would it be the time

I was ten years old when I first time was about to jump down from our balcony. I could just imagine myself lying there and see my bones overall myself. Unfortunately the building we lived was only three floors high so I knew it wouldn’t do the job. Now I’m 17 and nothing’s changed. I still can’t find anything worth for all I’ve got to stand and I am so ready to die.
It’s the only thing I really want.

I have once been 30 seconds away from succeeding by using my medical pills and alcohol, but mum came home when I was trying to walk. If she’d come home 30 seconds later, I would’ve been lying in my bed and she would’ve been thinking I was just sleeping. I’ve been cutting myself for three years, I’ve been on hospital and rehabilitation home and nothing has helped. I’ve been on medication since I was 14 years old and I still can’t sleep well or feel joy.

I have even failed on failing! I failed my own suicide, how great is that?

For over half year everyone including me thought I was about to be over all of it. My doctor already started to cut down my medication and it had to be ended for the end of the year, everything seemed to go to that point that I’d healed. But now I’m back here, trying to make a hangman’s knot and counting hours for mum to come home.

And to crown all, I’m on college and haven’t been there for over three weeks. I’ve spent too much money to pay some bills and everything, I say everything, is a huge mess. There’s no point in anything and all I think is my funeral. Cremation or coffing – what are they gonna eat when partying my death?

My grandmother committed suicide, my mum’s deeply depressed and then it’s me. So it comes in the family – I’m not going to have healthy kids. I’ve got no future, I’m too tired to study or get anything done. I was about to heal but I came back to this. It doesn’t mean anything wheter I live or die, future has nothing to give for me and I have seen it that I do not have a chance.

I just don’t know what’s holding me. I’m a little bit scared to do it – I’m not sure how to do it and be sure it works. I don’t have anything great stuff like guns or carage for carbon monoxide poisoning. I’ve failed on failing and that took me to hospital and rehabilitation house, which means two years of even worse suffering. I can’t do it if it’s not a 100% sure way to die.

Do you think it is time for it now? Because I’ve seen many discussions that someone’s giving up after one or two misfortunes and everyone says that there’s no point in that. But I’ve had nothing but misfortunes – and nothing but misfortunes in future. It is already a good thing to do now, isn’t it?