Things are getting so hard lately. I’m only 17, and a senior in high school.
I could have it a lot worse right now. But I don’t. I could be abused and hit and unloved by people close to me but I’m not. I just feel so alone. I just have no one at all.
I feel like I will never find someone for me in the world. I lost my virginity when I was 14. I regret it so much.
Since then, I have had sex with 5 guys. All of them I had feelings for, and all of them who screwed me over and made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.
They called me ugly. Said they regret ever doing anything with me.
But with the most recent guy, I really did have feelings for.
I thought he had feelings for me too. But he stopped seeing me for someone else.
I take pills every day. It doesn’t matter what. Caffiene pills, laxitives, tylenol, diet pills, asprin, ibeprofen.
I get drunk all the time and I cut myself on the legs.
I will be 18 in twelve days.
I can’t believe I am not even an adult yet and I have sold myself out. I’m known as a slut at the place I work with. But no one knows the real me. No one cares about the real me.
So why am I still here?
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(((hannahc123))))
Your last sentence asked….so why am I still here?
You are here because there is a grain of somethin’ somethin’ within yourself which demands answers and will settle for nothing less….much to your credit.
I don’t know what your upbringing entails with regard to the male role models in your life (yourr father perhaps) maybe – maybe not – hard to tell….but all I can tell you is that someone – somehow – somewhere…along the way – sold you a bad lot of goods about yourself and is probably the reason why you have found yourself selling yourself so short.
(I understand this because I have ‘been there.’)
See, the thing is (I think) when we do not receive enough positive, SAFE reinforecement from the male figures early in our lives…sadly, what results is that we tend to figure that the only thing that we are good for….is sex.
Like I said, I do not know anything more than what you have shared – but the thing is…normally, some young women of your age (given the appropriate upbringing and respect from strong male figures and role models) simply do not typically sell themselves so short. Its just a non-issue.
I do not say this to try and place blame or shame or anything like that on your part. Quite the opposiite.
There has to be some sort of reasoning behind just why in the world you felt a need to search for validation from boys/young men in a sexual way and believe me…..It Is NOT your fault in the least…anyway it shakes out to be!!!!!!!!!
You said that no one knows the real me. No one cares about the real me.
I care.
Cutting yourself on the legs is probably a way for you to feel real – right?
If you bleed….if you SEE and witness your own blood – therefore IT PROVES…you are real – right?
NOT just an object….or a thing….but a real. live PERSON!
I know about that.
All is not lost. There are ways of overcoming this incredible hurdle you face right now….and WILL come out the the other side.
Thing is – you really need support and understanding. I don’t know where you live, but please do find some professional help on this to help you to navigate and present other options for feeling real other than through self-injury.
Please google” self injury” in your town.city/province fpr help and keep us updated on what happens to you.
I care and I am sure that others here do as well ~
Hey…
Ill be honest I don’t know why I’m writing this but i felt like reaching out. Im 15 and i guess my life its bad, sure i have issues but in general its a decent life. My problem is im lonely as hell. I don’t have anyone. Things took a sudden turn and it sucks being lonely…your not a slut for having sex with 5 guys. Don’t listen to em there’s much worse people that have sex with more for feelings that they don’t even have for him. Just know that its not your fault. You were decieved and tricked. Im open to talking if ya want..Happy Birthday. You’ll find the right person
You right with a lost and broken heart, you have no one but you are here to give hope you survived many things and there is more to over come but there is someone who loves you and can take your broken heart and put it back together… I should know I was abused when i was four by my sister again when i was six un-forgiveness destroyed my life but then Jesus came in
and took my heart put the pieces together again. He will forgive and will take
you pain. Brenda B is right there are people who care.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.†– Maria Robinson
‘Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.†– Ashleigh Brilliant
“Be the Change you wish to see in the world†– Mahatma Gandhi
“it’s never fun at the end of our lives to say we have lived the dreams of others” – Joe Jahn
“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.†– Tony Robbins
“Life is as meaningful as you make it.”
http://suicideproject.org/2010/09/change-4/
Hannah, you just picked the wrong guys for a relationship. You just made the wrong decisions. But even if you did have sex with over 5 guys, it doesn’t change anything besides your virginity. Your still you. And the girlfriends i had, i never screwed them over, i never said they were ugly. What guy would say that?! Don’t go cutting your legs. It doesn’t help. Trust me. I used to have cuts on my wrist, but over those cuts say live and love. (not tattoo’ed, i written it with marker). You just need to find the right guy. And you also said “why am i still here?” Heres your answer, your here, because theres someone in the world, who u will soon meet and love for the rest of your life. If you end your life now, the guy who is supposedly supposed to love you, will never meet u and have the time of his life. I know it doesn’t make sense, but i just want to let u know, there are people here for u.