When you’ve been unappy for your entire life, you get a bit sick of people telling you things will get better or that you should have hope in the future. Why? I don’t even desire to suceed and have a sick hell bent wish on suffering and dying. How can i get better if ii dont have the motivation or desire too? I know that some people never make it, and what if i’m one of those people?  I will never be anything good enough for society. I haven’t working in over two years, dropped out of college, can’t get out of an abusive relationship. I’d be fine if i knew i could just live like this, but the world holds hopes and responsibilities over me that i can’t reach. I struggle to not kill or cut myself everyday, how in the world can i began to be normal and live normally? I never have and my family hasn’t either. I was raised in a cult that tore down my sense of self and meaning. I have nothing to live for and no desire to try harder. My childhood was miserable, my young adulthood is over and i’m still living like a teenager. I have no self esteem although i’m attractive and intelligent. I just can’t erase the years of abuse and mental trauma i experienced no one understands. I’ve always been the outcast.Â
I feel forced by society and friends to kill myself, because they refuse to accept me as I am. No one ever accepts you for who you are. They alawys tell you to do better, that you aren’t doing good enough. Well screw that i’m done. I’ve already attempted suicide seriously once. I feel if i can’t reach the standards society puts on me, i may as well excuse myself from it rather than feel inadequate every freaking second of the day. I am who i am because of whatever reasons, DNA, upbringing, my own messed up sense of reality. Whatever it is, years of therapy, dozens of medications, self help books, etc. hasn’t helped. I’ve studied in depth about the human brain and neurobiology, still no help to me changing. I have the victim mentality and have wanted to die since i can remember. All of my older sisters made a suicide pact when i was 10. I’m ready to give up and lack the guilt of loved ones missing me because they refuse to accept me.
2 comments
Totally understand your frustrations and overwhelming disappointment. When you say you cannot leave the abusive relationship, what do you mean? Is it circumstantial? Financial? Threatening? Something else?
Why does society have to be so powerful that we have to measure up or leave?? Why can’t we be ourselves and feel like that is enough? I hate who I am and wish everyday that I will not see tomorrow. I turn to people for help but they don’t understand or care. I can’t get pass this dark hole that no one seems to notice that I’m in. Why can’t someone just care enough to try to help??