I’m posting my suicide letter online because the people in my life know how I feel, so I would just be repeating myself to them, it’s like they can’t really hear me. I hope people read this and at least try to understand what it’s like for those who are suicidal, or ‘different’ like me.
In 2005 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I’ve been on medication since and was in hospital for 2 weeks once. Â I only take the meds to please other people, my illness upsets them and I don’t want to do that.
I have manic periods where I am literally on top of the world, and beyond, I feel I can achieve anything, I’m really confident and I want to talk to everyone and hug them, it’s like a sense of love comes over me and I want to express it and let others feel it too. But no-one likes me like this, they prefer me to be depressed, they seem to be able to handle that better. Â I was put in hospital because I sat down on the street talking to a homeless guy for 3 hours – now that might sound insane to most people, but I think the police dragging me away form a person that I must be ‘mad’ to talk to, is such a horrific and hurtful insult to the homeless guy. But hey, that’s how the world is.
Since that day, I have realized that the world isn’t a place I even want to be in anymore. I’m crazy for wanting to love everyone, and I’m crazy when I’m bursting with joy and energy (that’s a chemical ‘imbalance’ in my brain according to everyone else) So I figured, if I’m not normal, and if my behavior upsets all the normal ones, then what’s the point in me being here?Â
I’m fed up taking meds all the time, I feel like a zombie and I’m tired and lifeless. I’ve tried many drugs but these are the only ones that ‘work’. My parents don’t really care about me, they just want me to ‘behave’ and act normal when visitors come over. My moms friend was upset once due to her husband cheating and apparently I smothered her with affection. That embarrassed my mom.Â
I no longer want to embarrass my mom, she has such a good life with so many friends, and I don’t want to be a burden to the rest of my family either. I have no friends coz they all think I’m weird, and I get upset with them when they’re nasty to other people. But the most important thing is that I don’t want to live any longer being thought of as insane by literally everyone. There is no comfortable place for me here, it’s harsh and cold and I would rather be dead than be here.Â
I am not, and never have been a danger to anyone and it hurts to know that’s how I’m perceived, like I’m a rapist or murderer. Seems people handle violence better than someone who is really happy. Maybe this world is that void of large amounts of love and joy, that when they see it, it frightens them? Or maybe I am just insane? I’m not sticking round much longer to keep trying to work that out. I’m cold, lonely and miserable.
16 comments
Hiya. I don’t know how old you are, I’m 22 and I have bipolar too. I know what you mean about the medication making you feel like a zombie. I miss my manic episodes so much, I never even did anything crazy during them, I would just talk non stop and be really affectionate and annoying. But I did sleep around more and constantly talk of ‘saving the world’ lol and I used to really try to make people be as angry at all the injustices going on in the world and that was really annoying for them. My depressive moods were caused by my attempts at saving the world being met by annoyed faces.
Although I loved my manic episodes, I can understand how they piss people off. Who the hell wants to be called up @ work at 9 in the morning to be told that they must quite their job and come ‘spread the love’ with me?! So I really do see that these episodes needed to stop.
I’m sure you’re family do care for you, it is just impossible for them to know what this illness is like if they haven’t experienced it themselves. Although you feel zombie like and depressed now, please try to function normally, like I do. I agree that the ‘joy’ has gone out of your life (mine too) but you will adjust to finding some joy in other things.
For me, nothing touches those manic highs, nothing ever will, but I just have to accept that I must live a more subdued version of myself. You will adjust, I promise you.
Hi,
I just recently posted too. My story is a little different. You sound like a lovely person. It’s shit the way ‘difference’ is treated bysociety. You’re not all that different anyway possibly more sensitive and compassionate. My psychiatrist said to me once that I was like a lost soul in the universe and then proceeded to tell me that I ‘belonged’ with them in the hospital. Not my idea of the perfect sanctuary. I know the feeling of being in a harsh cold environment. It’s funny thoiugh that although I feel like my time is up I wonder is there a chance for you. Have you managed to get out of home yet. Sometimes there are people out there who will value you and I often wonder if everyone had the right environment would they thrive. Living at home feels llike a death I know. Our instinct is to leave the nest. I’m kind of stuck at the moment because I’m physically and mentally disabled. It’s like trying to leave home for the second time in my life this time with 2 broken wings. I’m all out of love and joy whereas you have lots to give. I bet that homeless guy really enjoyed your conversation that day. Made a change from people walking over him.
