life is great, i jst dnt think its for me

i wish i could be somewhere els , i really want to be happy iv tryed for so long ,im only young but i’v been through so much and its stupid coss i dont want to be that depressed girl anymore i love haveing fun but at the end of the day , happyness fades and reality kick’s in .
i have no friends , only 2 members of my familey actually talk to me . iv been raped beaten by guys , heart broken bullied for what i look like . every day is the same . i dont want to die i just want to forget. the only thing i ever look forward to is seeing my younger brother , hes my only m8 i love him to bitz , but he has his friends his age . but the thing i dont get is how can he have so many m8z when i have none , me and my bro are so alike yet he has m8z and i dont. i know this probs sounds so silly , but i watched simpsons the other day n lisa was on happy pills or summink like tht n she was so happy , i want them lol . im not the same as i was i can tell iv changed . im scared to go out sometimes , i hate the way people dont like how i look , i didnt think looks matterd , but oviously it dose. i jst think that if the pain ..memories dissaperd i could be so much happier , but they cant dissaper coss ill always look this way ill always feel this way , ill always remember ,ill always be scared . i dont think anyone would care if i killed myself . so why shouldnt i . no one els will be affected . why should i fuking feel like this every day .why cant i be happy , its coss im ugly coss guys think they can just have me and use me ,hurt me phisically and emotionaly .im sick of it . mayb if i had one true friend , someone like me so we could help eachother , someone who wouldnt hurt me . coss id never wnt anyone who i loved to feel the way i do every day . but the thing is there are loads of people who want to die . i wish we could all just forget and be happy. its never gunna happen coss some people just want to watch the world burn. iv tryed hanging my self iv tryed cutting my arms to shreds all that did was make me look even uglyer than i already am . i tryed to take some pills but when i did i got scared , isnt there an easyer way to be happy . is the only choice i have id death . i’d rather be happy iv tryed for years , i went a bit mad last year im jst getting better now,
i used to read every day and pretend i was in the story i was so happy when i belived i was somewhere els , but when i finished a book reality would kick back in and id cry and try to kill myself every night with a razor blade , i got better after a year and a bit ,but i still feel the same as i did im jst dealing with it differntly instead of reading books , i smoke weed . buts itss all the same thing escapeism, i dunno why but i cant keep doing this its stupid im such a looser. is there an after life ,or is it jst nothingness . i want it to be like sleeping then i get to dream endlessly :] i really did smile then first time iv smiled in a long time and ment it . every time i try and be happy i look down and see all the scars and remember , i go home and i jst sit alone for hours waiting for the next day even though i know it will be the same . im only 17 i should be happy