For starters, I am a 16-year-old male living in Southern California. While I am not at the best point in my life right now, I must say that I do not think that I am 100% suicidal. Perhaps, in some crazy, erratic emotional outburst I’ve had in the past, I was 100% suicidal, but by the time I had even thought about how I was going to go out, the feeling had already subsided and I was back to being a MySpace-hopping, angst-ridden teenager who was desperately searching for all of the answers once again.
Life, as I know it, is very, very odd. There always seems to be some sort of problem with me; either inside of my head, or otherwise. It seems that no matter what I do, at least at this point of my life, I am apparently destined to always be unhappy and any attempt to be the opposite can only be successful for a short amount of time until I can’t control myself, and I break down in my agony once again.
A large part of this may be due to my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You see, I was diagnosed with this disorder at age 7, and it has given me trouble my whole life in some shape or form, but it really got bad in October of last year (2009). The first obsession was with my age. I was 15 at the time, and for some reason, I started feeling like I had wasted my life away. Yes, quite dramatic for a 15-year-old, I know. It’s just, I guess I realized that I was already a teenager and that the good part of my childhood was actually over.
The second obsession, which was a cake-walk compared to the one after this, was about my 16th birthday (Which took place in December of last year.) I thought somebody was not going to like the fact that I was 16, and that somebody was going to kill me for it. Yeah, I know, odd, to say the least.
Now, I am about to share with you the worst obsession that I have ever had the displeasure of having at any point in my life: Somniphobia/Hypnophobia: The fear of sleep.
I honestly can not tell you what my deal was (and even is, to an extent), but, I was terrified of sleeping, and dreaming especially. It all started in early December of last year. I had had trouble sleeping my whole life, and was one who was often sleep-deprived. Well, one night, I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, when, BAM! I am terrified of the prospect of sleep. I don’t know if the “Powers That Be” decided it would be fun to torture me, or what, but even to this day, I have a very real off-and-on fear of sleep that reaches its boiling points at random.
I don’t think a lot of you realize how insignificant all of your other problems will become should you Â ever develop this dreadful, irrational phobia, but rest assured that if you do, it will be unlike any other hell you have ever experienced and will experience in your life. Are you getting picked on at school? Is dad beating mommy to a bloody pulp every night? Your boss making you feel like shit at work? Not to belittle anyone’s problems here, but, I’ll trade you, honestly.
Imagine your sanctuary. Your dreams; the most sacred word of your subconscious. The one place where you can escape from everybody and everything at the end of the day. Now imagine being afraid of that; deathly afraid of that. Â It’s like being afraid to go home times infinity, and I do not wish it upon anybody, even my greatest enemies.
But I’ve digressed a bit here. Anyways, these phobias are only but a small fraction of the reasons as to why I have contemplated taking my life. Another very important factor is the fact that I fail at love. Yes, I know, here we go. Another kid talking about how badly his adolescent love-life is. Well, it’s true. Maybe I just simply don’t know how to pick ’em, but, I can never get a girl I want. It does not matter what I do, before I even begin my infatuation with her, my fate is almost indubitably sealed, and it is not very long before I fall flat on my face, once again turning into an emotional wreck and rebuilding my all-too-familiar fortress of anger and despondency.
I cut myself a few times a few weeks ago. I had cut myself a few times before that, but none of those left me with this much blood trickling off of my left tricep like this one did. What can I say? It just got too much for me to handle, and I was tired of bottling all of it up. So, in anger of course, I slashed myself. It felt good. I felt like I was in control. “Yeah, hurting myself will show life not to shit on me!”, I confidently thought to myself.
Then, my parents found out, and the shit hit the fan. I was almost put into the hospital. Luckily, things were sorted out a lot sooner than I expected them to be, and the rest of the day went by smoothly as ever and that was that. No Â crazy mental hospital for me. I’ve cut myself once since then, but that’s all healed up, and I don’t plan on doing it again.
Anyways, these feelings have been off and on for me. I do not know if it will ever stop, but I do hope that no matter what, I can withstand it. There are some things, and some people especially, that I just don’t understand and I am not entirely sure I will ever fully understand. It is these people I also find it very hard to trust as well. I want to forgive those who have wronged me in the past, but, I know a lot of them do not know and have not considered their faults, but what they have done to me is very real, and it’s proven to be very difficult and overwhelming to live with at times.
And so I bid this farewell to you, my friends. I know a lot of you are burning on the inside. I know some of you are going to end it. I know some of you are going to continue to struggle all the while searching for seemingly impossible-to-find answers. I want you to know that there is always going to be a positive and a negative. The negative will be the most noticeable because we are constantly trying to fix it; to mend it into the positive, and to do this, we must concentrate on it no matter what. But, once you learn to accept the world’s bullshit, (such as murder, suicide, anger, angst, hatred, jealousy, etc.) that is when you will undoubtedly touch on the positive.
Goodbye guys. I hope this relatively small part of my story has made some kind of impact on you.