So I fell asleep with thoughts of ending my life on my birthday. I contemplated on how Id do it, the things Id use and how long it would take…. Then sleep fell upon me. I ended up dreaming of rain followed by gray charcoal skies. Im not sure what it meant or what it was trying to get at, but I woke up hoping for the best of my day. I get to school and yea my thoughts of loosing hope fade as they do every morning, untill I get to english. My teacher says “well arent you looking “kinda” cute. I followed by a smile then she rubs in ” I said kinda so dont start getting all worked up” Totally killed me.
You Know its bumming, as if I dont have low self esteem already! And someone to give you compliments and telling me not to get worked up. Its bugging me so bad. I dont talk as much as I use too anymore, its like my words have been cut short. Sometimes I think I need a script so I wont forget my lines and when to say them.
Ive tried looking for help but maybe not hard enough. Ive talked to both our school counselor and health teacher, but I cant seem to find the source to why I feel so helpless. What triggers my mind to.make me feel this way.
I dont blame anyone, but myself for feeling like I do. I dont hold grudges or hate on anybody, yet I have several people who “hate” me for “their reasons”. It doesnt.make any sense to me, tho heres to another day in life…. ):