I can feel my life going downhill..i have tried so hard…i really have, but i just can’t seem to fit in anywhere. Since grade school, i have suffered the brunt of other people’s projections..their attitudes and comments have been so cruel to me and have inflicted so much damage that i wonder if i have any ego left at all. People say to me..you should have more confidence..you shouldn’t be so insecure..blah, blah, blah…but if they only knew that i’m lucky to be just standing, living and working after all i’ve been thru. I am an alcoholic..i didn’t just wake up wanting to be this way..i didn’t say to myself..gee, i sure like to have a lousy childhood, a crazy mother, be molested, grow up to be an alcoholic, and get raped…boy, that sure was fun…sometimes, i’d like to beat the shit out of those people who say..you create your own reality…you are the source of your happiness…as if by magic, you could make all those bad feelings and memories of shitty treatment from other people just go away. well, i didn’t ask to be abused as a child and i didn’t want anyone to rape me. what do you do when someone hurts you so bad and they just go about their business like nothing is bothering them..infact, they seem satisfied and happy about it…do you simply call that karma..well, how the hell do i know that i’m paying some kind of debt..what if i was just an innocent victim? fuck karma.
the only reason i haven’t committed suicide is that i read somewhere that if you committ suicide you will have to come back and experience a similiar life all over again…you have to learn your lessons…I can tell you that i don’t want to experience the things i have experienced in this life again…ever.!
depression is when you realize that it doesn’t matter how hard you try..your life is still going to suck. You keep hitting your head against a brick wall thinking…”this will get better…if I just work hard enough..this is going to get better”..so you work, and you work, and you work and lo and behold, some asshole comes along and knocks down all you’ve been trying to accomplish or prevents you from getting ahead…no guarantees,right?…well, I want my damn time and money back..figuratively speaking..
 this bad attitude of mine was not always the case..i was once a happy, very loving, very generous and open person.
i became depressed because i kept being traumatized and used by other assholes. i think i will stay alive just to spite them. yes, i am angry and yes, I know, I have to forgive…I guess i will just fake it until i can forgive and find peace.. The poet Bukowski simply said…”don’t try”…I think I’m going to try “not trying”..I think I’m going to stop letting assholes get the best of me and just live my own life…fuck em. Rape me, shoot me, cheat me..screw me over..steal from me..talk about me…whatever…I will not let you control my happiness and well being any longer..you got that:?! I’m going to find peace and love in my heart again and one day, you will end up feeling the sadness and grief which you have caused others with your ignorant and selfish ways.
thanks for letting me vent. To all those who want to committ suicide because someone has done something really nasty to you…please DO NOT GO THRU WITH IT!  they are not worth it…they will get theirs even though you have to free yourself by forgiving in your own time…you made a mistake and got yourself hurt by an asshole…well, don’t give them your life…that is too much!..you’ve paid the price by being hurt by them…so, let them be and move on.
8 comments
Thanks for sharing actually, I really feel some of your frustrations though I certainly haven’t gone through what you have with some of the things you mention. I hope you do successfully implement what you describe in your last two paragraphs, regardless though, you have shared a heart felt story of which a number of us here appreciate.
Could we please talk? PLEASE! it would really help me, i think i need it. I’m past my point, been raped and abused, used, treated like crap. please. please,
dear luna,
sorry to hear about what has happened to you in your past…looks like we share alot of similarities…what is wrong with this place?…have we always been in prison, but are just now waking up to what a shithole this has turned out to be…is this necessary for us to take those steps towards gaining control of our lives instead of playing the victim over and over..ad nauseum? ..
the first thing for you to do is to find your power again and take control..people can smell a victim in you from a mile away…you now need to tell yourself that you are not going to be a victim anymore..no matter what other people do to convince you otherwise…we have to learn to love ourselves without the shame of our victimization…we are worthy of this love because truly, in spirit, it is given unconditionaly.. you need to reach deep inside you to find this love…let all the thoughts of your past abuses leave you just for a moment, and be still. imagine the greatest love you have ever known is pouring forth from your spirit..higher self…or God..and healing you on all levels…it is supportive of you..it is there for you and will never leave you…ever…not for a moment, no matter what happens. because, quite frankly, you are this love..you are this light…
..we can’t wait for other people to get the idea of treating us better…we cannot control what people do…they actually are ignorant fools who are not in control of their own lives and must steal the control from another person. Rape is really about stealing control..because the disgusting and lousy perp can’t get off any other way..believe me, on the spiritual level, rape hurts the perp way more than it does the victim..though that is hard to believe…I often say outloud to those assholes…you will bear the brunt of the psychological damage you have inflicted upon my soul..you will bear the sadness and the shame and the pain…i will not hold this for you..I imagine the psychological pain lifting from me and landing right back on them…it was their choice..and they will bear the brunt of their damage…GOD DAMNIT!!
if someone has done something bad to you, then let out the anger in a safe way..go home and shout and scream until the tears come..then, just breath…breath in the strength…breath in the light..and thank your lucky stars that you are not the same as they are…that you don’t have to play that role of victimizer because we all know where that will eventually lead. Everything that someone has tried to steal from you..they will not be able to keep…no one escapes death..all will meet their end on this earth…these pathetic souls are desperate in trying to find happiness at the sake of others..they can’t think beyond what feels good to them..thank god, you are not one of them…thank god that your suffering has made you more aware and compassionate for others…that is the only true way out of this prison.
