I’ll get to the point. I hate myself and have had very few periods in my life since I was probably eight (35 now) where I have been happy. It comes in flashes but never lasts.I left my adopted hometown in the NW and moved to TX. I absolutely regret it. I am broke, have no job (no one will ever get back to me despite hundreds of resumes/apps sent) Â insurance for my family and am living off of the charity of my familty. I am a loser. I’m 35 and have zero to show for it.
I really can shut off my emotions to everyone around me. I can shut off how I should feel to people that care about me.  I genuinely don’t like people. I am convinced my wife and 10 month old son would be far better off. At least she could find someone better than I to actually take care of them. He’d be too young to remember me anyway.
I can’t talk to anyone, let alone afford to go see anyone right now. People don’t want to deal with this shit. I did have optomism (believe it or not) when I decided to move here. It’s just been one endless black hole ever since.
The only reason I’m writing this now is to perhaps delay this decision. I don’t need any god squaders. I am as convinced there is no god as you are there is one (or many). I don’t need reasons why I shouldn’t. The only reason I’m alive tonight is because I promised myself to look at the only thing I feel good about (my son) and decide, just for today, why I won’t. Tomorrow could be different.
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Your baby needs you and it must be a bless to be able to have kids. I can’t.
Hi there. I’m in TX, too. Moved from VA. Just graduated from school in another career. Have a 6 month old and married, too, like you. Just like you, I hurt a lot. The drugs don’t seem to work, and have been on them for a while. I, too, believe my son and husband would be better off without me. I messed up my last semester of school pretty bad, and now I’m looking at a $15,000 second degree that I may not use.
I’m not trying to “steal” your story. Please understand that while I don’t have answers, I’m understanding of your experience and I HEAR you. So, I’m not sure if this will help you, but I’m electronically reaching out and saying that if anyone can be here for you today, then it’s me. I really do wish you all the best.
Hi,
I happened to find this site by typing in “how to live with being a failure”.
I have often felt depressed over my life for different reasons. I think it is “normal” for most human beings to feel discouraged and overwhelmed by life.
I think those of us who have had alcoholic parents or have been sexually abused have a lot of company. Life seems to basically be a struggle with a few high points thrown in.
I have personally been helped some by Celexa and I know if I stop taking it I feel a lot more sad. I am comforted knowing I am not alone in my misery but I also feel heartbroken for anyone who doesn’t have a least one person who is in their corner. I also find some release in reading fiction and losing myself in that….along with sleep. TV seems to make me more bummed. If I can ever get myself outside, I usually feel better.
Nothing can really change that I am disappointed that II am just an ordinary person and not anywhere as special as I had hoped to be in my life. It is a drag but I still hope to have some unexpected good moments ahead that will make me feel it has all been worthwhile. After all, this is my one precious life.
Love you my fellow sad ones.
Dear contepartio, I have just posted my response that I’m sure you would also able to relate here http://suicideproject.org/2010/09/12359/
My point is: can anybody here (other than me) see that so much, so much of humanity is so wrecked-off and fucked up nowadays because of this thing called MONEY ??????
Sure, some would say that Money is not the real problem, Scarcity is.
But then, you would ask how come people still want to INDULGE and live in this evil System, instead of together working out to CREATE a better System?? I mean, are we only a FEW minority here?? does MOST people generally still ENJOY the current ‘soul-sucking’ System??
Makes you wonder, isn’t it?…
all in all, although I’m 28 and still single, I can somehow really FEEL and relate with what you said here.
it’s always such a sad thing to see a kind soul/individual who has to lose all hopes, just because of this damn MONEY thing, and of how he/she not able to find other similar souls/individuals they can relate, in this ‘evil System’…
As much as this might seems hard to believe, my only hope now is perhaps the year 2012 (you can read some of my earlier posts about this topic on month of August), and of how it’s said that *something big* is going to come, and even transform whole humanity.
It might seems like a *miracle*, and I really HOPE it does.
because if after 2012, the world still “stays the same”,…then I don’t know if I can still continue to have HOPE to keep living in this damn fake superficial humanity nowadays.. I just can’t stand it.
Don’t leave your family, they are still with you because they want you around, if they didn’t want you , they’d be gone. Keep on strong bud.