I’ll get to the point. I hate myself and have had very few periods in my life since I was probably eight (35 now) where I have been happy. It comes in flashes but never lasts.I left my adopted hometown in the NW and moved to TX. I absolutely regret it. I am broke, have no job (no one will ever get back to me despite hundreds of resumes/apps sent) Â insurance for my family and am living off of the charity of my familty. I am a loser. I’m 35 and have zero to show for it.
I really can shut off my emotions to everyone around me. I can shut off how I should feel to people thatÂ care about me. Â I genuinely don’t like people. I am convinced my wife and 10 month old son would be far better off. At least she could find someone better than I to actuallyÂ take care of them. He’d be too young to remember me anyway.
I can’t talk to anyone, let alone afford to go see anyone right now. People don’t want to deal with this shit. I did have optomism (believe it or not) when I decided to move here. It’s just been one endless black hole ever since.
The only reason I’m writing this now is to perhaps delay this decision. I don’t need any god squaders. I am as convinced there is no god as you are there is one (or many).Â I don’t need reasons why I shouldn’t. The only reason I’m alive tonight is because I promised myself to look at the onlyÂ thing I feel good about (my son) and decide,Â just for today, why I won’t. Tomorrow could be different.