ive come to the conclusion the use of a readily available inert gas may be a less stressful way as the brain will produce endorphines when hypoxic and this makes you calm and happy strangly. the fact that is its time to go, ive tried for 20yrs to be “normal†my mother dis owned me when i moved to my dads but he just beat the shit out of me, while social services and the schools did nothing so i ran away, im 28 now and still running, but now from people who say they want to help but i dont want to be locked up, force fed pills and made to live an existence of pain, hatred, and utter contempt as the fact remains 99% of people on this planet are arseholes and quite frankly ive had enough, i know exactly what i want which is to die, in my own way and when i say and before i get that same old shite about how selfish i am and i have to think of the people i leave behind, there is’nt a single sole, i dont have any family and the few friends i did have deserted me because im ill and they dont like the way i act.
so there we have it im a 28 yr old guy with no friends, no family, no job, no money the only things i have got are a stack of health problems and an overwhelming desire to die. tried 3 times now but no success, thought the last might be lucky but nope, so heres to the forth and squiekiest and by god its gonna be the last!!!
9 comments
This has got to be the most saddest thing. I’m so sorry you have had such a horrible life, and by the sounds of it still suffering to a large degree. I know the pain you are going through and what it is like to have so many health problems that affect me mentally,emotionally and physically and also have no friends or family. I am a lot younger than you though, however, I have been through a lot. and I am alone and hurting everyday, so on that front I can relate. I am so low and haven’t risen from the bottom, and are unlikely too. I am suicidal all the time and my desire to die is so strong. I have major depression, anxiety and asperger’s, so I have a lot more weighing me down. I have one “friend”, but we don’t spend time together, we don’t speak much, and she is depressed herself and is expecting a baby, so she doesn’t have any time for me. We talk occasionally and that is about it. I am so broken inside. I can’t stop feeling so weak. I am in so much emotional pain, that I don’t know what to do. I see a phsychiatrist and a councellor, I am on antidepressants, I am depressed to the max, I try elevating my mood and do things to try and change how I feel. Nothing helps. It is so hard to get by in this world. But reading your story has made my hatred towards people and the world a whole lot stronger. I can’t imagine how difficult things are for you, as you have had to put up with all that sh*t for such a long time. I would like to be your friend, I know it ain’t going to help you much, and I am just another person online, but I really know what your going through, I have also tried committing suicide but it failed for me too. I have also been in hospital and tried comitting suicide when I was there. I have always wanted to be accepted and liked by people, to have someone to lean on through all my pain, but this world is just so cold and people who are ill and feeling like we do are the one’s who don’t recieve any good in life. But please, do reply back to me, because even though I don’t know you, I care so much, I am nearly in tears writing this, because I feel the same way and it hurts me to know someone else is in the same boat. Here is my e-mail if you want to write to me and become friends and support each other. vazzie_ere_chillin@hotmail.co.uk. x
Listen, you said in your story, that you tried suicide but it didn’t work. Its not the only way out. SUICIDE IS NOT THE WAY.
My parents have tried to kick me out of the house for stupid reasons.
But you don’t know how much I want to be free, to have fredom. Just like you have right now.
Listen. You have so much freedom and so many paths you can go.
Have you ever listened to music? I suggest you listen to Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Beatles, etc. It’ll help you a lot.
Try picking up an instrument, start writng songs… You might actually become famous.
If you don’t really like music, well its the same thing in everything, you need to try hard to acheive something.
Do u have a dream? Do u want to be something? Do you want to get out of that sinkhole called depression that you’re in right now?
Well then if you do, you need to snap out of your thoughts.
You have to swerve and avoid those thoughts, and just become what you want to be.
I know I’m only 13, but I know a whole lot bout life.
You don’t know how much I want to run away…. You don’t know how much I want your freedom… Use it well…
But its not your fault that you think lik that. It was the people who were around you during your childhood. You grew up with people who caused events to cause you to think suicidally.
Start off with getting a jov. Once you get enough money, move into an apaRtment, buy food, buy things u only need, and if ur gonna take my advice on becoming a musician, some thrift stores sell electronic pianos and guitars… While ur at it, buy a lesson book. And a cd player. You’d need that.
