you were for incarnating in the first place, as you begin your million year party-vacation with your truest spiritual family, fulfilling your wildest dreams in the most fantastic places and dimensions possible, knowing you aren’t forced down any ‘path’ to ascend and that you aren’t forced to enduring any lifetime to ‘ascend’. You are here with the forehand knowledge that this would be an extremely difficult incarnation; But, like the carnival daredevils, you have your safety net always under you, ready to catch you and take you back home to the light, your home of pure joy, abundance and eternal love.
Incognito:
I admire your courage. Some years ago, my sister also “showed up” while I was digging to open an artery and screwed everything up for me also. You’re absolutely right, all those people blathering at you are doing it for themselves; they are uncomfortable around you and do not like their happy, shiny, lying, phoney, perfect, stylish, cool and hip lives sidetracked by listening to you. You’re right not to bother explaining anything to the medical profession. Meanwhile, they and the hospital are earning big bucks for pretending like they give a damn, which they don’t.
Alluvion’s message is beautifully written and spot-on; at some point we’ll all meet on the other side. Best of luck to you.
Thanks guys, these messages are beautiful, I’m pretty speechless
Alluvion: Do you mind me asking; what you have wrote here is beautiful, but what makes me feel suspicious about it is, if you truly believe this yourself, why would you choose life over death? From reading what you have wrote, I don’t think I could really buy any reason you could give for continuing to live.
Because we come here to learn hard lessons and try our best to make a difference. We learn the most important lessons when we are at our breaking points. By experiencing suffering, we gain compassion for the sufferer.
That is why you will be “bursting with pride” in the afterlife! In order to grow spiritually, you gave up your divinity for a short time to experience this dark place and try to shine some light.
Alluvion: what light are you shedding? Please tell me how you are doing this
For one, telling you there’s nothing to fear about transitioning to the afterlife. This can give you a more positive outlook.
No alluvion I just don’t buy that (I’m not purposely trying to be confrontational, I just like to get to the bottom of things, esp very important things – hope you understand)
For one, you say that if you come here and ‘shed light’ then you will be able to ‘burst with pride’ when you return back to this beautiful world that you describe. But isn’t pride a part of the ego? Surely ego doesn’t exist in this beautiful world you talk of? Even if you don’t think that pride is the ego, then I still fail to understand why a spirit of pure love and peace would need any form of reward.
Also, if you know that you are from this other beautiful world and your job is the shed light here, then why do you suffer the depressions of this world yourself? Is your connection to this other beautiful world not strong enough to stop you falling into that hole?
Also, you have said many times in other posts that this life is ‘not your home, and these people are not your people’ so why do you feel such a need to come and tell these people not to fear death? Also, doesn’t that contradict what you say that people learn the best lessons whilst in despair and deep depression, so aren’t you trying to then override that by telling them in language the truth about death so that they could quite possibly chose it as a way out and skip the hard lessons?
Again, I am not purposely trying to argue with you I promise, it’s just that something doesn’t quite connect with me about what you say. I LOVE what you say about death, but it troubles me that you know this yet (it’s my belief) that you still fear it, so you fear that you are wrong. And maybe the more you stick around in life and convert others thinking into the same, it would give you more courage to take the leap yourself.
Alluvion: why would you have only the purpose to soothe people with the knowledge that their deaths wont be painful, instead of using your physical life on earth to better use to make this world a more enjoyable experience? To get to the root of unhappiness? It’s seems a fanciful purpose that you have, I find little respect for it and I’m afraid I don’t believe it.
I love your questions! I can see you both have an exceptionally curious minds. When you ask if pride is a part of the ego you are correct; I think your question stems from your preconceived knowledge that the human being is conceived as being in the illusion of individual existence and that this existence is dissolved once you cross over; However, this is not completely true as you keep your individual personality when you cross over. I don’t understand though why you would think ego cannot be part of a beautiful world. Can artists not feel pride for their creations in heaven? Pride is a form of joy.
The “spirit of pure love” as you put them are souls just like your own who have learned absolute compassion and understanding throughout their spiritual evolution, The very path you are on your way to achieving in through these incarnations. Committing suicide is not ‘skipping’ your lessons; You’re simply changing the curriculum.
