It would seem that this place is popular. I guess this would be a good place to explain my story, and in truth, my confessions. We will begin with the problem:
My problem is that I will never really amount to anything. I don’t know if anyone understands what my situation is, but I will explain as best I can. For years I have struggled to become something great. I want to be an actor and have my face everywhere. I mean it sounds childish, but I was accepted to a college for acting. I was going to go, but something held me back. I can’t explain what it was, but I didn’t want to go all of a sudden, and I was kicking myself in the ass the whole time. But it’s not really about the college, it’s the feeling that bothers me. I sucked in high school, I will suck in college and I will suck in life.
My next problem would be on the metal level. I have a lot of connection issues, and when I start challenging a friendship, I take it a little to far. I always think that people are after what I have or after something to make me angry. Because through my whole life I’ve been picked on and beat. I mean random on the street people, whom I don’t even know, will start a fight with me, and then beat the shit out of me. Is is called for? Am I so hideous? This whole problem makes me cave in on myself and I start getting self conscious. This has been carried through my years. I am eighteen years old, and I still feel like a twelve year old in middle school. I never catch a break. Everything I say, people make a joke. Everything I do, people say something to make me self conscious. I’m starting to hate myself and who I am.
And so, my final problem; My emotionless self. People say that they can stop feeling, and then there are others who feel like they have to tell you how stupid you are and how cliche it is. But in truth, I have no more feelings left. Period. Over these years, what I called my friends, have betrayed me in their own ways. (For the sake of keeping their names secret, I will use the first letters of their first names.) My best friend P: Him and I used to do everything together. It was always our thing to be with another woman together. Sure, it would’ve been different if it was some random girl we don’t really know, but it had to be my recent ex. We were together at the time, so it made things different. P always liked her, and I never felt comfortable when they were alone. we ended up having the threesome, and I felt nothing after that. P left for another state the next day. Pretty much he used me to have sex with my girlfriend. It scarred me, and I will probably never get over it.
What’s weird is that my friends saw how much pain I was in when I was with this girl. They told me that I should not talk to her after I broke up with her. They said I shouldn’t see her. But they go and hang out with her and do everything with her. My other friend T ended up falling for her and now my other friend L is trying to get with her. I don’t understand. No one understands the line. T got mad at another person for trying to date his ex, and now he is being hypocritical. I HATE HYPOCRISY!
These are scattered thoughts though. I hate putting things into order. It’s one of my major problems that frustrates me. I can never express my feelings. I can only write. I won’t say anything else. If you feel like you understand and it interests you, you could go deeper into my mind.