I just recently turned 16 and I’ve never told anyone what goes running through my mind. I am always thinking, and during those major breakdowns that I’ve constantly been having, I have many suicidal thoughts. During my breakdowns, I cry and think and ALWAYS, cry as low as possible. I’ve never cried out loud. I feel the need to SCREAM until I’ve lost my breath or maybe pass out because of lack of oxygen, but I can’t. I fear my younger siblings will hear me. I don’t want them to see me cry. I’ve always kept myself from crying in front of them, even during those family times where everyone is crying together. I’m the oldest and I feel i should be strong for them, so THEY wouldn’t break down and turn into an image of myself. When feeling down and they come into my view or talk to me, I force the fake smile onto my face that I’ve learned to use daily, and act as if nothing is wrong, when truly, my world is crashing away. Tearing at the remaining soul that remains inside my body. We’ve been through many tough situations where they’ve cried their sad eyes out, and I always hated to see them cry.
I’ve been living with my depression for about maybe 10 years now and I’ve never taken anti-depressants,counseling, nothing of that sort. My sister has had counseling when her emotions were visible to see, except me. I feel proud for being able to hide them this long. When I have my breakdowns, I think to myself, how i want to die and how I hate myself. I angrilly take off all my body piercings and throw them across the room, thinking, “These are not me, they are not a part of me.” About 10 minutes later, as everything passes, I stop and put everything I’ve taken off back on me. then I think, “I’m bipolar, I just wanted to die but I can’t. I won’t kill myself. Everything on me is what Ive become and i can’t change it. No one can. I can’t leave the family that loves me behind.”
Recently, i’ve gone to my elder family members in search of help, knowing I need it. I turned to my mom to get me into counseling since I can never bring myself to talk. SO she brought me an application to fill out. I eagerly filled it out and handed it back to her when she said she’ll mail it. I waited for a month for a response from them and I recieved none. Later, I found out from my grandma, she had asked my mom if she mailed it for me. My moms response? “She told me she didnt want to do it and told me not to send it.” I have been denied to take counseling, from my own mother, who has taken my younger sister to counseling.
What can i do now? i have no real friends at school. I absentmindingly block myself away from others, building a protective shell around myself, and i can’t even talk to my own family. i’ve tried writing in journals/diaries etc, but nothing seems to work. I’ve had a pet to actually talk to, but he to, was taken away from me, throwing me further down the dark abyss well that I Â can’t seem to crawl out of. I feel so alone, when surely, everyone is around me, waiting for me with open arms, ready for me to learn how to break through my wall.