Tish
My dear Demeter; This world is run by organized crime. Everything that makes a human life awful is due to organized crime, and everything that makes a human life comfortable is due to organized crime. It is this that is the friend and the enemy of this world, not love, not joy and certainly not peace.
I’m sorry you have suffered this world
Hi again,
Bearing in mind of coure that here are dangers outside the home too!
Tish
I am now currently outside and checking this over my phone, I’ll reply in longer post after I got back home.
But I just want to say that I almost cry reading ur post,..because of how much I can relate with u and what u said (I will tell more about it).
This is indeed a cold, harsh world, and not to mention how sickeningly superficial AND artificial it has become! Has not many people damn realize what’s so wrong with humanity nowadays??..
demeter,
Could you hug me !?
The water in my eye I have to wipe, and the loneliness without love I just can’t deny myself.
Bipolar I saw too many, anger just filled them into misconception of righteousness and their feeling strong without illness.
Insanity is the problem the world sees towards them. What I see is just imbalance of chemical ingredients with a few days of herbs treatment totally can clear their skies.
However I saw none of that symptoms applied to you.
I could only see the peacefulness, and your love immense touching me.
After our death, each own’s destiny directing each path differently.
But I hope you seeing this, the hope of incising a timeframe towards our future of deja-vu.
(and please don’t get me wrong that, of your saying of people treating you as some kind of rapist or murderer, I just treat you as a male, a friend from the kingdom of love.)
To all, I too fit this scenario. I’ve always felt that we that fall under this diagnosis haven’t lost our innocence/early years. If you watch very young children, 5 or younger, most are able to forgive and continue to play with almost any child that age range. Not even giving the bad moment a second thought. You can see innocence/love begin to decline after 5 years of age as kids begin to retaliate, seek vengeance or worse. I too don’t fit. I’ve been told to many times that I care to much! How can that be? I’m currently homeless due to a false 911 call. Demeter, I can relate to your arrest dilemma. 22 is right on with the true fog that blinds the majority, with the ultimate blinder being beyond our sight. Demeter, stay humble in knowing that you aren’t the malfunction, but part of the coming solution. The wages sin pays is death… as the bible reads. May all of us do the very best we can to stay true to ourselves and continue to be humble in understanding those that just are blinded by this system of things. Love and hugs to all 🙂
Ah Demeter, you sound like one of the beautiful chosen ones!
It would be wonderful if you could remain and allow your light to shine upon the rest, but I know first hand that it is rarely possible. I would hate you’re beautiful soul to suffer, so you make the choice and let your heart guide you
The worlds solution:
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I don’t get it, why do people have ‘chemical imbalances’ in the brain? And what if some peoples brains are different to others? Like the colour of your eyes or something? I never understand why we have to medicate people like this, why can’t we just be free to act and feel how we naturally are? As long as we’re not going around hurting people, where’s the harm?
I hate this fucking world.
If you have felt even one moment of pure love in your life, anything less is meaningless. And worse still, to be told that there is something wrong with you to have felt that, is an unbearable burden for anyone to carry.
I have felt that feeling of absolute love. I’ll stop at nothing to return to it.
You sound like a really beautiful and amazing soul.
It pains me that people cannot accept someone who acts a little different.
I have met a new friend this week, he suffers with ADHD and has hardly any friends, hes a constant fidgeter and sooo forgetful and impulsive.. but thats him, and thats brilliant. I wouldn’t want him any other way. People seem to be fearful of someone different. Its human nature to attack what they do not understand.
Demeter.. you said ‘I have manic periods where I am literally on top of the world, and beyond, I feel I can achieve anything, I’m really confident and I want to talk to everyone and hug them, it’s like a sense of love comes over me and I want to express it and let others feel it too. But no-one likes me like this, they prefer me to be depressed, they seem to be able to handle that better. I was put in hospital because I sat down on the street talking to a homeless guy for 3 hours – now that might sound insane to most people, but I think the police dragging me away form a person that I must be ‘mad’ to talk to, is such a horrific and hurtful insult to the homeless guy. But hey, that’s how the world is.’
This is like it was wrote by me. Sitting on the floor with homeless people giving them some company and compassion. Not the dirty snidey looks they get from passers by. The world truely has gone crazy, or should i say, society!
@ demeter: ‘Maybe this world is that void of large amounts of love and joy, that when they see it, it frightens them?’
– Yes.