I suffer the depressions of this world because this is not my home! These human bodies we inhabit are stripped down versions of what we once were. Our original form had 12 strands of DNA, which allowed multidimensional consciousness. I am cut off from my true self. It’s also not my ‘job’ to do anything. I simply choose to do it. I don’t know why you’d think I fear death. I have only preached the opposite. I do not fear death! It sickens me however when people spout fear-based reasons of why you shouldn’t kill yourself. (Such as you’ll go to hell) This only breeds more pain. Only through truth and love will we ever be able to overcome.
Soothing people is not my purpose in life. I do try to make this physical life more enjoyable, but it is discouraging work. You can’t take everything out of context. But, I also know from wisdom that your skepticism comes from your search for your own purpose.
alluvion: No I don’t believe that ego is part of a purer spiritual essence, on that we will just have to agree to disagree.
I also don’t believe that anyone on earth is truly enlightened or they would chose death, so I think you too are also on a search for your own purpose. I have read your other stuff and I like you very much, I wish I knew you and could sit and chat over coffee. You see, although I believe everything else you talk of, I really believe in my heart 100% that enlightenment is when it all falls into place and you are called back and the calling is so strong that you can’t ignore it, nothing in this physical existence would be able to keep you here, even is that means you commit suicide.
I think enlightenment is ‘truth’ and ‘knowledge’ and not necessarily ‘lessons’, but I agree in that you can only get to the truth by learning a hell of a lotta lessons 🙂
I think the only reward is getting to the truth, however you get there.
Indeed I am. But let me tell you something, soon I too will be leaving this world. Already my connections to my friends and family have all but faded away and I am feeling the calling back to the light. With each week that passes I feel more and more joy knowing I will be returning soon. I am happier inside too with myself and existence in general. (Although I snap back to depression sometimes) I want to share this feeling with the people on this forum, for so many here are lost in despair. Perhaps this is enlightenment?
alluvion: same with me! I was struggling for many years against my connections to this world fading, I thought it was my fault even though at times I tried hard to stop if from happening. But at the same time I was exploring deep into the truth and finding all the connection I needed there.
The past few weeks have been speeding up a lot for me, and I feel the end is fast approaching for me. I love how you say you feel joy about this happening to you, so do I! I love this site because I don’t think we could talk this way on any other site.
I too slip back into depression sometimes, but where it used to be for weeks, now it’s just a day or even just hours. Most of the time now I feel extremely peaceful, and have a inner smile about what is ahead of me.
But it’s not quite yet as when I really think of doing it, although I feel excitement, I also feel a tiny bit of fear, and I don’t want to have any fear when I do it.
Incognito, the question I would ask is what type of life do you want to live, from your last sentence, if I may ask?
I’m currently homeless and can remember my first bout with suicidal thoughts which started around the age of 13. Tough times, family issues, abuse, etc. I won’t pump religion, but Ecclesiastes 9:5 states : For the living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all, neither do they anymore have wages, because the remembrance of them has been forgotten. I’ve seen death as a wonderful mental, emotional, physical and spiritual rest for this systematic nightmare that we are in. In that, I would pray that I would be allowed to awake in the Resurrection.
Recently visited a homeless shelter to sign-up for housing. Brutal to see so many suffering from toddlers to 60+ elderly. Between reading expressions here and the homelessforums website, I’ve been able to endure and learn more even in my current situation.
Many do believe that we are malfunctioning mentally, spiritually, etc., when we want and/or attempt suicide. Like most of the expressions here, I would agree that continually attempting to strive toward what this system offers, is vanity. Solomon repeated that statement biblically many a time in his expressions.
I too hide my true emotions as most people don’t want to see ours in real life as that might be the breaking point for some of them as we are all struggling to survive this system of things.
I hurt for all of us as I read these expressions. I pray to Jehovah daily for strength, courage and humility to keep going. So many have laid down before us doing the same. With love, I pray for all of us daily to endure till it is our time to rest. I pray I don’t offend anyone and hope that each of you know that you aren’t alone in your struggles as we all are struggling.
I feel the SAME way. Like even though my doctor says that depression doesn’t have a cause, I think there’s one possibility, society. I’m a fifteen year old girl and I’ve been suicidal for a year and a half. I use to struggle with anorexia, but it’s not as bad anymore. If you ever want to talk to me…
Skype: rachel_andress