Everyday is different for me, one day I’m okay, the next I can’t imagine living another day. I’ve thought about this for quite some time, years now actually and found that what I lack is hope. I crave some sort of love and intimacy in my life, at times I have it and sometimes, like recently, I get my heart stepped on.
I didn’t understand how worthless I must be to deserve it, or be subjected to this ‘situation’Â by her I guess. I didn’t see a way to recover from the pain, or even a another prospective girl to take her place. Without hope, my first conclusion is kill myself, I’m not all too concerned with the method or if I have to will-power to follow through with it, its simple butt a pistol in your mouth and pull the trigger. I think what I lack is substance to my life, something permanent, something stable and secure. When I feel I have those things I’m just your average joe living his life, going to eat with friends, occasional camping trips, concerts, spending time with his girlfriend when he’s not working, content to live everyday out to the fullest. When things fall out of place though, I’m completely lost.
I have killed myself before years ago, and survived, I made the decision it was my time and drank until my heart stopped, the paramedics revived me, I kind of had an “oh well” attitude towards being revived. I calmly told the doctor I did not try to kill myself and that I would like to go home to see my friends and family.Â This is my problem, I liken life and death to picking out food at the grocery store, I’m shopping for happiness basically, whatever logically will bring me happiness, I pursue like it was the reason I was put on this earth, but there is no logic in misery, when I cannot escape it, death is whats left on shelf for options. This may be why I am fine one day and glaring down a gun barrel the next. It is a problem no less, seeing as how today seemed like a lovely day to die, I may not be writing this if it wasn’t for what little reasoning power I could muster for existing, all I could come up with was hope by the way.
I don’t know what this little rant will achieve, but it feels good to let it out, be safe my friends