I forgot about this website. I haven’t been on here since I was eleven, so a little over two years ago. And I’m still suicidal. Guess my attempts never measured up, eh? I never asked for help like I so wanted to do. Like I still want to do.
Living like this, I never thought I’d still be suicidal at the end of middle school. With that first cut back in ’08, I promised myself the by the end of the seventh grade, I would be healed. I swore I’d be completely healed. I’m in eighth grade now, and, I’ve only gotten worse.
I have stopped cutting, but my razor is still hidden in my room. I no longer have my original box cutter that felt so good on my bare arm, now I have a rusty razor that cuts me when I hold it. I’ve cut one time in the past year and a half. One relapse. I lost so little blood with that one cut, and it left me yet another ugly scar. My scars trigger me so much. They have made me resort to other forms of self-harm. What I do I refuse to post. I may be falling apart at the seams, but I will never tell someone else a way to hurt themselves. God knows that it has destroyed every last bit of the happy-go-lucky girl I pretend to be, I will not let that happen to anyone else.
Both of my parents know that I struggle with my self-harm every day, both of my parents know that I’m really not the girl that I portray. They found out in March of ’10. I wrote a note. I left it at school. It got linked with my handwriting, and next thing I knew everyone around me was talking about putting me into counseling. Whenever that idea was brought up with me, I’d cry, and I’d yell. I told them that they’d be wasting money, if I wasn’t going to open up to the women who gave birth to be, or the man who got her pregnant, I wasn’t going to open up to a complete stranger.
The word depression hasn’t been muttered with my name since June.
I’m a member of three different teenage help websites currently; teenhelp.org, helpingteens.com, and recoveryourlife.com. On every single one of them my username is midnight_daydreamer, so if you look at them, make sure to check my profile out. XP
Teenhelp has been my safe haven since April ’10. Everyone there understands, everyone gets it. And though they might not be able to help, they always try. They always listen. I love it there.
I guess that there really isn’t all that much that I need to share about myself.
~I will survive this battle~
1 comment
pretending is the hardest thing to do 🙁 i’m so sorry.
stay strong, you seem to be doing so well. you should be proud, many other people dont have the strength to endure this kind of stuff. so well done 🙂