They say Why?I say Why Not?

You may have heard this story before,you may not.It is all relevent because this is my story.I am an Asian-American.Being different is said to be a good thing but the majority of you do not truly know the meaning of this.You have never been a total outcast of an entire school system.To be teased in an all white school system every day!Day in and day out.To be rejected by even the most unsocial of classes!To have everyone sickened by the sight of you.It’s not like I’m disgusting looking.I considered my self to be fairly handsome (at the time).Imagine starting your existence this way.I know it doesn’t sound so bad,but believe me,it’s not the way I would want anyone to try.Oh,did I mention the bullying done to me and my mother.My father passed when I was very young so there weren’t anyone to defend us.Alone in a cruel world!
Family was also disgusted with my father marrying an Asian.They would go through the motions of family,but you could always tell by the look in their eyes.It was the same cold disdain look I saw every day at school from an entire society.When they say that family is all you have,try having a family that dispises you.Truly the Black Sheep.I have pondered these thoughts many times back then.Oh,and back then is over 2 decades.If not for me being in perfect health (at that time).It wouldn’t have been pondering.I always held on to the fantasy that everything would be better if I just believed.Believed that someday,I would no longer be considered different.
My mind has always been different also.When I was young,I would attend honors courses and of course,aced them.Then,I became your stereotyped Asian.It’s not so great when you just added fuel to the fire with classmates that already do not want you there.I tried to be nice to all whom I came in contact with,just to be rejected and teased once again.So I gave up on academia.I had to go to my introverted bubble once more.Alone without any hope of aid.Once again holding on to the fantasy.The fantasy that once I graduated,things would get better.
Once I graduated,I figured life would be better.I worked 2 jobs and was going to college.Then,once again,fate intervenes and leaves my without family.My mother passes.Now I am without a home,family,or hope.All I can do is work to pay bills.Forced to grow up faster than I already had.Forced to be alone.
As time passed,the thoughts kept creeping back into my head.What is keeping me from stopping it all?I have no money,no family,no home.Why not?
I should have done it then!
Now,2 decades later,and a lot of mundane jobs that barely cover my bills,have passed and the thoughts come back.What is keeping me from doing it this final time?I still don’t have any chance at happiness.Everything has not changed.The only thing that has changed,are the years are catching up.I have struggled and struggled.And for what?I am still back at square one.In up to my ears in debt with no hope of getting a good job (especially in this economy) to help me out this mess.Now all who read this usually just say “Why not go back to school and get a good job?”Well,get me into a school that will pay my bills and I would happily do it!You all think I should turn to religion or something that I consider a crutch for the weak minded.I am not weak minded.I have thought this through logically with cold hearted calculation.After all,I am alone and who would miss me?Like I said,I have no job,no money,and no home.So what’s the real reason I should stay?My health,you say?That is also a lost cause.So now what?Well,I’m waiting?You say Why?I say Why not?What is worth all this agony,worry,and despair?