Please don’t kill yourself. Especially after I saw this post. It will hurt me and affect me in a big way knowing that I let someone die… Please don’t.
nessa your reply hit a nerve, it sounds very familiar, i’ll write to you but it may take a little while. as for the the other comment yes ive tried to kill myself before and every time its failed, but failure spurs me on, this isnt something ive just decided on a whim, its been in my head since a child, i guess some people want to be millionaires and me, well i want to die and find eternal peace! music is the bible to me and is such a major influence i cant begin to describe how much, are you familiar with john lennons imagine? thats what i’d like to see this world and life progress to but im not stupid and that will never occur. freedom can be a curse too, its no fun without family its hard but then i know i made the right choice running away, i just couldnt take the violence anymore, i took a 7hr beating just for losing MY wallet, having no friends is even harder though, i had a best mate, mark, we were so close, we spoke every day sometimes 2 or 3 times a day we would see each other when we could, he really helped i felt comfortable talking to him about my past, it really helped, imagine my horror when i rang him on my lunch break and his daughter answered and said he’d died, massive heart attack apparently, spose that was the real turning point i had to set the wheels firmly in motion, to find a way to die quickly and peacfully without hurting anyone else, physically or emotionally and ive been “doing it with betty” so i know my future and destiny, it wont be making music and becomming famous but instead fading into the darkness and disappearing for good, the best bit now, no one comes round or calls me anymore so atleast no can interfere with my plans again.
I think your friend wants you to sUrvive right now. He’s probably in heaven, and he’s looking down and he wants you to stay on earth. I’m not Christian, but I heard that if you commit suicide, you go to hell. Which means that you’ll suffer more. And people have feelings you know. Your mom or dad might miss you. It would be a heart break if they found out you died.
Why don’t you try to talk it out with your dad or mom? And try to find a job as soon as you can and move out. Its not too late to remake a normal family again.
Your destiny changes everyday. The choices you make makes your destiny different. Like for example, if you decide to not kill yourself, your destiny might be something good. But if you do decide to kill yourself, you’re just ending your destiny right then and there. You’ll lose all your chances at becoming something.
I understand if you don’t want to become famous or a musician, but there’s a long way to go until “eternal peace”. While your walking towards your eternal peace, instead of waiting, wouldn’t you rather spend the time for something valuable? Like I really suggest you play an instrument… But that’s just me. Wouldn’t it be a wonder if you could make sounds like John Lennon? YOU might be able to move the world and change it. Just take a chance! Grab a guitar, pen and paper and write your feelings….you’ve just got to believe.
People who suffer a lot usually end up with happy endings. For example, during high school or middle school, wasn’t there that really mean but hot chick who was really rich and popular? Well she’s probably a whore. Always will. She’s probably a prostitute, or a hooker.
A lot of famous people suffereed a lot. Like I don’t know if you know the band Train, but I remember that one of the members was a homeless, and he wrote songs and he advertised on the street, and he got a record label!
Beethoven, he was deaf. He couldn’t even hear it, but he felt it through the vibrations. He was beaten a lot by his father. He’s up there now, and his music is famous.
Kind of the opposite of train and beethoven, Mozart. Mozart was a fucking happy child. He had a dad, mom and siblings. He was able to become famous and popular. He was the most kissed boy in Austria at age 8. But guess what happened… After a few years, his life became horrible. The government hated him, they were trying to kill him. And his wife died. He didn’t have money. He had a lot of kids…
Anyway, Taylor Swift always got bullied and didn’t have any friends. Christina Aguilera didn’t have any friends either. She was bullied severly, but look where she is right now.
I’m saying that there are so many chances… There are so many things you can be! Hell, you might even be the next Michael Jackson(he had a bad life also) or the next John Lennon. What if you sing good? What if you’re really good at writing stories and books? What if you’re a quick learner and pick up guitar? What if you’re really good at finding stuff? What if you’re good at inventing? What if you were a good designer? What if you were really good at acting? What if you are good at giving advices, you could be a councelor.
So please, just consider some ideas, and don’t give up on it. Believe and struggle towards it…. Just believe.
