I’m feeling a sudden fear of dying lately. And I don’t like it.
One thing is to feel all the excruciating pain and wish the death. Another thing is to feel the excruciating pain and still feel the awful fear of dying.
Today the word is fear.
I want to be loved. But then I think about the awful things that could happen to the person I love including death. Would be unbearable.
Well, everything in life at some point would be unbearable. I fear the unbearable.
I don’t want to feel it. I never wanted to feel it. But now I fear death. Maybe it’s not fear, maybe it’s just curiosity about life.
I am really logical and rational, but now don’t feel it. And it’s scary as hell.
I wish I had a gun. I wish I could get a gun. Just to put under my pillow, so I could rest.
I’m so scared right now about everything. Don’t know what to do. This is one of my worst vulnerable moments. Don’t know what to think. Don’t know what to do. Don’t know what I want. Don’t know what I want. Don’t know what I want.
Maybe just sleep.