It amazes me that even on an anonymous suicide discussion forum, I can feel so misunderstood and more alone than I did before I found this place. I didn’t come here to win a contest or to have the most provocative story to tell. So why do I feel exhausted? Why do I feel as though I’ve done nothing but defend myself here? Maybe I never properly explained myself. Maybe I was too vague or too quick to just let it out. My back is up against the wall. I didn’t cause my problems this time; oh yes, I’ve been guilty of it before, brought things upon myself before but NOT this time. Some of you know what it is like to have friends but to really have no one, to have family but to really have no one. And that’s the situation – nobody gives a goddamn, when it matters most, the people who “care” about me are either nowhere to be found or they lack any level of empathy to be helpful. So I took some solace in this site. I’ve ended up defending my suicidal thoughts to people who seem to think I am some sort of idiot brat not looking at the full picture. Well, fuck that. I know what it is to be a kid, a teen who is depressed and not thinking straight because I attempted suicide at 14. I’m now 28 and if I truly wanted to die, I would have downed those Valium’s last summer even when things were “looking up” and I was still miserable inside. But I DIDN’T do it because even through the constant pain and isolation I do love life. I stuck around to see it through because I had a damn reason to, because good shit actually came about & I was GRATEFUL. Now I got nothing to show for my gratitude and hard work. Back exactly where I was less than 2 years ago but some want to believe that I’m just being whiny or selfish. Fuck all who think that. Come live in my shoes for a few days, then judge. I do think the world is crappy but I decided to try to carve out my little world of happiness, all for myself. That’s not a suicidal person, no. But take away my ability to create my own happiness – then suicide becomes an option BECAUSE I’M FUCKING TIRED. Why is it assumed that I sit back and do nothing to help myself?
I sit here looking for jobs day-in and day-out, sending out resume after resume, calling people, and even PAYING BILLS when I barely have $200 to my fucking name. How many of you can identify with that shit? How many of you know what it feels like to be fired from a good job, one that you liked, all because you didn’t go attend a fucking company barbeque? How many of you have watched your savings account go down the drain? How many of you have ever made plans to do something, anything extraordinary in the name of SAVING YOURSELF and watched it go to shit in a matter of minutes??? How many of you have a family who smiles in your face and cares nothing about you? How many of you have friends who check in on you, who you confide your problems to, whose advice is that “you should really talk to someone,” oh sorry, I thought I WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE, A FRIEND…….nope. You know what that’s like? To know people who have homes and money who know your struggles and yet offer no assistance or sanctuary whatsoever? Instead they tell you to go see a fucking psychiatrist? I’m not crazy. I don’t need a shrink and I don’t need meds. Hell, I don’t even need anybody to give me any money or a place to stay, fuck that. All I need is some genuine empathy and maybe a hug. People here are (in a veiled way) trying to label me shallow, trying to label my problems as that of money and therefore superficial. Again I say fuck you if you think that. I’m so angry that I cannot escape such bullshit even on a site like this. Maybe you see it as talking someone out of a permanent solution. All I feel is the condescending tones. Meanwhile those who have a job, a home, safety, and security are given the green light to commit suicide all because they “hurt inside” and the world is cold. I know that feeling, I’ve been suicidal since childhood and yet, I never made a 2nd attempt since age 14 despite how horrible I feel inside and toward the world. Nevertheless I don’t knock any adult’s decision that they’ve had enough. It’s their own decision just like it is mine, to decide when it is fruitless to go on living.