what my friend may want doesnt matter anymore, he got lucky and isnt here anymore so my actions wouldn’t have any effect on him, as for the family as stated in my first post my mother dis-owned me when i was 9 because i moved to my dads, he beat the crap out of me until i ran away at 16 that was 12 yrs ago and ever since i’ve been trying to find a purpose, somehwere to fit in, someone who would acually love me for a change. seven years ago i found those things, a new life, a new start, new friends, family, job, somewhere new to live with a girl that loved me, it was better then winning the lottery i was there, on top of the world again, proving to the world and haters i could be someone and by god i got from the streets to middle management, i even rung my dad, figured a lot of water had pased under the bridge, guess what he said, well after he finally figured out who i was, turns out he has another son with the same name as me from his previous marriage, anway he told me i deserved everything i got, i wouldn’t even say boo to a goose, he scared the shite out of me, a kid is no match for a well built old school cockney, why did he do it, either through drink or he would have had a bad day at work and i actually think he got a thrill from it. so there we have it dont think theres much hope of a happy reunion and even if they did care i was dead, fuck em they can live with the guilt but somehow i doubt that would be the case, but that just confirmed i could finally forget about him or try to anyway, things just carried on as normal until it all came to head again in one poxy letter i got told its over and you have to move out, no explanation nothing, found out she was having an affair with an older guy from work, she wanted a kid, no probs i said but i need to get my head sorted first, i thought she loves me so she’ll understand but nope that wasnt good enough so once again this minging, useless fruit loop is back to where i started those 12 yrs ago, i can still remember like it was yesterday when i first got with her i was at work on the night shift filling up the booze and i stopped to think and i promised myself that would be the final attempt to give life a go and when it all went tits up i’d just top myself.
well i guess you can say ive tried and i can report life isnt worth living and thats my wish but at least i’ll go knowing in my heart that i really have tried.
their out there now, the arseholes from the estate, talking about and giggling at the freak at 51, thats what they call me, they’ve noticed theres something wrong with me, that no ones comes round and that i dont go out much, the mere fact i dont feel the need to wear a damned hoodie or drink and swear in the street is odd to them, but no i’m a freak because i’m a looney tune thats what they say, the council wont help, they say ring the police, they wont help either even after people were standing outside saying they wanted to knife me, i dont no anyone here, i really cant compute this attitude but i’m slowly being pushed by them, it’s brewing inside and i’m coming to the point of no return, that voice inside is spurring me on, they want a fight, i’ll give em a fight, i dont give a shit if i die and thats how i’m gonna fight em, if any of them come near me then i’ll fucking kill them every fucking one and i’ll make sure its slow and fucking painfull then after i can revel in my achievement of standing up for myself in way these pathetic twats understand, my goal to achieve peace in this world so i can go in silence.
You could just live in a quiet seluded place. You can make ur own peace! And god loves u in all ways, he has good things for the future. I can see it. U might not believe me, but I’m kind of a psychic and I tried to see ur future and I think its gonna be good soon. It might be hard now, but wouldn’t u rather work hard now and get better later? Like eat the brocolli first and save the desert? U were picked to live the life u live now. U wEre picked out of infinity souls. U probably are something special. And this is what I think, if u kill urself, ui need to start all over and live the life u live now over again. So ud have to feel the same pain, same everything again. B/c its unnatural, but if u die in a natural way, u might get a better life or stay in heaven. But kiling urself or purposely trying to die is bad. One, u might go to hell. Two, ud have to live it over again. *nd yeah. So plz don’t kill urself >.<
i have a secluded spot, a paupers grave, eternal peace and no one will know i’m there, there is no god and there is nothing for me. i came to this site in search for a chemical recipe, i came here to find a way to go successfully and quickly, instead i found friendship, someone with their own pain but still willing to give comfort, i’ve found a sense in me to want to carry on, to help support this wonderful person, so we can both find joy and some happiness together, but i’m starting to feel it’s not enough, i’ve been so set on dying now for such a while now i just don’t think i can carry on despite this new friendship, i’m so messed up now i just don’t know what to do.
Hey, sorry for not replying so long, but really…. Please don’t die. You don’t know if your life after is death is going to be “eternal peace”. You might have to live your current life all over again. And actually, it is real. The theory or law is real. Einstein had researched it. There are many worlds other than this world. Every choice you make makes a world, for example, there are probably 3 worlds right now. You stay alive but still suicidal, you are alive and you have become positive or you kill yourself. The decision in yours to make, but I highly reccomend giving life another try! You need to take chances, live life on your toes! You know, God brought you here to this earth … He chose you among the infinity or more souls that want to be alive right now. And those souls and spirits will be mad and angry if you decide to waste the precious life that you have been given. God only brought you here because he KNOWS that you can make it through. A lot of people have let him down, and he would be angry. I know that sounds really religious, but I think that’s true… Too truie. Okay, look at it this way. There are 1 milion hungry hamsters, thin to bone. And they are on the edge of dying. You have only one little piece of a healthy kibble or food. It will save a life. You give it to one of the hamsters, but it decides to poop on it or throw it out… And now all the hamsters died… Wouldn’t you be sad? Angry? Devastaed? That’s what your doing to the spirits and God right now, so don’t kill yourself! Please!
You can email me, iammai97@aol.com
Please email me 🙂 I like talking to you.