I can feel my life going downhill..i have tried so hard…i really have, but i just can’t seem to fit in anywhere. Since grade school, i have suffered the brunt of other people’s projections..their attitudes and comments have been so cruel to me and have inflicted so much damage that i wonder if i have any ego left at all. People say to me..you should have more confidence..you shouldn’t be so insecure..blah, blah, blah…but if they only knew that i’m lucky to be just standing, living and working after all i’ve been thru. I am an alcoholic..i didn’t just wake up wanting to be this way..i didn’t say to myself..gee, i sure like to have a lousy childhood, a crazy mother, be molested, grow up to be an alcoholic, and get raped…boy, that sure was fun…sometimes, i’d like to beat the shit out of those people who say..you create your own reality…you are the source of your happiness…as if by magic, you could make all those bad feelings and memories of shitty treatment from other people just go away. well, i didn’t ask to be abused as a child and i didn’t want anyone to rape me. what do you do when someone hurts you so bad and they just go about their business like nothing is bothering them..infact, they seem satisfied and happy about it…do you simply call that karma..well, how the hell do i know that i’m paying some kind of debt..what if i was just an innocent victim? fuck karma.
the only reason i haven’t committed suicide is that i read somewhere that if you committ suicide you will have to come back and experience a similiar life all over again…you have to learn your lessons…I can tell you that i don’t want to experience the things i have experienced in this life again…ever.!
depression is when you realize that it doesn’t matter how hard you try..your life is still going to suck. You keep hitting your head against a brick wall thinking…”this will get better…if I just work hard enough..this is going to get better”..so you work, and you work, and you work and lo and behold, some asshole comes along and knocks down all you’ve been trying to accomplish or prevents you from getting ahead…no guarantees,right?…well, I want my damn time and money back..figuratively speaking..
Â this bad attitude of mine was not always the case..i was once a happy, very loving, very generous and open person.
i became depressed because i kept being traumatized and used by other assholes. i think i will stay alive just to spite them. yes, i am angry and yes, I know, I have to forgive…I guess i will just fake it until i can forgive and find peace..Â The poet Bukowski simply said…”don’t try”…I think I’m going to try “not trying”..I think I’m going to stop letting assholes get the best of me and just live my own life…fuck em.Â Rape me, shoot me, cheat me..screw me over..steal from me..talk about me…whatever…I will not let you control my happiness and well being any longer..you got that:?! I’m going to find peace and love in my heart again and one day, you will end up feeling the sadness and grief which you have caused others with your ignorant and selfish ways.
thanks for letting me vent.Â To all those who want to committ suicide because someone has done somethingÂ really nasty toÂ you…pleaseÂ DO NOT GO THRU WITH IT!Â Â they are not worth it…they will get theirs even though you have to free yourself by forgiving in your own time…you made a mistake and got yourself hurt by an asshole…well, don’t give them your life…that is too much!..you’ve paid the price by being hurt by them…so, let them be and move on.