i’m not going to say any bullshit like i’ve had a hard life because i’m sure there are people out there who are far worse off, this is more of a way to relieve some anger or feelings because i don’t want to talk to any friends about this. i’m 17 now and some people would consider me pretty popular. i started having suicidal thoughts when i was only 13 which is fucking scary. my dad left when i was 2 years old and i still talk to him and see him every week but theres no real relationship because i feel he will judge me for what i say. five years later my mother marries another man and i knew he was a little fucked even when i was 7. i never knew he was bipolar until 4 years ago. when mom was gone he would beat my sisters and threaten to kill us, he never hit me but i was there to witness all of this. my youngest sister was his daughter that my mother had, and she got the worst of all the abuse. fortunately my mother got a divorce with him but she never knew anything happend until it was all over and she felt terrible and blamed herself. my bipolar sister has made things pretty unbearable in the house with all of her screaming and hitting. this happens everyday all day.
my mothers friend killed himself last year by co2 poisoning in his car ( don’t know what it’s called). this really was the first time that i had had any real thought of how that can affect someone.
i’m sorry if my thoughts are all mixed but i guess that’s how i’m feeling, since i was kid i was bullied further than most kids, when i was 5 i was beaten everyday for absolutely no reason and recently there has been a kid who has tried to start stuff with my friend and I. he stalks us because we chill around his ex girlfriend that he broke up with, he said he will kill us and one day he followed us in his car bumper to bumper to us and i was scared he was going to take us off the road because he’s a little fucking loonie and has no problem killing himself and anyone around him. something scared me the other day. he jumped my friend, and my friend absolutely beat the shit out of him, and the only thought i had was how pissed i was that i didn’t get to stomp his face in right there. my minds all fucked, i don’t want to be anything like that piece of shit. maybe he has troubles to but i would never attack someone else for things that are wrong with me.
now that some of that is out next subject is my grades, last year i was an 80 student which was the best i’ve ever had in my life. i busted my ass to get those marks and this year is my last year in highschool and i’m failing every class i have. and the other day my teacher asked me why i even bother coming to class. i couldn’t answer that question because i have no clue what i’m doing after this year, I’m doing terrible right now. everyone thinks i’m talented with music but i’m not retarded, i know that isn’t what im going to be succesful in. maybe that’s the problem, i have no ambition anymore, i don’t want to try, i don’t want to feel anything. last night was the first time i was in such a shitty mood that i lashed out at someone else and i felt terrible about it, i was going to kill myself. i was going to take my mothers car and do what her friend did. she always tells me she loves me and i feel trapped, guilted into staying in this fucking shithole. we are on wellfare and the other day someone was making fun of people in that position and i was going to freak out. my mom just graduated university and she’s becoming a teacher, finally she can get ahead in life, to bad i’m not going to be a part of it because after this year ii’m gone.
i’d feel like a fucking douchebag if i died right now, i havn’t giving fuck all to the world. last night when i was going to kill myself i kept thinking how selfish i am and how horrible i would make people i know feel. my school is filled with my friends (popular crowd), hicks, emos, and stoners. mostly the emo/scene kids though and they are fucking retarded, i know one of them who pretends to have a hard life but i know his family lives in a fucking mansion for christ sakes. he will never know what it’s like to not be able to eat because you want the rest of your family to, he will never know what its like to have all this shit held up inside you your whole life.
i hate counselors, my mom forced me to see one to deal with my bipolar sister, i get in there and she tells me how it’s all my fault that she acts this way. this is some fucking counselor who read up bipolar in a fucking textbook, fuck you, lend me your eyes for a day and maybe you will see what it’s fucking like to live at my house.
after reading a few stories on this site i realized that everyone has problems and that maybe i should hold on a little bit longer. i want to get a part time job right now and give all the money to my mother and just say fuck school. maybe get a little money before i’m out on my own.
something i thought was hilarious was that i never drank until this summer, i was the only one in the school besides my best friend. i love to party that’s just who i am. i’ve noticed that i feel amazing when i drink, and at this moment i thought i was going to become and alcoholic at 17, which is absolutely unesasary and stupid. so i laughed about that and i’m giving up drinking and becoming substance free for the next few months to see if that’s why i’m feeling so bad. my thinking was that it brought out these emotions that i could hold back before i drank.
writing this has made me feel a lot better and i’m going to try to get my life together and graduate this year. this was for my own satisfaction and maybe it can help someone else, not that it has to, but if it does then great. reading these stories is great but i suggest writing your own especially if you don’t like counselors or have someone to talk to. all i could think of last night was how the people i love and sit by would feel if i killed myself which made me feel worse the other day but now i see that as a reason to keep on going. sorry if this was all really unorganized and clutterd but i feel that it shows the emotion i had while writing this. i will check my email everyday if you guys message me and are looking for help. i fucking love how i’m feeling at this moment, first time i’ve been truly happy in years, not hiding behind my fake smile. this is so real. so glad i took the time to write this
peace
matt dana