Screaming At a Wall

I know a lot of people are going through a lot right now, and after having read a lot of stories about people with HUGE problems such as serious illnesses, debt, poverty, divorces, etyc. it makes me feel like maybe what i’m going through may not be a big deal. The thing is, why do i feel like such a failure at life then? Ever since i can remember, it’s like i’m socially crippled. It’s hard for me to meet people or make new friends. The few friends i’ve had, end up quitting on me. I don’t mean to sound like a douche, but HONESTLY, i’ve analysed the way i act around others, or how i treat the people around me, and i don’t consider myself a bad person. I don’t know people will just walk away. Entering into a new relationship with  someone new, it’s always so uncomfortable because of the uncertanty that overcomes in me. Not certain of how long will it take for this new person to realize i’m a worthless piece of crap. Last year i lost my job, my grades in college went down to the point of almost being kicked out, i lost my friends for this and that, i lost my gilfriend and my dad and i got into a fight with him telling me how much of a failure i am and how dissappointing can i be .it’s all so grey. The feeling of loneliness even surrounded by a room full of people. I know you might be thinking “time to clean up your act then”. i’ve tried every time. Every single f uckin time. During the last year (which has not been a nice ride for me) i’ve tried to do things right over and over, failing miserably every f uckin time. It’s like just hanging from a cliff with one hand, and i think i’m starting to lose my grip and strength. I’m tired of looking at life, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS seeing it like an outsider. I’m never part of anything, not even my own family. I got no one to talk to about these dark feelings building up inside of me. Every single day it’s pain at any hour, with the thought of just quitting this game called “life”. Every single f uckin day dealing with the thought of killing myself and wondering if anyone will give a flying f uck two days later. I got all this negativity, anger, sadness, discomfort, inside of me and this might be the first time i’ve ever vented it out. But i’m tired of being an outider, and hating myself. I’m sick of this mental illness called depression haunting me. i know people go through tougher situations and do fine in the end, but why can’t i? why must i let everyone down? why must it be this way? I’m a guy, and i think it’s ridiculous that some 20 something dude who’s 6’4″ is crying himself to sleep due to him being miserable as f uck. As i’m typing this my sight becomes blurry as my eyes fill up in tears. i’m slowly killing myslef as i’ve stopped eating for a while, given the fact that i dont feel like doing anything at all. I’ve lost 20 pounds in 2 months already. I’m tired of screaming at the wall, due to the fact that i’m so goddamn lonely. I’ve had it already. they say “hang in there” but the fight just seems pointless as days go by just “hanging in there”. I feel like giving up. i’ve grown tired.