I am 21. I have been depressed for 14 years now. It started with my parents divorce and suddenly moving from my home, school and friends. My sister and brother left soon afterwards and my mother was always working. So I was left alone, without an explanation or anyone to talk to about it.Starting this time I lost all closeness with them. I don’t know the first thing about any of them to likes, dislikes, their birthdays or their age. I generally raised myself, taught myself my own values and my own lessons and determined on my own the difference between right and wrong. I didn’t open up to someone 5 years later. Now I don’t plan to share my life story, only the recent things, but I have been betrayed, abandoned, and lied to plenty of times. I fell in love when I was 17 and dated this girl for two years till the break up was mutual for me and my condition just couldn’t make her happy. I was kicked out forced to find a place to live and I starved most nights and lost 40 lbs. I also was under a lot of stress having two jobs and school. Now I had to move back in after several several months and my mother pleaded with my stepfather to take me back in. I have been able to regain most of my weight back. Now I always felt like something was missing from my life. Over the years I have constantly been trying to find that but I feel like I am simply sad just because its the only thing I know. I feel hopeless in that matter too because I no longer care to be happy. I don’t like to be alone because when I am I feel it worst, so every SINGLE night of the last 14 years I have broken down and went into tears. For no reason whatsoever other than that I am sad. I decided that I would live my life a sad one till I die. However suicide has always been an ever existent thought, and I have made 2 attempts in the past. One attempt was swallowing a few too many sleeping pills, bu i simply just woke up a day later instead of dying. Funny how no one noticed. Although i’m a pessimist I understand optimism, and I agree with it fully just my pessimist side is stronger. Although I always felt like suicide would just hurt the ones I love which that thought I cant stand. So I decided I would not kill myself for that reason. However, I witnessed my grandmother hanging from her closet as I was checking up on her. The sight was so real. It knocked something in my head that I don’t quite know what happened. Afterwards again I was left alone, spent the next week in my room and didn’t share with anyone. I later had my girlfriend dump me, now I have been with plenty of girls (an outlet, or what I have felt like that was missing from my life) so this was nothing shocking since I knew some day she would leave, but it hurt cause she did so when I needed someone most. I got into a car wreck and now am raising enough money to try and fix it, but I wont have the money in the next 4 months. I bought a 49cc scooter for a temporary ride however there are so many problems with that I wont even discuss. I have lost 3 friends because one just stopped talking to me all together, another didn’t want to be friends with me anymore because I wouldn’t give her money for her house which I said I would help her with before my car incident, and another for reasons that i’m still not quite sure of. My job has been frustrating and annoying, and to put it frank its just a horrible job that no one can enjoy. I cannot sleep and have been hallucinating. While I have always found myself week for being depressed this long and have never been able to fix myself and just accepting it as a part of who I am, I have been trying to stay strong. Seeing my grandmother in a hanging state though puts the thought of suicide in my head like no other. I want to take a whole bottle of sleeping pills but something keeps me cowering away. While I think its my faith in God that keeps me alive, I just don’t want to live anymore. I see no point in my life. I understand many things. I am young, I still have a lot of time left to be happy, but why bother? I have heard so many things about keep on living but just why? I honestly am not sure why I am writing this message, maybe because of how alone I really am I am looking for a plea of hope? Regardless, I plan to end it sometimes this year, and give life one more shot to give me a bleak of anything positive. I was planning on using sleeping pills since I have no access to a gun. Jumping off a bridge or a building I know I cant go through with it once I see the bottom. I thought about jumping in front of a car which seems most plausible, but the kind of guy I am I do not want to cause such trouble for the person in the car. What other options do I have?
3 comments
there is much to live for even if you dont see it now. in life there will always be some good times and others bad but you have to find a way to grow from those experiences and not sink with them. i personally havent known anyone who has committed suicide or has attempted too but i can just imagen of how that would hurt me, but the only thing i could do is move forward and not backwards. i hope and wish you dont reach the point where you want to end your life again and hope that you find something in life that gets you away from those feelings you have. take care.
i have been in your situation many times before thinking i shouldnt live anymore but the truth is i’ve been on the other side of suicide and it really hurts knowing someone can do that its coming upto 10 yrs this year.
10 years ago my brother committing suicide, the night before we had a BIG argument i said the worst thing u could say to any1 and i mean the worst thing, i was 12 years old and my brother was living with his grilfriend in flat he came by to ask my mum for some money she told him no and that started a big argument and then thats when i said the worst thing you could say i told him ”i wish he was dead and that i didnt care if he did die coz i wouldn’t even cry for him” THE WORST THING I COULD SAY, hours later the police knocked on the door …the words u don’t want to hear that my brother had just killed himself…i wish i could take wat i said back but i cant,he didn’t even leave a note, so for the past 10 years i have felt so guilty and felt like is was all my fault and i have been thinking about ending it but wats stopping me is that i dont have the guts to end it all and that i couldn’t leave my nephew behide because i love him so much and that i couldn’t do that to my family i feel despressed all the time cant talk to my family about how i feel so here i am talking u out of something u will regret people do care about u even if u dont think they do trust me they do care…
Somewhere deep inside you know (I know, we all know) that suicide is stupid and irrational. You would enter into a state of “not being here” instead of being here. But honestly, do you think there could be any satisfaction in non-existence? Probably you do not care, but pls take some time and give it a thought. Life is such a burden, but yet so easy. Death will come-with or without our desire. It is the only 100% certain thing in life. So be patient. Observe. Learn from the nature. Nature is always patient. The tree is not bothered by the time that passes. Silly as it is, the time doesn`t even exist. So why bother? Keep observing and learning from others. Every person around us could be our spiritual teacher. We are concious animals, but the conciousness we are given is definitely not to be used for ending our lives. It is against all the laws of the universe, no matter how logical or illogical it may seem. Give it a thought again. Try to observe the beauty given to you without you having to do anything for it. The pure existence by it self should be reason enough for staying alive. Nothing more or less.