For now, it is ok to feel hatred and anger toward those who have hurt you..i know i still do sometimes, though the episodes are starting to become less frequent….after a while, you begin to look at your victimizers in a different way..you start to see them in all of their pathetic guises…with all of their pathetic and useless schemes…and then you see them as suffering more than you ever could because they are ignorant of how much suffering they have caused and how much they will have to pay for that suffering in the future.
If you are in an abusive situation, please work on getting yourself out of it….you have to be away from the abuse in order to heal. that is what i’m going to work on and so should you. it may take another 10 years, but at least i can go towards that goal instead of back in the control of my victimizers…
Wow. That was really well said. And it makes a lot of sense. Thanks a ton! And yeah it was my older brothers, so it makes it hard to see them whenever i do, they know i still remember but they are trying to block it out themselves. It just makes me so mad! HONESTLY! they took away a part of me when they would just come in and have their way, i have SCARS!! those will never go away! it just makes me SO MAD! UGH!
for those who have suffered the trauma of rape…
in my pain…my heart is cracking open
i see you crying alone
and i cry with you…
i too lay scattered in fragments
all of the broken pieces
here at ground zero
when will we ever find them again?
when will justice be done?..
who will hear our voice crying out
in this wilderness?
the screams in the night..
the fear of sleep….
the vexation of vulnerability…
i whisper a curse into
this open womb
wounded…bruised…used and disgarded
the whim of some sicko’s
momentary pleasure
the injection of poison
the remembrance of pain..
those darkest in their hearts
those walking dead
seek the light….
steal the very life
to consume…to capture..to destroy
they can try but cannot forever
keep the light…
for they will be consumed
they will be captured..
they will be destroyed…
i see you
crying alone
you swallow your tears
telling no one
but i know that
horrible dark secret
you’ve been hiding
the heavy burden
which should have never been
yours to bear
one day, you will break free…
there will be light
to shine the way out of this darkness
my sisters…my brothers…my children…
i am holding you in my heart
my arms lend you my strength
as your grief comes forth like a dark cloud
your tears flow down in a flood of pain
within your sobs and your cries
i will open my ears to witness
your momentary death
and beautiful rebirth
we will walk away from this
like newly born children renewed
never looking back
on the dead things behind us
no one will ever be able
to take this from us
as our hearts have now opened
and remain forever alive..
Wow!
I just seriously dont know what to think at this point. it seems like everything is going down hill.
hey luna,
that is an awful experience that you survived…god knows why this sort of thing happens. I was molested by my older brother who in turn was molested by my uncle (who molested me too by the way)…this happened when I was 2 up until about the age of 5 when I started to gain weight on my way to becoming a fat kid…probably was just trying to protect myself.
later on..in my teens..i could feel that ugly sick feeling coming from my older brother which always made me feel gross…one time he tried to kiss me, yuck!…when I was in my mid 20’s, I finally confronted him about the things in childhood. he knows it’s true because I threatened to tell our dad and that scared the shit out of him…he begged me not to tell…and so on…that was a good way to take back some control…
you see that heavy amount of shame my brother now carries?..it is the same with your brothers…they are so ashamed..they cannot even face what they have done to you…they cannot look into that mirror…they will carry that as long as they live…it is so ugly and so abominable to them that they fear it more than anything…bur, they won’t be able to deny it forever…
so, let them hold the disgust and shame…you had no control over what they did…you were just a child…but you are like me in that you lost your “NO”….as in…NO! you will not do that to me…and NO! I will not be your victim! NO! I don’t deserve this treatment!…I still lose my NO from time to time and shitty things keep happening…some have been my own fault…I have to tell myself…NO more letting yourself become a victim…NO!
Also, when this kind of abuse happens, you have to re establish some healthy boundaries with people because as a child, your natural boundaries were stepped on and became extremely distorted…this makes you more vulnerable to abuse…it’s like a radio signal in your brain…you’ve got to change the channel to a more healthy and life affirming frequency…I know you can…and so can I….
try to limit the amount of time you spend in the presence of your brothers if you can help it…this is about your healing and you don’t owe them a damn thing…when you are stronger, you will be able to forgive your brothers…but not forget…try saying to yourself…I am much better off than they are…they now carry all that shame…they can’t even be honest with themselves…they will live their whole lives in denial..cursed…
I wish you all the love and healing that you need to recover. I hope you have a happy and fufulling life…you are so deserving of it… but most importantly, I hope you find your NO again and learn how to become your own protector and safeguard against a life of victimhood…
if you are ever abused again…because life can be shitty…then look back at all you have survived and draw strength on that…this too will pass and you have the strength, wisdom and compassion to see it thru…(I should listen to my own advice)
thanks for sharing…it has helped me to share with you.
peace and love,
she